Page 86 of Between Now and Always

The hotel is a quick ride to the train station and I find myself momentarily sidetracked by the majestic view of the Swiss Alps and the beautiful, clean, modern city as we whiz through traffic.

We step into a lobby full of dripping chandeliers, magnificent flowers arrangements, gleaming marble floors, duck egg blue pillars lavishly trimmed in gold gilt. We pass the hotel restaurant where I’ll be meeting my mother and my stomach clenches.

By the time we’ve made it our room, the beautiful surroundings have receded to a fuzzy background for my thoughts about our impending reunion.

Will we hug, or shake hands? Is she coming alone or bringing her husband? What if she doesn’t come at all.

Carter seems to not have a care in the world. He listens intently as the concierge shows us around our suite, laughing or expressing his awe as the young woman regales us with the history of the hotel. The room is beautiful, even more opulent than our room in Paris. I can’t enjoy any of it. In fact, I think I’m going to be sick.

“I’m going to shower,” I tell them before I walk into the bathroom. I shut the door, sit on the toilet, and try not to hyperventilate.

The quick, perfunctory knock is the only warning I have before Carter walks in.

“I’m okay,” I say, staring at the white knuckles of my linked hands.

“Hey, why are you hiding from me?” He drops to his haunches his hands gripping mine and pulling them apart. He holds them in his, like he’s trying to warm them. I stare at them until they blur from my tears. A hot trail of them runs down my cheeks and drops onto his hand.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I say gulping air and trying to make my throat work so I can swallow the lump in it.

“Look at me, baby,” he says in a firm voice. I raise my head and look into his loving eyes.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. She’s your mother. But, she’s not. You love her. But, you don’t. She’s a huge piece of the puzzle that you’re trying to solve. But you’re afraid to see what the entire thing looks like. If you weren’t messed up by it, I’d be worried. This is normal. Just remember that you know who are you. Whatever she has to say, won’t change a single thing about you.”

Hearing him articulate my fears and hopes so co clearly is just what I needed. A small knot of my anxiety loosens. I’m not doing this alone. This man, who loves me, is here.

I look into his eyes, the green anchors of my happiness and remind myself that this is my future. My nerves don’t disappear, but they ease and I lean against him, accepting the strength he’s offering.

“Okay,” I say, and this time I feel it.

He’s right. No matter what she says, what’s between us won’t change. He kisses me and I feel the solemnity of our covenant in the reverent caress.

I draw from his strength and give him mine. This love is like a torch in the dark. It didn’t save me, but it gave me the light I needed to find my own way. I’ll never be sightless again.

When I’m finally ready to head down, doubt flares one more time and I grab Carter’s hand and give myself a final pep talk.

“I want to know the truth and I want to find out on my own terms. And not wait for someone else to pull my chain or use it against. All this has taught me that lies and secrets never stay hidden. So, this is good, right?”

His eyes flicker with something like fear, but it’s so quick that I’m not sure I didn’t imagine it.

Before I can ask, his lips curve into a reassuring smile. “It’s very good, and you’re ready.”

New Beginning

BETH

I spot my mother before she sees me. She’s sitting in front of one of the large windows that line the iconicLe Bar de Bergues, gazing out at the amazing view.

From here, she looks like she doesn’t have a care in the world. As I get closer I can see that her hair isn’t pulled back, but cut short like mine used to be. Otherwise, she hasn’t changed at all. She’s the same stunning beauty as she’s always been.

I approach our table and clear my throat

“J’attend ma fille, merci,” she says without looking away from the window. I don’t know what that means, but I know she doesn’t realize it’s me she’s talking to.

“Mother?”

She lets out a startled gasp and turns to look at me. Her hand is at her throat, her eyes are wide with surprise. Her expression goes from surprise to unadulterated joy. She stands, her smile growing as she circles the table, her arms outstretched. She hugs me without saying a word.

Surprise freezes me for a second and then, I return her hug. It’s been at least ten years since we embraced. I close my eyes and try to recall if this was how she used to smell. But, I can’t and even though it’s not uncomfortable, it’s not intimate either. It’s like hugging an acquaintance.

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