Page 63 of A Rising Hope

“How long?” This time, his voice was scornful.

“Do you truly want to know?” I paused, looking at him.

“Yes.”

“I am not sure anymore. Once in a while I’ll black out for a few minutes, then I come back. Whether it’s sleep or some other curse, I don’t know.”

“Gods, I didn’t realize it’s gotten that bad.” Xentar rubbed his brow. “What was the vision?” he asked, his words ripping the dull numbing comfort I worked so tirelessly to create. I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to reply. “Finn,” he repeated, “What was the vision?”

I masterfully ignored his attempts. There were so many more creatures. I jammed my blade deep into their eyeless sockets. I could do this. I could stab and strike them again and again. Perhaps that’s what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Not everything else that awaited me in the morning.

“Finn!” Xentar called out, green beautiful vines wrapping around the blade.

“You don’t want to know,” I gave him a grim response.

“Oh, on the contrary. In fact, as your trusted mentor, I deserve to know why my diligent student is on the brink of insanity—” I ripped the vines off Heart Piercer and pushed the blade through the leathery skin of the creature. “Or perhaps beyond it. What is it that you saw?”

“Death. I saw the Goddess of Death.” I exhaled. A part of me was relieved to share the burden, a part of me was devastated that there was one more person now needing to carry its weight.

“Shit.”

“Yep,” I mumbled, not wanting to turn around, to look at him, lest I see the matching devastation at the truth.

“Did Gideon ever tell you how his mother died?” Xentar quietly asked. I shook my head as dread choked me at the mention of him. “He spent years looking for her. After she had given birth to Gideon, Diamara hid her away. For protection or perhaps from jealousy, whatever her reasoning, that woman knew what she was doing because the Seer, his birth mother, disappeared off the face of the earth. Gideon dedicated years searching for any traces of her. Until one day he had found her, but by then her mind was already corrupted. You see, she was a Seer, an untrained one, but also a powerful one. She had many visions, uncontrolled. At first they were minor, then as time went on they became stronger, then they became all-consuming. Her mind lost the threads connecting her reality. She still could’ve lived for a long time without a sense of herself. Gideon would’ve taken care of her for years, providing all she needed for the little moments of clarity in between. But she had a particularly bad vision one day. One she never recovered from.” He paused, and I felt his gaze on the back of my head. “Do you know why?”

I had my guesses. I knew the story had no happy ending.

“No,” I managed to reply.

“Because she refused to sleep after it. The medicines helped at first, the little naps in between, but soon those were not enough. Days went on, then weeks, and soon after . . . ” He swallowed hard. “Gideon was there when she died. You are a Destroyer by nature, so perhaps you have a bit longer than her. But you have to sleep, Finn. Youhaveto.”

“What am I supposed to do, Xentar?” I questioned, willing my voice to still. “Every time I close my eyes, the visions start, but they all have one thing in common. Death. People die. I die.Hedies in a fucking torturous death. And the visions never stop. I tried so hard to block them, to fight them off. Tried to see beyond the terror and the horror to find peace, but there is none that I see . . . ” I gave him a half glance over my shoulder. Xentar’s kind gaze met the franticness of mine. Deep, heavy sorrow intertwined his every breathtaking feature.

It was easier to stay awake. To never sleep.

Insanity, exhaustion, were nothing compared to the pure torture and agony I endured when I attempted to fall asleep.

“Gideon had once asked me the same question. He too was exhausted and particularly devastated one night after fruitlessly searching for you across the entire continent after you escaped. A part of him was so relieved to know that you existed, that he had met you, even under such terrible circumstances that they were, because it gave him so much hope. No longer alone. A future. And yet a part of him missed the freedom of the ignorance he had before he had known that a female Justice Wielder existed. Because, you see, not finding you consumed him, destroyed him bit by bit until he would wither away. He didn’t sleep, he didn’t eat. The questionable choices he had made were jarring even for him. The hope he had of ever finding you dwindled in him like the last flicker on a candle—one move andit’d go out forever. So, you ask me what you are supposed to do, and I’ll tell you what I told him then. I told him, take that devastation, take that agony and fear, shove it up someone’s ass and go take a damn nap.” Xentar’s lips stretched in a perfect smile. “Hope requires courage, Finn. And being courageous is fucking exhausting. So, take a break. Force yourself to take a break. And if you can’t do it for you, do it for me. Do it for every single person out there that still stands despite the challenges ahead. And do it for those who have fallen along the way.”

“And after? What do I do after?”

Xentar’s golden eyes darkened as he scanned the scattered carcasses around the ruined homes and tainted fields.

“And after. After, you find the Queen and make her fucking pay.”

44

GIDEON

“Imust say I grow weary of your company,” I uttered into the void. Hands loosely clasped behind my back as I stood surrounded by darkness, lost deep in my thoughts.

Death stood only a few steps behind me.

“You should’ve let her die. Her death would’ve been swift, and I would’ve welcomed her,” she calmly stated, and I let out a cold chuckle, the sound echoing like a ripple in the calm waters.

“On that, I truly must disagree. Besides, you are not the most welcoming host.”

“Sooner or later, she must take her place. There is no way out of it. She must meet her fate,” Death warned.

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