Page 85 of Between Now and Always

Abruptly, he lets go of me. He finishes taking off his clothes and walks into the bedroom without another word. I follow him in and watch him sitting on the edge of the bed. His head hangs between his shoulders, his hands dangle between his knees.

My worry grows and I walk over to him, start to touch him and then hesitate when his body tenses at my approach.

“Are you sure that’s all?” I make my voice as gentle as I can because it’s clear something is. I don’t miss the way his body tenses when I reach out to touch him. I draw my hand back.

He sighs, his eyes still glued to the floor. “Yeah… I’m really tired. I couldn’t sleep, turned on the TV and saw the news. I went for a run, just wanted to clear my head.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I ask, surprised and hurt that he didn’t.

“You were sound asleep. I didn’t want to disturb you.” He closes his eyes “Ugh, I have fucking headache.” He groans and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Just, come here,” He looks up, his eyes are so tired, the dark circles beneath them but they’re also full of pleading that I climb into his lap

He sighs in relief, closing me in his arms and resting his head on my shoulder and running a hand up and down my back, toying with the necklace he put there. The tension in his body eases, but it seeps into me, and expands.

“This is all I need. Just, you…” he says,

His words only heighten my worry.

“Tell me what’s wrong, baby,” I beg.

He shakes his head, “I’ve told you. And now, I want to shower and go back to bed with you next to me. I’m exhausted.”

There are dark circles under his eyes that testify to his words. But when he cups my cheek and presses a kiss to my lips, for the first time I ever, I taste distance.

I search his eyes and can see regret and something else that I can’t read, but don’t like. There’s something he’s not telling me, but I don’t want to force it out of him. I have to trust that if and when he needs to talk about it, he will. It’s clear that’s not happening now.

“Sure, we can do that.” I stroke his jaw and press a kiss to his forehead before I slide off his lap. He walks into the bathroom and I sit and stew.

My phone buzzes with a text from Phil. It’s my mother’s number.

I force my worry about Carter to the side and collect my thoughts. And then, I call my mother.

You Love Her. But You Don’t.

BETH

“We’re here, baby.” Carter nuzzles the side of my head. Reluctantly, I open my eyes.

“Already?” I ask, groggy from the fitful sleep that plagued me the whole journey.

I closed my eyes as soon as the train departed Paris - forgoing the chance to watch the scenery go by. I wasn’t looking forward to the journey and had a knot of dread in my gut that swelled with foreboding that’s plagued me since I spoke to my mother. I need answers to the questions that have plagued me since our DNA test results came back. Answers only she can give me. I’m prepared for whatever truth she has to say. But my feelings about her are confusing and volatile.

We’re pulling into the station and I eye the open air platform.

“Hey, are you okay?” Carter prods and squeezes my hand. He’s been holding it the whole way and I lace my fingers tighter into his and nod without looking at him.

He didn’t blink when I asked if we could delay our return to New York to see her. In fact, it shook him out of the funk he’d been in since he found out about the property.

We’re meeting at a hotel rather than her home. We’re only here for one night. I asked for the meeting to be there rather than her house because it was convenient and she agreed.

“You know we don’t have to do this. We can get off and take the next train back to Paris.”

I shake my head, trying to clear it of the anxiety that’s trapping my thoughts in a viscous web and turn to him, a smile that’s more optimistic than I feel plastered on my face.

“No, get it over with and go home, okay?” I glance at my watch and gasp.

“Shoot, she’ll be at the hotel in an hour. I want to shower and freshen up first,” I say and he nods, his expression still worried, but he returns my smile and stands up to pull the small carryon we’re sharing from above our heads.

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