Page 111 of The Sun and Her Star

“I hate feeling so insecure. You’ve always treated me like I walked on water. You look at me like I’m a sorceress who can command the oceans. You call me Sunshine.”

“You are. For me, you put the sun to shame, Apollo,” I tell her. I don’t understand how she can’t see that.

She grits her teeth in exasperation. “I’m just a girl!” she exclaims. “Who fell off a cliff and met this extraordinary human being and forced him to be my friend.”

“You didn’t. I looked at you, and I could see a future …” I tell her as I gaze into those universes that see everything.

She looks down sharply and then looks back up, her expression more determined than anything else.

“I don’t want to share you. I hate that everyone else wants you as much as I do,” she says. “You chose that life over the one we planned. There’s a part of me that’s afraid … I guess that maybe it’ll happen again.”

I grip her shoulders and stare down into her face. “Listen to me. I have never chosenanythingover you. You are all I want. I will never stop showing you that. As long as I draw breath.” Disappointment makes my voice gruff. “But maybe, I’m pushing too hard. Taking too much for granted.”

Fuck. This is not what I expected tonight.

“This event tomorrow … if you don’t want to come, I’ll understand.”

She rears back like I slapped her. “What? You don’t want me to come?” She pulls her hands out of mine and stares at me.

“I do,” I explain. What a fucking mess I’m making. “But only if you want to. You’re still doing your thing with Lucas, right? I don’t know …” I hang my head and try to find the right words. “If you want time … I can give it to you.”

These are not the words I want to be saying, but I don’t want to mislead her. Not again. “I get it; it’s fucking hard living my life. New Yorkers are tame compared to the rest of the world. I’m not saying you need to decide right now. If things are like this between us—”

“Are you saying you don’t want …” She pauses to swallow. “…meanymore?”

I cup my jaw. “Not possible. For better or for worse, we are … We’re us,” I say solemnly.

It’s the only word that fits. We’re not anything that’s ever existed before. Two stars. One only shines when surrounded by darkness. The other shines bright no matter what.

I gaze into her eyes, and … oh, how I wish I was fucking her. I want to tell her, “You’ve never shared me.Youconsume me. You motivate me. You, and you aloneseeme.” But those words, they’re paltry. They meannothing.I need to show her.

I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand and run my fingers down her neck, trace that comet shaped spray of freckles on her neck, and place my thumb on the pulse point in her neck. I search her eyes, let her see the one thing that is an absolute truth.

“I will never stop wanting you. Never. And if I have to, I’ll chase you for the rest of my life. I just … don’t want you to feel pressured. If you’re still unsure …” I sit back on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I’m fucking exhausted. But, I’ve got to sort things out with Nanette once and for all.

I’ve been working like crazy trying to pretend to be a normal every day guy. But, I’m not anymore, and I have a shit ton of work to do. And I’m gearing up to get ready to go back to school.

I’msofucking tired.

“I understand,” she says in a voice devoid of all emotion.

I hate putting that disappointment in her voice. I want to kneel in front of her and beg her to come.

“This didn’t go quite as I planned.” I try to add a laugh, but it’s tired and lame. Just like me.

“I’m sorry.” She bites her lip guiltily.

Guilt is the last thing I want her to feel when she thinks about me.

“No, never apologize to me for how you’re feeling, Sunshine.” I lean down and press a kiss to the top of her bowed head. “Your name is at the door, you can bring up to five guests. If you’re not up to it, I promise, I’ll understand. I’m leaving for LA right afterward, so if you don’t come, I’ll see you when I get back next week.”

“You’re going to LA?” She sits up suddenly.

“Yeah, last minute business meeting and stuff with the show,” I tell her.

“Oh, okay.” She nods.

“I’ll see you?” I ask, deliberately not defining when that may be.

---