Page 34 of Caged Bird

He glanced at his watch again and picked up the test. “You ready?”

I wasn’t, but I never was. At some point, you just had to rip off the Band-Aid. “Yes.”

He turned it over.

I instantly knew it was negative. I knew him too well for him to hide it.

Despite myself, despite preparing for this and knowing the odds of getting pregnant naturally were almost none, tears filled my eyes.

He pulled me close, crushing me inside his arms and kissed my head. “We’ve still got another round of IVF to go.”

I nodded, his solid heartbeat in my ear.

“All I want is to make you a mom, Eve,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I hate I can’t do that for you. I’m so sorry.”

I cried on his chest until he cupped my face with both hands and tilted it up, wiping my tears with his thumbs. He stared down at me. “I love you.”

I nodded. “I know. I love you too.”

That was all we had to cling to on days like this. It was how I pulled myself together each time and picked myself up off the floor. Knowing that I was the luckiest woman on earth because I had him. And that even if I’d known we’d go through all of this pain, I’d still choose him again and again, every day, for the rest of my life.

The next morning, I kissed Boston goodbye as he left to work at his security firm. And when I went to the bathroom, the blood between my thighs was a sad reminder of what we’d already realized the night before.

I got in the shower and stood there for a long time, letting the water fall down around me. I didn’t need to be at the club until later, but I didn’t want to be alone in the house either. My emotions were too raw, and I didn’t want to get sucked down into them. So I got dressed, and got in the car, driving aimlessly until, all of a sudden, I wasn’t.

I drove up to the bluffs, parked my car, and then walked the long familiar track I’d hiked many times over the last few years. The waterfall and the big natural pool it made at its base welcomed me back, the sense of peace I always found here settling over me once more.

It was easy to see why this had always been Fawn’s favorite spot.

I picked at some stray leaves that had caught against the remembrance plaque we’d gotten permission to put up years ago. We hadn’t had a body to bury in a cemetery, and remembering her here, amongst the trees, with the water flowing over the rocks had just felt right.

I traced my fingers over the engraved letters of her name. “We’re trying another round of IVF. The appointment is already scheduled.” I swallowed. “But I think this is the last one. I don’t think I have any more in me. My heart hurts too much.”

I sighed, grateful for the warm sunshine and the quiet day. Birds chirped happily in the trees, and there wasn’t another soul in sight. I turned my face up to the sky, basking in the warmth. “I miss you,” I whispered. “Time hasn’t made it hurt less.”

Some days I’d wanted to join her. When the grief of losing her combined with the ache of not being able to have a baby and my heart felt like it would never be whole again.

But even on the darkest days, I kept going.

For her, because she hadn’t been given the choice.

11

ZANE

Iwoke up to Eddie hollering my name.

I blinked in the bright morning sunlight that the tattered blinds did nothing to keep out and tried to work out where the hell I was.

The night before came rushing back in full color and vivid detail. Despite my brother’s obnoxious shouting, I smiled, remembering Fawn’s thighs wrapped around my head, her pussy weeping for me and tasting like pure, sweet sugar.

Movement caught my eye at the doorway. Otis lingered there, looking uncertain and worried.

I shifted onto my side and rubbed a hand over my face, trying to wake myself up. “Hey, kiddo. You okay?”

He bit his bottom lip.

And suddenly a spear of fear shot through me. “Is your mom okay?”

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