Page 38 of Sugar Coated

Later that night, as I lay in bed, I messaged Kelly. The day I’d gotten my new phone, I’d sent her a message and told her I had to replace it because I lost it at the party, and then she’d immediately called. I’d learned she’d been trying to call me since I disappeared from the party, and that she’d started to get worried.

Tonight, though, there was something else I wanted to talk to Kelly about.

Kieran.

She ended up calling me once she was able to, and her face popped up on the screen. Just as I was laying in bed, she was, too. I made sure to turn the volume down so nobody walking by in the hall would overhear.

“I knew there was something between you and that sexy uncle of yours,” Kelly spoke with a sly grin. “The more you denied it, the more I knew there had to be something going on. When he got shot, you were so freaked.”

I actually resented the implication that she’d known the whole time. “I was so freaked because that bullet was meant for me—”

“Uh-huh, that too, but girl, it was all you could talk about for so long. How much time did you spend in the hospital with him?” My silence must’ve told her enough, because she said, “Lots. Honestly? I was kind of shocked when you wanted to go out and hook up with a random guy. I tried to hook you up all during high school.” On the phone, I could see her shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I just assumed you were saving yourself for him or something.”

At that, I could not roll my eyes hard enough. It wasn’t like I thought my virginity was some special, mystical thing. I just… while trying to be the perfect daughter for my dad, chasing after boys never really felt right, and who can forget that one time I tried to sneak out before my first kidnapping, Kieran found me, threw me over his shoulder, and dragged me back home.

Kelly gave me a look. “Oh, come on. Just admit it. You’ve had a crush on the dude ever since you first saw him, before he even became your step-uncle.”

“I mean, I always thought he was kind of cute, but that doesn’t mean I had a crush on him—” Even as I said it, it didn’t sound right. No, it sounded like I was trying to convince myself that a lie was the truth.

“You need to face facts. You’re down bad for that sexy uncle of yours.”

“I’m not down bad,” I scoffed. “I’m just… confused. Sometimes it feels like he’s ready to confess his undying love for me, and other times… I don’t know. It’s like he’s a whole different person. I’m seeing a new side to him I never saw before.” AKA a side that didn’t constantly make jokes and therefore make me want to strangle him.

Kelly sighed. “He almost died. Newsflash: anytime some serious shit happens, people change. You’re not the same girl you used to be, either, as much as you try to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Her eyes flicked away from the phone’s camera. Her face was illuminated by the brightness of her phone, but that’s it. All around her were shadows, her dark bed her backdrop. “It means… I don’t know. You’re just different. The hair, the contacts, wanting to hook up with a random guy; all that’s stuff I would do, but you? You were always the goody two shoes. Sometimes you tried to act out, but your heart was never really in it.”

I didn’t know why I didn’t want to agree that I was different. Wasn’t that what I first set out to be when I got out? Didn’t Iwantto be different?

“What if…” I paused, an uneasy feeling settling in my gut.

“What if what?”

“What if I’m not different? What if, deep down, I’ve always been this way and I just pretended I wasn’t?” Wanting to watch Lola torture someone. Watching Fang rip into someone’s throat and kill him without so much as blinking. My Devil didn’t make me like this.

Kelly frowned. “Then maybe you’re a secret psychopath, because I would’ve sworn you were never pretending before. If all of that was pretend, then what’s real? Who’s the real Laina Hawkins?”

Who’s the real Laina Hawkins?

That question rang in my head over and over, long after Kelly and I said our goodbyes. Usually talking to her made me feel better, but not this time. This time, my old friend was too insightful.

I came out of my first kidnapping with the intent of being a new person, wanting to take my dad and his political career down. I’d been full of rage after watching his rise while chained to that bed. I thought the darkness inside of me was budding, something new growing and taking root in the deepest parts of my soul, but what if it wasn’t?

What if, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t pretending? Maybe my Devil didn’t only help me see the truth when it came to my dad. Maybe he showed me my soul and the darkness dwelling within, a darkness that’s always been a part of me.

Maybe I’d always been fucked up.

Chapter Eight – Laina

The disapproval radiating from Mike as he drove us to wherever Lola was keeping the asshole who helped kidnap me this past time was enough to agitate me. He kept his thoughts to himself, but if I had to say, he was thinking pretty damn loudly.

He didn’t think I should go. He didn’t think I should interrogate him with Lola. Maybe he was afraid I’d get a taste for it.

Or maybe he was just being a butthead.

Lola was waiting for me outside of the warehouse, talking to some guy I’d never seen before. She wore a very revealing outfit, almost like armor, and I immediately noticed a skull jaw made of metal sitting on her chest, hanging around her neck from a silver chain. Fang’s work, clearly.

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