Page 93 of It Should Have Been Me

I don’t know what comes over me, but I grab the frame and fling it across the room, the glass shattering into a million pieces. Rocky yelps and runs out of the room.

“Fuck!” I go out after him. “Sorry, Rock.” I find him in the kitchen and lift him up. “I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to do.” He lets me know he forgives me by nuzzling his nose against my cheek. “Sorry. I’m just going through a thing. It’s going to be a rough few days around here. There’s gonna be some moping. Maybe even some drinking, depending on how bad it gets. But I’ll tell you what we’re not going to do. We’re not watching Sharknado, that’s for sure.”

23. Catalina

It feels like there’sa boulder pressing down on my chest as I make my way down the narrow aisle to my seat at the back of the plane. I’m just about to pack my hand luggage into the overhead compartment when I see JP sitting in the seat next to the window. I was so preoccupied that I completely forgot that we were on the same flight back to Paris.

“Uh...” We stare at each other awkwardly. “Let me ask the flight attendant if I can swap seats with someone.”

“It’s okay,” he says softly. “You can sit here.”

He turns to look out the window as I sit down and strap on my seatbelt. I want to talk to him, but I’m not sure what to say. He’s facing away from me, which shows he has no desire to talk to me, so I don’t initiate a conversation. The flight attendants take us through the safety protocol as the plane makes its way down the runway.

There’s a little patch of turbulence that we hit just after takeoff and out of habit, my left hand grips the handrest separating our seats. JP and I have traveled together often, so he knows that this is the part of the flight I hate the most. Even though it only lasts a few seconds, it scares the hell out of me because I’m always expecting someFinal Destinationshit to happen. JP usually takes my hand and holds it tight until the plane stabilizes. I’m not sure why, but he does it now, too. A gentle hand covers mine, the bruises and swelling on his knuckles reminding me how reckless my actions were. He silently waits for the slight rocking to stop.

I expect him to remove his hand right after, but he doesn’t. Instead, he lifts my hand, staring at the ring on my finger like he’s looking at it for the first time. I watch how pain etches itself onto his forehead as the realization hits him.

He looks at me for a moment, then his attention goes back to the ring. “You know...I was, um, I was going to buy you a ring once we got to London. New contract. New city. New chapter of our lives. And I thought to myself...I have to make sure it’s white gold or platinum, so it doesn’t clash with this one...because you never take it off.” He shakes his head, shutting his eyes. “You could’ve just told me, Catalina. Now it feels like our entire relationship was a lie...because his ring on your finger proves that your heart was never really in it.”

I don’t make any effort to stop my tears. They roll down my cheeks in a steady stream. “JP...I’m sorry for everything I did that hurt you, and you might not believe me, but our relationship wasn’t a lie. I wanted a future with you. I wanted to build a life with you, and I didn’t feel like anything was lacking...ever. You made me so happy. My life with you was perfect, and I want you to know that I didn’t come here with any intention of reconciling with Scott because I truly believed I was over him. But...I wasn’t. The feelings I still have for him...made me act?” I don’t even know how to explain it, so my sentence stops short. “And now I’ve messed up everything we had. It wasn’t because I don’t love you...I do. I just?” I stop short once again because nothing I say is ever going to be good enough. Nothing is going to make this situation better. “I’m so sorry, JP. I never meant to hurt you.”

“There’s no need to apologize anymore. I understand. The heart wants what it wants. And I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew someone had hurt you. You kept telling me you weren’t ready, and I should’ve listened because I knew you weren’t over him, even though I didn’t know whohewas. But I thought...I thought if you just gave us a chance, I could make you forget about him. I could make you love again.”

“JP, I didn’t?”

He’s not interested in anything I have to say because he cuts me off. “I knew you weren’t ready, but I still pursued you. I disregarded obvious facts, I overlooked all the red flags, and I followed my heart instead...because the heart wants what it wants. And it wanted you so badly.” For a brief moment, he meets my eyes, but it’s like he can’t stand the sight of me because he looks away the next second. “You know, out of all the organs, the heart is the most senseless. All the others work with some sort of logic. If you drink too much alcohol, your stomach will reject it by throwing up. If you breathe in smoke, your lungs will try to get rid of it by coughing. But the heart is a stupid organ. It pines, and it yearns. It doesn’t matter if the brain is trying to convince it that things are over, or that you shouldn’t pursue something anymore. You can’t reason with it because it’s stupid. You can try to deny it, keep it from what it yearns for, but the blasted thing will ruthlessly follow its desires, destroying any obstacle in its path that tries to stop it. And without warning, the perfect life you were building implodes. I listened to my heart, and the traitor led me downthiswretched path.” He sets my hand back down on the handrest. “So, I can only wish you the best of luck, Catalina, because even after all this time, you are still insisting on whatyouwant. You are trying to use logic arguing with this fool, but it won’t listen to you. It’sstupid! Your brain and your heart didn’t make the same decision today, so I suggest you brace yourself for the next implosion. Who knows what the damn thing will destroy next?”

He leaves me with that, turns back toward the window, and doesn’t speak to me for the rest of the flight.

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