Page 41 of Between Now and Always

The crowd is on their feet as I walk out onto the stage. My heart is racing and I scan the crowd for my touchstone and smile when I see Joe beaming with pride at our table. I smile at him and he nods and places one of his gnarled hands over his heart.

I glance down, ready to start my speech. I skim the first couple of lines while the crowd settles.

God, can I really do this?

Yes, I can.

I adjust the microphone and look out at the now expectant crowd. My heart is thudding so hard that my throat feels like it’s quaking. I’m so scared. But, I know that this the only way I can break free.

“Good evening, everyone. First, I want to thank Upward for this incredible honor. I dedicate it to the people whose shoulders I stand on. It’s because of them that I can see so far.” My nerves are still running high and so I take a second to find Joe in the crowd. He smiles encouragement at me.

“When I started painting the portraits that have captured so many imaginations, I didn’t think that anyone would even see them. I certainly never thought I’d stand on a stage in front of a room full of people who wanted to thank me for painting them. I’ll be honest and tell you that when I found out that I was being given this award, I wasn’t sure I was ready to make my public debut.

“Not because I don’t believe in my art, I do. I paint with purpose. Every stroke carries a part of my heart that I want to share. But because I was afraid you’d be disappointed by the human being behind the work. I’m no visionary and contrary to the paintings I share of myself online, I don’treallyhave wings.” I turn my back as if to show them.

A ripple of laughter runs through the room and I relax a little as the room warms up.

“I’m just someone who’s been able to get back up after every fall. I’ve gathered up the broken pieces and put them back together. I’ve tried again, countless times. It was only as I was thinking about what I’d say tonight that I realized how remarkablethatis. Cause, I’ve had a few crash landings. My brother told me I was born with this irrepressible hunger formore. He’d say it like it was a good thing. I thought of it as a curse. I wanted things that were so far out of my reach, that I didn’t even bother trying.” I admit and think of how I’d let myself be a prisoner in my grandmother’s house. That will never happen to me again.

“One of the questions the lady from the foundation asked me was why I didn’t show my face. I told her it was because what I look like isn’t important. But that’s only part of the answer. The truth is, I wasn’t sure people would respond to my art the same way if they could actually see me.”

I cringe as a few nervous laughs come from the crowd. “I know, I know. I’ve built a movement that encourages women to take pride in their inner beauty,” I say as if I’m commiserating with them. “But, I’m a work in progress. I’ve spent the last few months dismantling a mindset that was built over the course of a lifetime by very skilled and determined architects. I was taught that my value was rooted in how close I came to the standards of beauty that we see on TV, in movies, in film, online. I wasn’t anything close to that, and because my father said so, I’ve spent my whole life thinking I was nothing.

“I acceptedgood enoughbecause I thought that was my due. A father who didn’t love me was better than no family at all. A prison was better than having no shelter from the rain.”

I smile brightly at the crowd.

“And then, I met someone who looked at me and somehow saw the beauty that I carried inside. It was that simple. I got a glimpse of what a full life might be like. He showed me what family, love, joy, and freedom felt like. If the random order of birth had put me in a cage, his love was the key fashioned to fit its lock.”

“The power of a new perspective changed my life. Six months ago, I walked away from a secure future because I knew it would kill me slowly. The future I chose instead was full of curves and shadowed valleys, but populated with dreams I was willing to die for. And you know what I found, ya’ll? All of those times I’d fallen before? They weren’tmanifest destiny. They were preparation. I got up stronger, smarter, less afraid of everything. So that when I was finally free, I could see the truth of things. I wasn’t born to endure, orbreak, I was born to fly.”

A loud round of applause break out, and they give me the courage to finish as I planned.

“So, I’m going to take another leap here with you tonight and practice what I preach, not just online, but in person. There isn’t one definition of beauty - there are seven billion. I’m honored to be able to stand before you and show you mine.”

I close my eyes, take a deep, steadying breath. Without letting that breath loose, I reach up to pull my wig off.

The crowd gasps, but I block it out.

I reach into the tiny clutch purse I carried on stage with me and pull out the make-up removing wipes inside. I start with the left side of my face and wipe my make up off. A hush falls over the crowd.

“Here’s the truth of me. This is what I look like, but it’snotwho I am.” I stand barefaced in front of them.

“Yessss, Queen,” male voice calls out, but otherwise, no one makes a sound.

But I know they’re with me. They asked me here in celebration and elevation of the mission that I’ve claimed as my own.

“I am living proof that no matter where you come from, or what lies you’ve been told about yourself, no one is in charge of your future but you,” I point at them.

The audience erupts cheers and my heart soars, as does my voice.

“No matter what you’ve done or what mistakes you’ve made, you’ve got something beautiful inside of you that’s worth knowing. It’s my mission to shed light on the dark places where beautiful things are hidden.” I smile out at the faceless sea of people whose energy is carrying me right now.

“I know that seeing a different version of yourself and your life can change the entire trajectory of your life. What I paint is a reflection ofyourdreams. I send them to my subjects in the hope that seeing their dreams staring back at them will give them wings. The sky isn’t the limit. It’s part of the scenery in the vast universe you hold dominion over. I’m not saying you won’t stumble and fall flat on your ass. You absolutely will. I’m saying it’s not the petals that make a rose a rose. The essence of it comes from the dark unknowable depths where its roots make their home. In closing, I want you all to know that in my eyes, you areglorious.You are not here by mistake. Declare it, own it, and watch the world bend to your will.”

I’m done, and I feel like I’ve run a marathon.

The room is silent and as it stretches, I start to worry that maybe I got carried away.

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