Page 73 of Lust

He continues running his thumb back and forth across my skin, gazing into my eyes, when the server arrives with our calzones.

We release each other to grab our silverware and start eating.

“Cut me off a piece of yours,” I tell Brad.

“Really? I thought you were sticking to playing it safe tonight.”

“Eh, I was thinking I’ve had a good time experimenting recently.” I wink at him, and a smile sweeps across his face.

Yes, I’ve had very good experiences. And looking forward to many more.

*

The next twodays, Brad and I don’t meet up just to fuck around.

Or, notonlyto fuck around.

As this Sinners stuff becomes more involved, I realize I have to find a way to make it work with school, so we schedule a study hour at the library, and if I’m real good and get all my work done, Brad shows me a good time in the fourth-floor bathroom.

Since our date, things have been different between us. We’ve been more playful in bed. There’s been more jokiness and teasing between all that. I can let my guard down around him. Be myself.

Of course, if only the days were just about fucking, school, and spending time together. Unfortunately, I still have to make my attempts at meditating to receive this magical Moment that…doesn’t seem to be happening, and with each day that passes, I become increasingly concerned.

On Thursday, Brad and I are in the church cellar, in our familiar seated positions. I’ve gotten better about steadying my breathing, concentrating, but my thoughts are as cluttered as ever. There’s so much to think about.

All the interactions I had with the guys initially.

The bizarre conversations we’ve shared.

The horrifying vision and seeing that monster hunting that poor guy.

Not for the first time since we started meditating, a familiar image springs to mind.

Dark hair.

Sharp jawline.

Kind eyes.

Dad’s face.

Not the one I was used to seeing growing up, but from pictures I saw of him taken when he was around my age. I can see him, vividly, as he sits down in the cellar with the Sinners’ bible in his hands, studying the information Dobbers received from the Guides.

What did he think about all this? What was his experience? I get why he never mentioned it to his kid, but did he tell Mom?

Then suddenly, the images shift to my past.

“Daddy’s not okay, sweetie,” Mom says.

And I know in an instant what she means, but I still ask, “He’ll be okay, though, right?”

But even then, I knew better.

A tightness twists in my chest before it burns like a fire. Tears slide from my eyes. “No,” I whisper. Please, not that.

“Luke?”

As I feel Brad’s hand on my thigh, I force my eyes open. My body trembles, and I break out in a cold sweat. “I need a moment,” I confess.

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