Page 45 of Riding Jamie

“The paperwork doesn’t make sense,” I say, still facing the wall. “It came out of nowhere, and we don’t know anything about it. We should at least talk to our parents about it.”

Oakley is quiet behind me, but I doubt I’d be able to hear her even if she had anything to say. My heart is beating so loud I canhear the blood rushing in my ears, and I want to throw up and collapse into a pile on the floor.

“It doesn’t matter what I believe, about this or about Shane,” I continue. “I love how loyal you are, and how you don’t let anyone talk you out of a decision after you’ve made it, but that’s the problem here. You’ve already chosen what you believe, and you’ll always stand with your dad and with your family.”

It’s a harsh thing to say, especially considering I haven’t done anything to stand up to my dad about his opinion of my relationship. When it comes down to it, I’d pick her over my family in a second. I know she wouldn’t do the same, and that probably makes her a better person than I am, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“Wh—Jamie, what is that even supposed tomean?” she asks. “What are you talking about?”

Her voice is wobbling, and when I turn to face her again, I see the guilt in her eyes. I probably look the same, just as destroyed and guilty and angry at myself.

“I’m never going to be good enough for you, Oakley.”

The words come out of my mouth like shards of broken glass, jagged and raw. I slump back against the wall behind me, all of the fight draining from my body. My energy dissipates with it, leaving me feeling shaky and like I’m seconds from falling to the ground and sobbing.

“You don’t get to make that decision,” she says sharply.

Panic is creeping around the edges of her eyes, lingering on the edge of her words. I never thought things would go this way, but I can’t keep holding her back.

I want my girl to be happy, and if she can’t trust me, she’ll never be happy with me.

“Okay,” she says, stepping back and taking a deep breath. “Let’s just—how about we take a break? We’re both upset. Let’s sit down for a minute.”

I wish I could agree, but I find myself shaking my head before I can even think about it. It’s like ripping a bandaid off, I guess. That’s never hurt this bad, but I can’t back out now.

Oakley deserves a better life than I could ever give her.

“Look at me, baby,” I whisper, my voice shaking as I try to hold my tears back. “I’m barely out of highschool, and my career is already over.”

She shakes her head, tears streaming down her face.

“Don’t say that, Jamie,” she begs.

“Your life is just beginning. You’re going to do amazing things, Oakley.” My words sound so hollow, even though I believe them with my whole heart. Maybe it’s just because I feel like an empty shell. “I wanted our lives to be together. I just—I can’t give you that anymore. I have no idea who I am, I have no idea what I can do. I can’t take care of you, I can’t support you. I have no income anymore, and I have no idea what else to do. The circuit was the only thing I knew how to do, and it’s gone now. I’m not worth it.”

Trying to stop myself from crying proves futile, and the image of Oakley goes blurry as my vision fills with tears. Panic rears its head at the thought that she’ll eventually be nothing more than a blurry memory, and a sob tears free from my throat.

“Wait, Jamie, don’t…” Oakley sounds just as distraught as I feel, struggling for words and choking on the lump in her throat. “That’s not true! I don’t need you to take care of me, but there’s so much you can do. There’s so many things you’re good at, you’ll find something.Wecan find something.”

My eyes are glued to the carpet, the thought of looking her in the eyes right now utterly unbearable.

“You should…you should go back home, Oakley.”

She sucks in a pained gasp, the sound lancing straight through my heart.

“Are you breaking up with me?” she asks raggedly.

An agonizing breath sears down my throat at hearing those words out loud, but I don’t say anything. I can’t look up, can’t find the words to make her understand that I only want the best for her. All I can do is stand here silently, listening to the love of my life cry, knowing that I’m the reason she’s hurting. It makes me want to vomit.

“Go home.”

The sound of papers crumpling in her hands as she grabs them off my bed followed by her footsteps stomping down the hallway doesn’t register for a long time.

When it does, all I can do is slide down the wall, collapsing under the weight of my own guilt and pain, and finally allowing myself to properly cry.

Chapter Twenty-One

OAKLEY

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