Page 6 of Blue Lines and Lullabies

“This is more of a precaution. She’s passed every test so far, which is excellent news,” Sandy tells me kindly.

She motions for me to walk into a sequestered room, where I can see individual spaces with incubators. Suddenly, I feel like my feet are encased in concrete. I’m sluggishly trailing behind Sandy as she steadily walks toward the furthest incubator.

I’m about to meet a baby that might be mine.

Holy shit.

“It’s okay, Mr. Dawson. Take all the time you need,” Sandy says quietly, smiling warmly as she stands next to the incubator. I swallow hard and force myself to take the final few steps to stand beside her.

Looking down, I’m momentarily unable to breathe.

I know immediately she’s mine. How do I know? Gut feeling. Instinct. Whatever.

I can’t take my eyes off of her. She’s wrapped tightly in a blanket, a hat on her tiny head, but I can see a bit of dark hair peeking out from under the hat. As if she knows I’m here, her eyes suddenly open, and she looks at me. I feel that look in the depths of my soul. I’m connected to this breathtaking baby girl, and it’s as if my life is actually starting, right at this moment. Everything changes.

“Would you like to hold her?”

“Yes,” I breathe. Pant is a better explanation for my breathing, if I’m being honest. My heart is racing as I wring my hands together nervously.

Sandy motions for me to sit in the rocking chair behind me, then opens the incubator to carefully pick up the baby. I hear a little cry as she’s moved, and I immediately pop up from the chair, ready to protect her. How dare Sandy hurt my daughter!

Jesus. Dad mode came on pretty fast.

“Is she okay?” I finally say, hovering behind Sandy.

“She’s fine. Newborns make all kinds of noises, Mr. Dawson. You’ll need to get used to that, I think.”

“I’m sorry. This is so surreal, and I don’t know how to act right now,” I confess.

“You’re doing just fine. You’re acting like a dad,” she says with a smile. “Sit back down, and I’ll put her in your arms.”

Once seated, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen is placed in my arms, and it’s as if time stops. Her eyes connect with mine again, and I notice she has my nose. Her eyes are a dark blue, nothing like mine, and I can’t remember the color of her mom’s eyes. I think they were blue, but I’m not sure.

“Can you, uh, can you tell me what color her mom’s eyes are? I mean, were. I think Nicole had blue eyes, but I’m second-guessing my memories now,” I murmur.

“Babies aren’t born with their final eye color. It’ll slowly change over the next few months. A baby’s eyes lack pigment, so many appear to have blue, or gray, eyes. But if you’d really like to know, I can try to track down the information.”

I look up at Sandy and nod. “I would, actually. If I am her father, I want to be able to tell her more about her mother.”

Sandy’s smile falters as she nods. “I’ll see what I can find out for you.”

“Are you allowed to tell me what happened to her mother?” I ask weakly.

Sandy sighs, and grabs a chair to pull up beside me. “I’m not at liberty to discuss explicit details, as you aren’t technically immediate family to Ms. Givens, but I can tell you it was a spontaneous issue that developed immediately after birth. Ms. Givens developed a hemorrhage, and the doctors couldn’t stop the bleeding.”

“So she saw the baby at least?” I ask hopefully.

“She did.”

“Ha — had she picked a name out?” I stammer.

“I believe she did. Let me look at the file,” Sandy says as she pulls out an iPad. A few moments later, she nods affirmatively. “Mackenzie. I don’t know a middle name, unfortunately.”

“Mackenzie,” I whisper, and the baby’s eyes immediately open as if she knows that is her name. “Hi, sweet girl.”

“The paternity test should be ready by the end of the day,” Sandy whispers. “I know you’ll want to know as quickly as possible.”

“I didn’t know it could happen that fast,” I admit.

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