Page 2 of Missed Exit

He could be crazy. He could be dangerous!

I floor it, but my car struggles with the command. The acceleration has been shit since about an hour this side of Austin, but she’s basically running fine once she’s up to speed. Just takes her a little while to get up and go, that’s all.

Why isn’t she getting up and going right now? Is she slowing down? She’s dying? No, no, no, no, no . . . not when I’ve got a raging psychopath on my ass!

Finally, my engine gets the message and the RPMs start to climb. Yes!

Not today, you revenge-seeking redneck!

I honk my horn as I blow past him. He immediately moves over into the right lane behind me. Is he going to follow me now? Uh-oh. Maybe I honked too soon.

Nope. I’m safe. He just moved over to exit again. Can’t make up his mind where he’s going, apparently. Or maybe he didn’t want to chance it. For all he knows, I could be the crazy one. I could be dangerous!

“Chicken!” I yell as I watch him in my passenger side mirror, cruising away from the interstate. “What’s the matter? Afraid of little ole me in my little red car? Not so big and bad after all, are you?” I laugh as he fades out of sight.

Ahhh, good times. Even during the darkest of days, there’s always something to laugh about.

That’s exactly the kind of bullshit I used to say to my middle schoolers, but sometimes, there’s a little truth buried in the bullshit.

And if I can laugh on my way to a rented duplex in the ass crack of west Texas with a broken engagement, no job to go back to when school starts, and my dignity in the gutter . . . well, sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Even when you realize every important choice you’ve ever made has been total bullshit.

But I’m done with that life. It’s firmly in my rearview mirror, and I’m forging ahead.

Fuuuuuuck!

The exit for Agate Ridge is literally in my rearview right now.

There is nothing ahead but wide-open road. For miles and miles . . .

I’m supposed to meet the moving truck in an hour, and that asshole took my exit!

It’s fine. Everything’s fine. There is no need to catastrophize the situation. I’ll just take the next exit and circle back around.

This is simply a minor delay, not a major complication. I’ve got this.

New, uncomplicated life, here I come!

2

Law

Howdy, Neighbor

WhenIstartedthisbeer, I decided if my new neighbor ended up being a no-show, I’d take the TV, and then I’d call the landlord to let him know his new tenant left all their shit on the driveway but they don’t appear to be moving in.

As I sit here, rocking in my porch swing and finishing off my second beer, I’ve already faced the fact that I’m not going to take a damn thing those pissed off movers left behind.

I do need a new TV, and that’s a nice one sitting on the other half of the driveway next to my truck, but I’m no thief. I might be a lot of things, but I am not a thief.

Plenty of people steal in all sorts of ways and do just fine. Some become millionaires. Billionaires, even. But I’m not made that way. Never have been.

And what’s it gotten me? A rented duplex and a TV with a blurry stripe running through the middle of the screen. Most movies are still watchable. Makes a ballgame hard to follow, though.

Where the hell is this person who failed to meet their movers?

I hope they’re okay.

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