Page 22 of Wandering Closer

“I just don’t want to see you taken advantage of. You have plenty to offer on your own. Hell, don’t tell Riv, but I think you have more to offer someone. Make sure she’s in it for you. So, are you guys dating now?”

The sudden sting in my eyes is surprising. River is worth millions, plays professional baseball, and is genuinely a good guy. I know that isn’t everything in a relationship, but it makes a difference. Jen made sure to drive that point home frequently, comparing my brother and I anytime we fought. She made me feel like my love, devotion, and care for her would never be enough. I took care of her financially as well, but that still wasn’t enough. Having my best friend validate my worth doesn’t make up for all that, but it fills me with a warmth all the same.

“Nah, we clicked, and there is a definite connection there. She seems like she’s not interested in a relationship right now. I’m not really sure, but I don’t mind being her friend for now. I enjoy spending time with her, in any regard.”

He hums in answer, thinking it through. “Jen never deserved you, and I don’t want you holding onto something that might not be there for her. You deserve someone who fights for you,” his quiet voice is deep and filled with emotion.

“Hell, I knew you were a big fucking softie. Thanks man, but we are still just getting to know each other. All I know right now is I like her, and I want to spend more time with her.” I grip his shoulder. “You’re my best friend, and I appreciate you looking out for me.”

He keeps his eyes trained out the window, bobbing his head in acknowledgement as we patrol the rest of the area.

“Are you going to tell me the rest of it?” he asks, “Why you’re being a surly dick?”

“I’m not being a dick. I just…I don’t know. I took her hiking Tuesday afternoon. We went to the little waterfall Shadow loves, and it was going so well. Conversation was flowing, I held her hand, she took a dip in the water with me,” I note how he angles a brow at me. “No, she didn’t strip down, but she watched my every move as I stripped to my skivvies.”

He chuckles and shakes his head at me again. “Okay, so what was the problem?”

“We had this moment, in the water. Shadow shook all over her shirt, getting it soaked and dirty. You know Jen would have lost her shit at something like that. But Lily just touched my arm saying it was okay and laughed it off. I just stood there like a stunned jackass because all I could think was ‘I could really fall for this woman’. More than I already have, like truly fall in love with her without even trying.” I rub at the tightness in my chest. It’s too soon to be feeling like this. Too soon after Jen, too soon with Lily. Despite my head's reservations, my heart is wide open and ready for her.

I thought I was ready to be with someone again, but what if I’m not? I gave my all to Jen, and she ripped my heart to shreds before tossing me the pieces. It’s not that I’m not over her, because I am. It’s more that my heart is just learning to heal. I can’t risk someone pulling apart all the tape and glue I have been slapping on there.

“You’re afraid of getting hurt,” Jake guesses accurately.

“Yeah. I don’t know much about her past. What if I’m nothing like she normally goes for? What if she is still in love with her ex and she’s just hoping to be chased? What if she discovers that small town life doesn’t suit her after all?”

He’s quiet for another moment, looking at all the campsites we pass. It’s fairly clean, but that is typical for weekday campers, it’s the weekend only people who tend to make more of a ruckus and mess. “What if it all works out?”

That scares me as equally as if it doesn’t. It’s hard to focus on the possibility of it working out when the other side of that coin is getting my heart broken again.

“So what about you? Are you still getting orders left, right, and center?”

Jake rubs a hand down his face before answering. “Yeah, it’s kind of been crazy. I’m getting so many that I feel like I have to tell the showroom to put a sign on my work saying three to six months wait. I think it’s almost time for me to lose this job and build full-time.”

“Then do it. Don’t stick around on my account. We’ll still see each other, I’ll just come annoy the hell out of you at the shop.” He laughs, punching me in the shoulder. “I mean it. That’s been your goal all along. If the opportunity is there, then take it.”

“What if a year or two down the road the orders stop coming in, and it’s no longer a full time gig? I don’t want to tuck tail and beg for this job back.”

I throw his earlier words back at him, “Yeah, but what if they don’t and you succeed?”

With all the locations on our list checked off, we decide to stop for lunch in town. Just as we are sitting down with our loaded sausages, my phone rings. The office number lights up my screen, so I answer immediately.

“Hello?”

“Hey Thoren, where are you at right now?” Niles, one of the other rangers, asks.

“Just sat down with Jake for lunch in town. What’s up?”

“We might have a missing hiker. Someone called saying their friend went for an early morning hike, saying they would be back within two hours. That was five hours ago. Can you head back to the office to map out where she was and decide if your team needs to go out right away or not?” he asks, sounding concerned.

“We’ll head back to the office now, okay? Just write down everything you know and I’ll get on it. Thanks Niles.” I hang up and nod to Jake who is already getting up and grabbing a to-go container.

“Search and rescue?” He unlocks the truck and we hop in. Jake was the first one I told when this position was handed over to me. While I have been consistently volunteering with the team, Jake only does it here and there when he can. His support was overwhelming though, and really meant a lot. It’s intimidating taking on something that literally puts lives in your hand, but he has had my back the whole time, encouraging me.

“Possible missing hiker. I’ll know more once we get in, but they only went out this morning.”

“You worried?”

“Yeah. I never wanted this job. I want to run our department, not the SAR team. It’s a lot of pressure that I still don’t feel ready for,” I answer honestly.

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