Page 62 of Silent Betrayal

My head throbs as I start to wake up. I become aware of voices around me, making me wonder if they’re in my room. I feel arms wrapped around me and hear the distant sound of traffic. Suddenly, I’m bombarded with memories from the diner. I met Paul, my dad, and then…Dammit.I had another panic attack, didn’t I?

I feel so stupid. I didn’t even have a good reason for it. Nobody had said anything to scare me or upset me. It was just my own brain struggling to comprehend why all these people seemed to care for me, and having a panic attack just makes me feel even more worthless.

The voices around me start to get louder until the deep voice of Atlas starts to penetrate the fog.

“... have to send her…”

“... her head is messed up…”

“... we can’t fix her.”

I gasp and clutch at my chest. It hurts worse than being stabbed with a knife. My insides feel like I’ve just swallowed acid.What did he just say?The words play over and over in my mind, cutting through the quiet around me. Is that what he really thinks about me? That I’m messed up? I mean, I know I am, but to hear him say it like that… It sounds like he’s giving up on me.

Tears start to fall from my eyes before I’ve even opened them.

“Princess?” I hear Ben’s voice very close to me and notice him stroking my face. He’s wiping away my tears, and I can’t hold it in anymore. A sob bursts free as I cover my face with my hands and roll into his chest to hide my pain and embarrassment from everyone.

“Oh, Princess, it’s okay. We’re all here. We’ve got you.” He rubs my back in an attempt to soothe me, but it just makes me cry harder. Not only am I upset and heartbroken that they don’t want me anymore and want to send me away, but by crying, I’m reinforcing what Atlas just said—that I’m messed up. My sobs turn to hiccups as I struggle to take in any air.

“Jesus, Princess, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath for me. Come on now,” Ben begs. But I can’t steady my breathing and start to gasp, as I try to fill my lungs.

Someone moves me around so I’m sitting beside Ben, and I find myself staring into Gideon’s beautiful, intense hazel eyes. He holds my face in his hands as he tells me to breathe. “Everything will be okay, I promise, Love.”

I place my hand on my chest, shaking my head in fear.

“Look at me, Mina. Breathe in with me, like this,” he says, placing my hand on his chest and taking exaggerated breaths in and out. Black spots dance in my vision, and I shake my head again. I can’t stop the thoughts from filtering in.

I’m messed up.

I’m not worth all this.

I need to be fixed.

They’re going to send me away.

They said they loved me, but it was all a lie.

They’ve been using me and I’m too much work.

They don’t love me enough to want to keep me.

They don’t feel the connection the same way I do.

They’re going to send me away.

I’ll die without them. I’d have no reason to live without them in my life. The thought of living without them causes me to gasp for breath as tears stream down my face in fear. My own words start to blend with my mothers in my head.

Worthless.

Useless.

Burden.

Trash.

Whore.

Unworthy.

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