Page 49 of Riding Jamie

I shove up from the stump, not even bothering to wipe the snow from my jeans as I march through the woods toward Jamie’s house. I don’t usually bother taking the shortcut, since it doesn’t really shave off that much time, but I feel so exposed and bare right now. The cover of the trees feels like it’s all that’s keeping me from imploding.

My head spins as I make my way down the familiar path, trying to figure out what to say. There’s no easy way to explain this, to apologize, but I have to figure something out.

I’ve never been upset that the walk to Jamie’s house is so short, but I still feel so unprepared when I step out of the woods into his backyard.

I feel even less ready when I find him sitting on the back porch, his head in his hands. I freeze on the edge of the trees, suddenly scared that I’m going to make things even worse. That’s just a risk I’ll have to take.

Jamie looks up in surprise when he hears the crunch of my footsteps on the snow. His face goes through a million different emotions in the course of a second, but it settles on pure apathy.

The sight plunges a knife straight into my chest and twists it cruelly.

I pick up my pace until I’m damn near running to clear the distance between us. I’m breathless when I skid to a stop in front of him, tears already welling in my eyes.

“I was wrong,” I blurt out immediately. “I talked to my dad. The paperwork is bullshit. Shane’s a liar, or at least his family is using him. I was so, so wrong, Jamie.”

He just stares at me.

There’s a palpable weight of sadness resting on his shoulders, but it’s not the kind I’m used to. Jamie is fiery, explosive,passionate. He doesn’t shut down like this. He doesn’t…he doesn’t give up.

Please tell me he didn’t give up.

“Our dads made a stupid fucking bet about Chuckles, and my dad got mad he lost, and they got in a fight and never forgave each other,” I say, hoping he’ll react. If I just keep talking, there has to be something he’ll react to. “Shane’s aunt is married to my parent’s old financial advisor, the guy who got run out of town for embezzling money from a bunch of people when we were kids. Peter Wallace. He’s Savannah’s fuckinguncle. I don’t know why, but they’ve been trying to fuck with us this whole time, and I kept jumping to conclusions and making it easy on them.”

He’s still silent. A sigh falls from his lips, but it just sounds tired. There’s no anger in his eyes, no frustration. It’s all just exhaustion. My desperation mounts, fear climbing up my throat along with it.

“Fucking say something!” I shout.

He finally meets my eyes, but there’s still no emotion on his face.

“What do you want me to say?”

I gape at him, so scared I can’t find words. I want to be angry, to yell at him, but all I can come up with is terror. Is this how it ends? Has the well of feeling in him just dried up completely?

“Did you hear what I just said?” My voice shakes with the trembling of my lip. “I waswrong. You were right, Jamie, about everything. I stood up to my dad and told him that I wouldn’t let him make me choose between the two of you. I—I’m sorry it took this long, Jamie, but I love you. We can fix this. Can’t we?”

We have to be able to. There has to be a way we can move past this. I can’t lose Jamie.

“Oakley…” He trails off, and my heart shatters at hearing him say my name so plainly. There’s no warmth, no love. It’s like he’s filled to the brim with pure emptiness. “I’m glad you figuredthis out, okay? I’m grateful. But that doesn’t mean that what I said earlier isn’t true. I’m still a good for nothing idiot with no idea what to do with my life. You’re still too good for me. That’s always going to be true.”

Freezing tears slip down my cheeks, and I shake my head furiously.

“I don’t care,” I say staunchly. “I don’t care if you never have any idea what you want to do with your life. I don’t care if you’re a billionaire or if you don’t have a penny to your name.”

“I do!” he shouts, pushing up from the porch step. “I fucking care, Oakley. I don’t deserve you! I don’t have anything to bring to the table!”

A heartbroken laugh tears from my throat. I want to grab him and shake him, but my body refuses to move.

“I don’t care what you bring to the table, Jamie,” I say, my voice brittle and small. “I didn’t fall in love with you because you were a bull rider, or because you were going to take care of me. I fell in love with you because you’ve always seen me for the person I really am. You know me where it matters. I fell in love with you because you’re Jamie Walker, not for anything else.”

His face crumples into something so pained that I can’t even look, my heart aching in my chest as I watch him clench his fists at his side and shake his head.

“I love you, Oakley.” The words sound agonized, like he’s forcing every syllable out around barbed wire. I never thought hearing him say that would make mescared. “I love you more than I can ever say. But I can’t watch you waste your time on me when we both know you deserve better.”

“Fuck you!” I shout, my anger finally breaking free. “I know exactly what I fucking deserve, Jamie! I know what I want! You don’t get to make that decision for me any more than my dad does. I choose you, over and over, no matter what. I know Ifucked up, okay? I know I hurt you, and I’msorry, and I swear I’ll fix it. I can’t lose you, Jamie. I—please.”

A tear slips down his cheek, his nostrils flaring the way they always do when he’s trying not to break down. My chest feels like it’s about to cave in as he shakes his head.

“I just need to figure this out for myself, Oakley,” he whispers, almost as quiet as the snow that’s falling around us. “Just give me some time. Please.”

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