Page 72 of The Sun and Her Star

“Shhhhhh!” The woman in front of us turns around and glares at us.

“Sorry,” Reena says and mimics zipping her lip and turning back to face the stage.

I look back at the man she was talking about. It’s Lucas. My boyfriend of all of two weeks. He’s leaning on the doorframe, head bent to his phone.

He’s from New York. From a family of artists. His mother is a very successful photographer, and his father is a painter. Lucas is an Investment Banker. He looks the part. His dark hair is parted on the side and slicked down in a style that reminds me of Clark Kent. His tall, lanky frame is draped in a dark blue, three-piece pinstripe that he just ordered from his tailor on Saville Row. I still don’t know how I ended up with him.

From the night I met him at a bar near my halls of residence, he made it very clear he’s interested in me. I’d been in London for a few days. He was sexy.

I was flattered.

I went home with him.

He was nice, and I was lonely. After our first time together, he asked if he could take me out. I said yes. Even though kissing him hadn’t been particularly exciting. At least not compared to what I’d felt when I kissed Graham.

But he had other qualities. The most important one being that he actually wanted to be with me.

He can be very kind, too.

One night I was frantically trying to finish a paper, and my computer crashed. Lucas was the first person I called. I knew he’d answer and I knew he’d be there.

He came over, brought food and his laptop and helped me move my paper from my computer and onto his and stayed up with me all night until I was done.

When he kissed me that night, I reminded myself how unfair it was to compare Lucas to something he could never be.

He was kind and present when I desperately needed it. I wanted to be physically close to someone. I wanted to experience being part of a couple. He’s really nice to me, and I guess I’m attracted to him. I have no reason to end things with him, so we’ve stayed together.

On the days where I can’t push Graham away, I’m very aware that kissing Lucas feels like settling. I question my choices. I wonder if I overreacted. And, the only person I can think of to call when I feel that way is Graham.

I wouldn’t know what to say after all this time. After that disastrous morning at his place. I went back to Las Vegas and threw myself into getting the credits I needed to apply for this Master’s program.

I ignored his calls. It had been easy. I was angry and hurt. After a couple of weeks had gone by, the anger didn’t feel so raw and consuming. The hurt had lost some of its bite.

By the time I was done listening, I was hysterical.

“Apollo. I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry for not being everything you need right now. But don’t let that mean you won’t let me be anything you won’t need. Because I need you. I know I don’t have that right. I know it’s not fair. But I’ll never stop needing you. I can’t. You’re a part of me. My own little angel, sent into my life to make it better. Please call me. Let’s talk. I’m just asking for time.”

His tone was so calm. As if what he was saying was reasonable and notutterlystrange and intentionally vague.

But, I’m not stupid. There’s very little that gets past me. He gave me enough clues to understand what he’s saying.

He wants more time withher.

My heart broke all over again. I didn’t get out of bed the next day. When Tante Isabel and my cousin Josh came to visit Maman, they found me in bed, too.

When she walked into my bedroom, her face a mask of concern, I burst into tears and sobbed my heart out.

I told her everything. She knew Graham, of course. But she had only seen him once since that first summer, and I had never told her how I felt about him.

After she listened to me cry, she told me I couldn’t let a silly boy ruin this experience for me. She made me shower, get dressed and put on makeup and took me to dinner. She told me to take this two years of my program as a complete detox from my life. My mother only ranted about men and how all they do is cheat on you and then leave you when they’re done using you. I couldn’t even talk to her. And I was sick of waiting for her to feel better. I was sick of putting my life on hold for other people. I wanted to live, to go and do the things that I’d dreamed about. My heart was broken, but I wasn’t dead. She and Josh spent a week cheering me up, and by the time they left, I knew I’d be okay.

Tante Isabel had been my rock, and she encouraged me to walk away from the money and promised to help me. I was scared at first, but she kept her word. She helped me every step of the way. She even moved Maman to Arizona. I felt so guilty about leaving her. But Isabel said it was overdue.

When I got on the plane to London, it was with a determination to treat it like a fresh start.

I never called Graham back. When I got to London, I turned my American phone off, got a local one and gave the number to Tante Isabel, Maman, and my cousin Josh. They were all I had left.

Now, I have Lucas. Or at least, I think I do.

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