Page 29 of It Should Have Been Me

“I don’t care.” He lifts my left hand in his right and starts to sway. Lowering his head, he nuzzles his face against the side of mine.

“Why are we dancing?” I whisper in his ear, and I’m not sure if he hears me over the roaring of the waves behind us.

“I proposed to you on this beach,” he responds after some time. “Eight years ago, on a day just like today, I asked you to be my wife...and you said yes. I don’t know how things got so messed up, but somewhere along the line, I stopped being enough for you.”

“Scott, that isn’t what happened,” I argue. “You were always more than enough for me. I didn’t—”

“I don’t wanna hear. It doesn’t matter now, anyway.” He pauses for a long while. “You were supposed to be my dance partner for life and...and before you leave again, I just want one moment where I can go back in time to that day when I danced with you just like this.” He grips me tighter, and I feel his fingers toying with the engagement ring. “Just one moment where I pretend that this ring is on the right finger. Can you give me that?”

I nod and slip both my arms around his neck, hugging him tight. We stay there for a long time, silently swaying as the sun sinks lower in the sky. I feel the steady thump of his heart, and I feel his pain in every beat because it’s my pain, too. I start to wonder how we got to this point when neither of us wanted to end it.

“I hate this,” he says softly. “You used to be my comfort at the end of a long day and...and now I don’t even know how to be around you. I hate that.”

“Me too.” I shift back slightly so I can look up at him. “It’s unfortunate that we ended up going down different paths, but this is where we are now. We can’t change what has happened, but...but I still care about you, Scott. That’s something that’s never going to change, and I hate feeling so awkward around you, too. I don’t want us to feel like this for the next two weeks. I want to catch up and find out what’s been happening in your life. I wanna move past...the past because, like I said yesterday, you’re part of my family now, so we have to get used to...being around each other.”

He nods, mildly amused. “And how do you propose we do that? You want me toMen-In-Blackyou out of my life too and pretend we never dated?”

“I’m going to point this out again.Men-In-Blackis not a verb. And what I’m proposing is that...we go back to how we were before...before we started dating.”

“Oh, the friendzone?” He grits his teeth. “Wow! I can’t think of anything better than being shoved back into the fucking friendzone.”

I ignore his abrasive tone and continue. “Remember when we used to watch documentaries about serial killers? That used to be fun, right?”

“Drinking bleach seems like more fun at this juncture.”

“Or...we could make some popcorn and watch a horror movie?”

“I’m not sure about you, but I think the sexual tension rising between us is going to make thatprettyawkward.”

His arms tighten around me, pulling me closer to his chest. I know exactly what he’s talking about. His heated skin. The hard muscles. It’s enough to make me draw in a silent breath, but I ignore it like every other glance and touch that has happened between us over the last few days.

“I would call that more of a...I-hate-you-for-breaking-my-heart-tension and not really...asexualtension.”

“Nah, it’s sexual. I’ve thought about you naked at least fifteen times today, and you may hide it better than me, but I can guarantee that you’ve had the same thoughts about me. I know what it feels like when you hate me and what it feels like when you want me. I consider myself an expert on invoking both those feelings in you.”

“Mmm...” I nod. “I can understand how someone as arrogant as you could be, so blinded by the smoke you’re blowing up your own ass that you might misinterpret the signs to be the same thing. I assure you; they are not. You should maybe do a research paper where you statistically evaluate the differences between them because you’re clearly confusing the two.”

He laughs, that full, heartfelt laugh that I love so much, and it gets a laugh out of me, too. The weirdness between us seems to dissipate, and for the first time in three days, the world doesn’t seem out of tilt. The past is still there, but it doesn’t seem so overpowering. It finally feels like we’re...at ease with each other.

“So, horror movie?” I ask as our laughter dies down.

He nods. “Sure.”

We take a slow stroll back to our original spot. After yanking his surfboard out of the sand, we walk to his apartment building. Scott gives me one of his hoodies and a pair of boxers when we enter his apartment. I shower and wash my hair because I have sand in some awkward places, then I get dressed in his clothes. I have to use a safety pin to keep his boxers from falling off my hips. I check my phone and JP still hasn’t called me back. All I got was a voice note to say he’ll call me tomorrow to explain what happened with his mom.

Still towel-drying my hair, I meet him in the kitchen where he’s already taken out chicken and vegetables and laid them out on the counter. “So, I was thinking for dinner, you could make that chicken stir-fry. I love the way you make it.”

I smile. “With rice?”

“Yep. And then afterward, we can remind ourselves of what a good thriller is, and watchSaw.”

“Good choice. Go shower. I’ll get dinner started and then—Wait. Which Saw are we talking about?”

He’s hesitant to reply. “The first one...and then...Saw 3D.”

“No! You’re so petty! Are you really trying to prove a point from, like, seven years ago?”

“There are obvious loopholes that you are just refusing to see.”

---