Page 10 of Under Your Care

I stared, perplexed by the weight of Dr. Cohen’s touch. He gently squeezed my thigh, igniting a heat that shot to my groin. His thumb rubbed small circles on my skin, making it unbearable for me to look away. I was wearing a tennis skirt, which left the majority of my legs bare. Not a minute later, he removed his hand, but remained sitting on the couch with me. I continued to stare at the part of my thigh that his hand had been on for several seconds, amazed at the tingling sensation I was feeling.

“Have you had intercourse with anyone after the abuse?” He asked.

I shook my head, replying, “No. But it’s really not that I don’t want to, it’s just thatitnever works.”

“What sexuality do you identify with?”

“Homosexual,” I scoffed, not understanding what he was getting at.

Dr. Cohen nodded before asking, “Have you considered you may be asexual or demisexual?”

“I’ve thought about asexual, but I want to have sex. And I’m not sure what demisexual is.”

“Well, some people who identify as asexual are attracted to the idea of sex - the intimacy of it - but not the act itself. Others are aroused when consuming erotica, but are averse to partaking in sexual activity withanother person. Some simply aren’t interested in it in any way, but asexuality as a whole is certainly more complex than just that. It’s also not something that doesn’t allow you to be in a romantic relationship. On the other hand, someone who identifies as demisexual may only experience sexual attraction and arousal with a person they have a strong emotional bond with. From what we’ve spoken about, I think that could potentially be you - but - that’s not something I can determine for you as an outsider. Regardless of sexuality, I believe that your past experience - and only experience - with sex is greatly affecting your ability to engage in sexual activity with others. Lane, you went through a very traumatic situation, spanning two years, at such a young age. The body remembers trauma, even if the mind tries to suppress it. For a moment, think about the memories you have of sex. What were you feeling when the sexual abuse was actively occuring?”

I couldn’t help the tears escaping, my heart fracturing as I remembered. Tentatively, I spoke, “Confusion, fear, despair, pain, guilt, regret, self-loathing, discomfort.” He nodded emphatically, causing me to falter as my cries became heavier. “I remember him holding me down, fingers wrapped so tightly around my biceps that I was scared he was going to break my arms. I remember the bruises in the shape of fingerprints that I painstakingly hid from my parents. I remember him telling me that I liked what he was doing, because sometimes my body would react to his touch involuntarily. That if I ever came - despite the never-ending hatred towards myself when it happened - that it meant it was consensual because Ienjoyedit. I remember him groping me under the table at family events, abusing me right in front of our family members. And I was so fucking terrified that one of them would see and I’d get in trouble. My parents had already given me the whole sex talk and I knew they expected me to wait until I was much, much older, even married, before –” I choked on the words, my hands shaking as I continued.

“I thought they’d be furious and disappointed and possibly disown me.I was fucking ten. Eleven. Twelve. That wasn’t sex, and they would haveneverseen it as me being promiscuous, they would’ve seen it for what it was - rape. I remember how the first time that he raped me, my asshole tore and I hid the blood from my parents. I remember when I vomited from searing pain the second time because he didn’t wait until I had healed. I remember how I couldn’t - can’t - have alfredo sauce on pasta anymore because we ate it one night, after he had just forced me to swallow his cum, and he made a joke about the sauce looking like semen. I remember thinking I was going to literally drown on his cum because he would hold his hand over my mouth until I swallowed every drop. I remember him –” I wasn’t able to finish my sentence before becoming unable to speak, overwhelmed by the force of my sobs.

Dr. Cohen slid towards me on the couch, wrapping his arms around me, hushing and cooing at me. I leaned into his embrace, placing my head on his chest, hands clenching his shirt. My tears were absolutely soaking his clothing, but he didn’t say a word. He stroked my hair as he rocked us ever so slightly from side to side.

He didn’t let go as he whispered, “That’s why, baby. Your only experience with sex taught you that it wasn’t a pleasurable act - it was torture. Shhh, it’s okay.”

He continued holding and rocking me until I had no tears left. He spoke about random news articles he had read about, the newest baby animal at the city’s zoo, anything to calm my aching mind. Eventually, I glanced over at the clock.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s past our hour,” I mumbled.

He gave my head one last pet as he released me from his arms. Gently smiling at me, he said, “It’s alright, I didn’t have anyone scheduled after you. Besides, I feel like we’re making progress today. Are you able to stay a bit longer? I’d like to just ask some lowball questions - make sure you’re alright before I let you drive home.”

I rubbed my eyes, hiccuping, “Yeah, that’s okay. I didn’t have any plans tonight anyways.”

Still on the couch but no longer touching me, he took a deep breath before offering me another soft smile.

“Would it be alright to circle back to giving up on finding a partner?” He asked, throwing me off guard.

“Oh… Uh, sure. Yes, that’s fine. I don’t really remember what I was saying before. Me being an attention whore?” I joked.

He laughed, “I wouldn’t put it like that, but I do think you crave attention. However, it’s not unwarranted. You’re used to potential partners only giving you attention when they want sex. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be soaking up the attention your stalker is providing. I’m of course concerned for your safety in the situation, but I understand where your feelings are coming from. Your needs for a potential partner aren’t unusual, but since you haven’t experienced a healthy romantic relationship before, you’re going to feel attached to anyone showing you attention, even if it’s toxic. I’d like to try an exercise with you - how would you describe your ideal partner?”

“And this will help me how?” I pondered aloud.

“Ah yes, you must excuse me - I’d like you to list off attributes you want or need in a potential partner. We’ll also make a list of your needs in a relationship. I simply believe that you need to be shown that your wants and needs are not so ridiculous that they’d inhibit someone from entering into a relationship with you.” He offered me a smile.

“Oh, sure. Um… Are we talking physically?”

“Let’s do physical traits and personality attributes for the first list, and things you would like or need your partner to do or provide in a relationship for the second list. It might seem silly, but I promise that it’ll be helpful for you.” He tapped his pen expectantly against his notebook.

I huffed out a small laugh, “Well, alright. A man– obviously,” Pausingfor a moment, I asked, “You have to promise not to laugh or anything, okay?”

He chuckled, “I promise, Lane. Just say whatever comes to mind, don’t think about it too hard.”

“Okay… I guess someone intelligent… assertive… established? Like he’d have a job and a place to live. I’m not picky about physical appearance but I’d like someone bigger than me, that I feel safe with. Dominant? Someone who could make most of the decisions for me, that I could trust to take care of me like that, and umm… Uhh… Okay, I can focus! I don’t want to seem like a gold digger, but I’d really like a partner who could spoil me a little bit. Not like anything too crazy, you know? Oh! He’d also have to be nice to my cat, Chloe! Maybe someone a bit older than me…?”

He grinned, teasingly he said, “So, a Daddy?”

If I had been drinking anything, I would have done a spit take. My entire body seemed to flush. I stammered, “I mean– If you wanna call it that…”

His head tilted, clocking my full-body blush with a grin. A predatory look glinted in his eyes for a moment, but he quickly laughed it off.

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