Page 68 of Deviant

“I…wasn’t…it just happened.“

“No, don’t take the coward’s way out. That shit didn’t just happen. You knew what you were doing. But you forgot one crucial thing—I know you. I know every little thing about you. You don’t love me. Not like that, anyway. And that’s okay.I never asked you to. I know what we are, and I’ve made my peace with that years ago. But you trying to manipulate me…toy with my feelings…just to get your way…that’s not you, Rowen. That isn’t the girl I love.”

Tears start welling in my eyes as she shakes me again.

She’s so angry at me. Deservingly so.

“I’m sorry,” I say again before wrapping my arms around her. “I’m so sorry.” She continues to be as stiff as a board as I sob on her shoulder. “Please forgive me. Please, Nora.”

After a few minutes of hearing me cry and beg for forgiveness, she relaxes somewhat and hugs me back.

“I know you are. I know.”

“I’m so sorry, Nora. Please…I didn’t mean it…forgive me,” I continue to apologize in a manic state.

“Shh, Roe. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

I cry harder, realizing that I’m the one who messed things up, yet somehow, she’s the one comforting me.

As I continue to cry and beg for forgiveness, I forget what I’m truly apologizing for.

Is it because I can’t love her back like she wants me to, or is it because I love her so much that I can’t fathom the idea of living without her?

It’s all a colossal mess.

Blackwater Falls loves huge messes, but this…takes the cake.

“Hey, I don’t have to leave just yet. How about we sit on the couch and watch Attack on Titan like we told your dad? I’m sure he’ll have plenty of questions about it in the morning, and it would be pretty bad if you couldn’t answer them.”

I nod hesitantly and allow her to guide me to the living room. As soon as we settle down on the couch, I rest my head on her lap. She switches on the TV to her favorite anime streaming service and selects the show she’s been obsessing over. Still, therock anthem intro does little to alleviate the heaviness in my chest.

There is still so much she should know.

“You know if I could—“

“I know,” she finishes.

If I could fall in love with her, I would. There is no better human being than Nora. I just never had the same romantic feelings for her that she’s had for me.

“My bad luck is Aidan’s good one, I guess,” she teases.

“I don’t love him,” I confess, not wanting to keep any secrets between us.

“I know that, too.” She lets out a sigh while brushing my hair with her fingers. “I know he’s just a distraction. People in Blackwater Falls would go crazy without them. I never expected you to be any different.”

“Would you rather I date someone else? I could if you wanted me to.”

Nora laughs.

“What I’d like is for you to find someone who actually deserves you. Someone who understands you like I do. Someone who makes you feel alive and fills your days with excitement. Aidan just isn’t it.”

“And what if I’m not built that way?”

“What do you mean?” she asks curiously.

I sit back up on the couch, my face just inches away from hers.

“Love. I’m not good at it. Aside from my father, you’re the only person I love, and I can’t even do that right.”

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