Page 61 of Lust

Maybe that’s because I’ve gotten so good at hiding my sin, even from myself.

I don’t have to tell him more. I could leave it there with him feeling sympathy for me, but I don’t want to lie.

Not to him.

Not anymore.

17

LUKE

Asearing painburns like fire within me. I can’t believe what Brad just shared. I cringe when he uses the worddadto describe this bastard. But just as soon as Brad pulled at my heartstrings, now I can’t help but be suspicious. Done something horrible? What has he done?

He doesn’t leave me in suspense, getting right to the point. “After I graduated from high school, I connected with Mom again. And she’s the same woman she’s always been. Loving, caring. She welcomed me back into her life effortlessly, and my dad refused to see me after my ‘betrayal.’ But life has a real fucked-up way of giving you so much only to take something else away because Mom had been diagnosed with MS…multiple sclerosis.”

As if his tragic past wasn’t bad enough.

“You know what that is?”

I nod. “A little.”

“Shaking. Seizures. Terrible, crippling pain. Mom’s progressed quickly. And it’s hard knowing that the person you finally have back in your life is already slipping from your grasp.”

As he says the words, it’s hard to imagine how he could think any of this means something terrible about him. But I’m quiet, wait for him to go on.

“Remember when I told you we each had our reasons for fucking around with our powers from the Rift?”

“Yeah.”

“When we found out about the Sinners, and Cody convinced me this stuff actually worked, I thought I could find a way to use it to help her. A spell or something. Cody has some healing abilities, but we’ve learned those have their limitations. Then a few months after realizing what my own powers were, I discovered that if I visited Mom, her pain and symptoms would be gone for weeks. When she would go to the doctors, they would be shocked by things they saw, like parts of her brain healing that shouldn’t be. It’s not some miracle cure. Only gives her a few weeks of relief before she gets symptoms again, but if I make a quick visit, she’s fine again. It’s not something I can control. It just happens. Either from her being around me or maybe because it’s something I want so deeply, part of me is doing it without consciously being aware of how, like what happens with you.”

I would have expected him to share that with enthusiasm or hope, but his words are filled with dread.

“That’s good, right?” Even as I say it, I fear I know where this is going.

His gaze narrows as he glances at me. “It gave me hope that I could cure her. The Sinners’ bible mentions the Guides who helped them unlock the Rift’s secrets. I thought if we contacted them, maybe they could help my mom. Permanently. The bible mentions evil beings we might encounter in the Rift, and that we’d need to be able to guard against them. I knew we weren’t ready, but I pushed. When we went under, we came across one of those beings. We all felt it. And we had to stop. It lurked near the opening of the Rift. We didn’t expect something would get through, but then Cody started having visions, and we discovered something was going to break into our world and hunt people. That’s why initially we thought you were going to be one of its victims…before we knew about your powers.”

“How could you know that you’re the reason this monster was going to enter our world?”

“It’s hard to explain…but the better you get at this, the more you can feel the Rift, become in sync with it. You can feel when what you’re doing is working with it, honoring its power, and when you’re overstepping. It’s the same as your conscience when you do something right or wrong. You fucking know in your soul. I knew we weren’t ready to go in, but I pushed anyway because I was more concerned with being with my mom who’d been taken from me. I didn’t give a fuck about the consequences. And now a man’s dead. And others may die because of what we’ve done.” He turns away from me. “Don’t you see? I’m a monster. Fucking around with this stuff is why this thing got out, and now we’re paying the price of my sin.”

There it is.

This was why he didn’t want to share his reason for playing with this stuff. Because he feels guilty about what’s gotten out.

“When I left my dad at eighteen, I’d finally started to believe he was wrong about me. Even came to the same school as him with my inheritance from my grandfather to prove him wrong, to show him I could be somebody. But now I’ve just proven that every time he looked at me with scorn and disdain, every time I could see him hating me for reasons I didn’t understand, maybe it was because he could see me for what I really am.”

It’s a chilling confession. “Brad—”

Another tear breaks away from his eye, streaming down a familiar path.

He pushes to his feet. “I should go,” he says, but I grip his hand. “Please, just let me leave, Luke. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

I rise from the bed, keeping my hand tight against his and resting my other on his shoulder. “Brad, please don’t go. Please don’t shut down.”

He refuses to look at me. This is less like the guy I’ve come to know and more like a child trying to avoid his asshole dad’s cruel gaze.

“Please look at me, Brad,” I whisper because I want him to see how I’m really looking at him, without the judgment he fears.

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