Page 79 of Lust

Then comes a moment I remember too well, but it’s not like the other memories. It’s much later.

I’m in high school, and I finish my 5A championship, breathing heavily as I search for Mom, who hurries to me. Yet a part of me, some part that’s forgotten, even after four years, looks for Dad.

But he’s not around.

Tears stir in my eyes.

Don’t let her see. Don’t let her know.

But as her gaze meets mine…

Fuck, she knows.

I stuff all my emotions away. Push on like that didn’t just happen.

Now I’m in the hospital, and my uncle approaches, teary-eyed. He looks just like Mom did back when Dad died.

No, no. It’s not real. It can’t be.

It all comes flooding back. Every cruel moment. Her funeral. Stuffing down my emotions to keep it together long enough to make it through. Then the haunting moments, like with Dad, not the terrible, nightmarish moments, but beautiful moments when I wanted them to be there.

To see me.

To be proud.

To show me they loved me.

I’m opening a letter.

My acceptance to St. Lawrence. A rush of excitement runs through me, and I search around as if they’re somewhere here with me, for me to share it with.

But they’re not here.

They’re gone.

The pain burns within me like fire. It overtakes me, and suddenly there’s just darkness again, and I thrash about wildly as the sensations don’t cease with the memories. They go on, terrorizing me, and I cry out to the unjust universe for taking them from me.

I cry out, knowing only Brad can hear my pain.

Finally, the sensation releases me, and I collapse on my back, breathing deeply. The pain has ceased, and I feel something else move through me.

I know what this is even before it hits me fully. It doesn’t feel like relief, but like a quiet embrace of all that’s horrible and beautiful. An acceptance of this powerful grief. My body vibrates with energy, tingling all over, and it reminds me of the feeling I got when Brad first touched me.

As I close my eyes once again, I feel like I’m being embraced in a warm hug. I’m floating in what in my mind’s eye looks like an orange light, moving through me. It’s the energy Brad told me about, from the Rift.

Suddenly I’m aware I’m not just floating in my mind, but levitating, without needing Brad inside me. It’s not me doing it this time, though. It’s something beyond me.

As I open my eyes again, I find myself steadily drifting to the floor, before settling against it, this energy that possessed me dissipating, leaving me trembling.

The door at the top of the stairs opens, followed by footsteps. I don’t have to turn to know it’s him.

He hurries over and kneels at my side. “Luke?”

“It happened,” I whisper so softly, I wonder if he heard me.

“I know. I felt it.”

Despite the ease I feel now, I notice the terror in Brad’s expression.

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