Page 176 of Vicious Addictions

For the past week, I haven’t left Mina’s bed.

It’s done. It’s over.

My heart is in her hands now.

Whatever comes after this, I was the instrument that set it on course.

I no longer have the will to stay away.

I know it’s wrong. I know we are just setting ourselves up for a world of hurt.

But I’ve decided something today.

If today is all we have, then I would rather spend it with her than remain in this utter agonizing misery, longing for her.

I no longer have the will or the strength to refuse her.

Not when every second I spend with Mina feels this right.

Even when I know in my heart it will end.

I would rather have the memories of her with me than nothing at all.

October 9th Kent, England.

Mina told me that she loved me again.

And it fucking devastated me that I couldn’t say it back.

She’s a fucking angel, my girl.

Because she’s never questioned my feelings for her, even when I haven’t been vocal with them.

But today, I couldn’t stop myself—I told her I loved her…in Italian.

It’s the only safe way I’ve found to give her the rest of me without truly saying the words, knowing that one day, I’ll have to leave her.

It wouldn’t be fair to her if I said them out loud in English.

So I told her all the words I’ve been whispering in her ear while she sleeps since the first night she led me into her bed.

Ti amo così tanto amore

Non c’è niente che non darei per trattenerti.

E come mi tormenta la certezza che ti perderò.

Il mio cuore sanguina per te.

Il mio cuore sanguinerà sempre per te.

I love you so much, love.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you.

And how I’m tormented that I can’t.

My heart bleeds for you.

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