Page 15 of Riding Jamie

Give it time, I chide myself. I can be patient.

It is a big change, after all.

But I feel like I’m making progress, even if it’s slow. Dinner is fun, and he takes me to a little hibachi place around the corner. The food is good, and he doesn’t ask me about my family this time. We mostly chat about work and I bask in the praises he showers over me for my hard work. He pays, and I don’t arguethis time. I think I see his cheeks go a little red when he hands over his card for both of us, and I don’t shy away from the thought of it being cute this time. He places a few bills beneath his plate as a tip before we leave, capping off a perfectly pleasant dinner.

A perfectly pleasant date. Maybe.

Ugh, I don’t even know if I want it to be a date or if I just want to be his friend, but I am genuinely trying. Kind of hard when my own head is bringing up a million memories of Jamie even still. It was never this confusing when I was with Jamie, but I guess there were fewer variables with him, too. We were kids when we met, and Shane and I work together. Maybe he’s worried about ruining our professional relationship.

“I can drive you home, if you want?” he offers as we exit the restaurant, and I smile again as I turn to face him. “Or you can get a cab if you’re not comfortable with that.”

“No, I—I’d appreciate it, if you’re ok with driving me.”

I meant to say that I’dlikeit, but I guess I can only be so enthusiastic when I still haven’t made up my mind. The penthouse isn’t far from the restaurant, and the drive is quick, but it’s nice not having to walk the few blocks home or shell out for a cab.

He pulls into a parking space smoothly, hopping out and opening my door for me while I’m getting my bag from the floor. I look up at him with a warm smile, but I feel my gut sink all the same. If he was Jamie, my whole body would be alight with excitement. Looking up at him like that would make me want to kiss him stupid, but all I see when I look up is the face of a friend. He’s objectively attractive, and I try to remind myself of all the reasons he’d make a great partner, but I just…I can’t do this.

“Thanks for letting me take you out,” he says as he helps me out of the car, his hand soft where mine rests in it. “It’s nice getting to spend time with you.”

My smile wavers as I pull my hand free of his, stepping to the side and moving a little closer to the doors to the condo. My anxiety from earlier is starting to make a real reappearance, and I think now is probably the time to say goodnight and head inside before this goes way further than I’m ready for it to. Maybe I’m just rushing into things too fast. If I take it slow, I’m sure Shane and I could be a really good fit.

“It was a good celebration dinner,” I agree, laughing awkwardly.

I stop myself from saying anything more when he steps closer, tensing up. My jaw snaps shut and my eyes blow wide in panic when he reaches up to brush a lock of hair out of my face and tuck it behind my ear. I want to tell him that I’m just not ready yet, that I need some more time. I know he’d understand, but my mind parrots my own thoughts from earlier about getting in my own way of moving on, and I wind up freezing entirely as he leans down.

I go stiff as a board when his lips meet mine, a shocked little gasp slipping from my mouth. He doesn’t push for more, keeping the kiss chaste and soft, his lips smooth and warm against mine, but my blood goes cold. I panic after a few seemingly endless moments of just standing there and I shove him back, harder than I intended to.

I wipe my hand across my lips, trembling as my anxiety ramps up. The sounds of cars passing suddenly seems too loud, the lights of the city too bright, and I close my eyes tightly.

When Jamie kissed me, it always felt like I was coming home. Everything was easy with him, like we fit together perfectly, like it was allright.

Shane just felt like a stranger.

“God, fuck, I’m sorry,” I grit out, frustrated and horrified with myself in turn. “I’m so sorry, Shane, I just, I’m not ready.You’re an amazing friend, and I don’t want to lose you. I’m just not ready for something like that.”

I don’t know if I will ever be ready again. Maybe Jamie was it for me, and I’ll never feel like that with anyone else.

The thought brings helpless tears to my eyes, but I force them open. Shane deserves to have me at least look at him properly. I expect to see understanding in his eyes, maybe a sad smile on his face. He’s always so level-headed and gentle, and I can’t imagine he’d be anything but sympathetic in this situation.

When my eyes clear enough to get a proper look at him, he’s red in the face from embarrassment and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Ah, right, sorry,” he says with an uncomfortable laugh.. “Your ex and all, I get it. I uh, probably had too much to drink.”

I flush in shame and frustration with myself, feeling absolutely awful. The last thing I wanted to do was lead Shane on, and that’s exactly what I wound up doing. God, I should’ve explained everything to him at the start. I don’t want to hurt him just because I can’t make up my mind.

“Sorry,” he says again, reaching out like he’s going to pat my shoulder. He drops his hand before he touches me, clearly unsure of where we stand. “I didn’t mean to—well, I did mean to kiss you, but I should have asked. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Oakley.”

All I can do is blink at him in shock as he smiles hopefully at me, and relief crashes into me. I let out a grateful sigh, smiling back at him bashfully.

“No, I should’ve said something,” I correct him. “I do…I want to try, I think. I’m just not ready for anything yet.”

“There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere,” he says, the tension fading between us. “I’ll see you at work, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you at work.”

I watch him climb back into his car and shoot me a cheery wave before he pulls back out onto the street. It’s a relief that I was right about him understanding. I know being rejected can hurt, even if I didn’treallyreject him. He handled it much more maturely than I would have been able to.

I head inside and wait for the elevator, stepping on when it dings to announce its arrival. I press the button for my floor and slump back against the wall, disappointed in myself and glad that Shane is better at dealing with all this than I am.

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