Page 91 of It Should Have Been Me

I watch them walk away before I sit back down again, alone with my thoughts once more. My chest feels so heavy I can barely breathe. I check my phone, waiting for the last possible minute to go through to the departures section.

“Hi, beautiful.”

The familiar voice makes my head snap up. “Scott. Hi!” The cut on his eyebrow and the purplish bruise under his eye is what I notice first. I stand up, closing the gap between us to trace my finger over the cut. “Oh, my God. What happened to you?”

He chuckles. “JP and I...sort of got into it earlier.”

“Shit! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Is...is he okay? Ifyoulook like this, what does he look like?”

“He’s fine. His hand is swollen, but he’ll survive.”

My anxiety settles a little. “And what happened after that?”

“Well, JP, Tom, and I bonded over a bottle of rum, and we talked until he decided he wanted to come to the airport...I went home, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you, so I decided to come...and say goodbye.”

“You got here just in time. I was just about to go through the gates.”

We stare awkwardly at each other, not really knowing what to say, and the empty space seems to fill with all the things we’re saying goodbye to. The kisses. The cuddles. The laughter. The silly conversations. The future that was never meant to be ours.

“This is feeling a little weird,” he says, shifting closer to me. “Let’s just hug instead.”

He doesn’t wait for a response. He simply wraps his arms around me one last time, giving me a final reminder of the warmth of his body, the smell of his cologne, the strength of his arms. The tension I’ve been feeling since yesterday leaves my shoulders and I just melt into him. I don’t know how long he holds me. It feels like an eternity and an instant at the same time, but eventually, he steps back.

“You know, Cat...” He pauses for a moment, debating with himself if he wants to say what’s on his mind, and he still seems uncertain when he continues. “You know, we were meant to be more than just memories.”

My eyebrows crease. “What do you mean?”

“When you leave, all we’ll have are memories, and we were meant to be more than that. We have a love that most people spend their whole lives chasing. This is a love meant for growing old together, a love that can stand the test of time. We’ve already proven that. It’s five years later and look at us.” He sucks in a breath and forces a smile. “And I get it. Sometimes love isn’t enough. You need more, and I won’t stand in the way of that, but I want you to be fully aware that giving this up is your choice, not mine. In a few seconds, you’re gonna turn and take one step away from me. In the grander scheme of things, one step seems insignificant, like choosing clay at a toy store or saying hi to the new kid at school. But that one step will lead to another...and then another. Our paths will diverge, and we’ll get further and further apart. Time will continue to move forward at a steady rate of one second per second and eventually, you’ll find yourself one day in the future feeling the true butterfly effect of this choice.” He grips the back of my head, shutting his eyes as he presses his lips against my forehead. “I love you, baby. And I wish you everything of the best. I know great things are ahead for you, even if this is where it ends for us. Maybe...maybe the place where we are more than just memories only exists in an alternate form of reality.”

He takes another step back, and I have to summon strength from the deepest part of my soul to not cry. I want to tell him I love him. I want to tell him I’m sorry. I want to pour out my whole heart to him, but I can’t because it only makes this harder. I sum up all my conflict, my heartache, my dreams, myeverythinginto just two words. “Goodbye, Scott.”

He says nothing and just waits. He doesn’t attempt to move because he wants me to acknowledge that I’m the one walking away. And I do. I turn and take that first step. One foot in front of the other. One second per second. One choice in a series of choices...until I eventually get on the plane.

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