Page 56 of It Should Have Been Me

We find Dylan hunched over, holding onto Neymar’s tiny fingers as the little guy takes wobbly steps across the room. There are building blocks haphazardly tossed into one corner and an array of vehicles strewn over her couch. Isa doesn’t seem to mind the mess at all because her face lights up as soon as she sees them. I understand now why she was raving about this kid. He is adorable. Thick, black curls and the chubbiest little cheeks – he’s just a tiny ball of cuteness.

“Hey, Ney-ney,” Isa says.

“Say hi to Bella,” Dylan coaxes before scooping him up. He walks over to Isa and kisses her. “Hi, Cat.”

“Hi, Dylan. You look tired.”

“It’s been a day,” Dylan says with the exhaustion of a man who has not had a break in hours, though the smile on his face shows that he’s satisfied with how he spent his time. “He was so busy today, and Dana had to leave and go back to the shelter, so it was just us for most of the afternoon. He does not want to sit still for a second, but we somehow managed to coordinate our efforts to cook dinner, isn’t that right, Ney?”

Isa takes Neymar from Dylan and hooks him on her hip. “You made dinner? Your mom would be so proud. You’re probably gonna be a better chef than Dylan when you’re older.”

Isa and I play with Neymar while Dylan finishes off dinner. I generally tend to avoid kids, but this little rascal is impossible to resist. Dylan wasn’t lying when he said Neymar is a busy body. He is all over the place, but Isa handles him with ease. She seems to be natural. Dylan, however, is pure dad material.

During dinner, he keeps Neymar on his lap and doesn’t seem to mind little fingers in his plate, smashing his pasta. Neymar lifts a handful and basically shoves it into Dylan’s mouth. I had my reservations about my sister rushing into this marriage, but the more I watch them together, the more I realize that she absolutely made the right choice in him as a life partner. He is caring and doting, and his love for Isabella is very obvious.

“Mmm...” Dylan says, trying to catch the stray pieces before they fall off his chin. “I think you just helped me find the missing ingredient that would make this the perfect dish. That handful of spit? Wow, that made this so...soggy. Top notch stuff, Ney.”

Isa gives him a teasing wink. “He’s so good at sharing.”

I’ve never given much thought to settling down and starting a family. Having kids was something I had bookmarked for the very distant future, but seeing the way the three of them interact is conjuring thoughts and feelings I have genuinely never felt before. For the first time, I’m considering what it might be like to be a mom...and I quickly shut that down.

After dinner, Dylan gets Neymar cleaned up while Isa and I do the dishes. They both end up falling asleep on the couch with Neymar sprawled across his chest.

Isa snaps a picture of that perfect moment, then looks over at me with a wide smile. “And this is why we love babysitting this little guy. He makes my heart melt.”

“Dylan will make an amazing dad. Are you guys planning on having kids soon after the wedding? You both seem ready.”

Her smile droops a bit, sadness taking over her expression. “We’re not...we’re not planning anything. We’re just going to take it one day at a time and if things are supposed to happen, they’ll happen. If Dylan decides he’s ready to adopt in the future, then we’ll do that, but I’ll be happy whether we have kids or not.”

The fact that adoption was the only option given lets me know that there’s a deeply personal issue they are dealing with. I know my sister would be more forthcoming with details if this was an issue related to her, but because it relates to Dylan, I respect his privacy and don’t probe with further questions.

I sneak away to call JP again while Isa makes us hot chocolate. It goes straight to voice mail, so I leave another message for him to call me as soon as he can before I go back to the living room and curl up on the other couch with my sister.

“I still can’t believe that you’re getting married,” I whisper so that we don’t disturb the boys. “You were such an adventurous spirit. I never thought you’d settle down.”

“What are you talking about? I’m still adventurous. I have adventures every day.”

I raise a skeptical brow. I’ve been home for a week and I’ve only seen her do normal, run-of-the-mill things. “What adventures?”

“Just yesterday, Dylan and I went to the grocery store. I hopped into the shopping cart, put on a blindfold, and he took me around the store. I would make him randomly stop, select whatever item I pointed to in the aisle, and then we came home and he had to make dinner with all the ingredients I chose. Let’s just say that hake, chicken, and chickpeas can go together in one dish. That’s what an amazing chef Dylan is, and then we had Fruit Loops mixed in yogurt for dessert.”

“That’s...not an adventure.”

She scoffs at me with a playful smile. “Of course, it is. See, you love the big adventures. Bungee jumping off Victoria Falls and hiking up Kilimanjaro, but I much prefer the little adventures. It’s intimate and personal and things onlywehave shared.”

I get what she’s trying to say, but when the world is so big and open for exploration, the little adventures seem like I’d be settling for second best. I don’t disagree with my sister’s choices. I know that she can make even the most mundane tasks fun, but I want more than that.

I shrug. “I guess I just want more...excitement. I love chasing the next high.”

“Well, my job, my relationship with Dylan, Tommy, and dad – all of that fulfills me, so I don’t need to chase anything. You have an amazing life, Cat, but sometimes you seem like...you’re still yearning for something. You ever wonder if the reason why you keep chasing more is because...maybe what you have isn’t enough?”

The question stuns me because the thought has honestly never crossed my mind. I’m happy. I’m fulfilled...aren’t I? I do these things because I enjoy doing them, not because I feel like something is...missing.

“I’m very satisfied with my life. I have a flourishing career and an amazing boyfriend. I’m not yearning for anything.”

The retort comes out a little snappy, and even I have to admit that I sound a bit defensive because that amazing boyfriend I have – I cheated on him. And even though it sickens me to my very core to acknowledge this, I cheated on him with the one man I’ve been yearning for for years.

Isa takes note of my tone and reaches out to take my hand. “Sorry, I wasn’t insinuating that you weren’t happy in your relationship. I just meant maybe you should start exploring other avenues in your career. Like...I love my job, but I wanted to start helping more charities and organizations in the community, which is why my boss moved us over to AmpUp Radio. So, I’ll still be doing what I love, but in a slightly different way. That’s all I was suggesting, maybe a different client base or slightly different projects.”

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