Page 61 of Between Now and Always

She pulls me into a hug and I let my head fall to her shoulder with a weary sigh. It’s so good to not be alone.

“I’m sorry honey. Do you want to leave?” She asks, in that soothing way.

I’m so tempted to say yes. But if I leave with things like this, it will make everything so much harder. I take in a deep fortifying breath before I sit up straight.

“No, I’m fine. He’s out of my system.”

She leans in, and presses her lips to my ear.

“I see. Is that why you got each other off just now? Because he’s out of your system?”

I lurch away.

“You watched?” I ask in horrified accusation.

She shrugs, zero apology on her face

“Not the whole time, but from where I was sitting I had a good view.”

“Porsha, oh my God.” I cover my face with my hands

“Chill, I looked away once I realized what was going on. I’m not judging you,” she says and squeezes my hand reassuringly.

But my misery is compounded by her compassion. Judgement would at least help me make sense of my muddled emotions.

“This issohard. But it was harder living without him. And it’s not just him, it’s the family, too. I don’t want to lose them, too.”

Penn and Joe are sitting with their heads bent in deep conversation when we walk back out.

“You okay, kiddo?” Joe asks.

“Yes,” I smile gratefully at him and then look to Penn.

Her eyes are on the stairs, Carter and Jack’s voices carry down to us and it’s clear they’re arguing. She wrings her hands.

“Penn, I’m sorry if I’ve made things uncomfortable.”

She turns to look at me, surprise widening her bright blue eyes and shakes her head.

“No. You didn’t. I’m sorry that all of this is happening. It’s not your fault. Either of you…I know it must feel so…weird,” she says.

I consider her words.“No…it’s not. I know itshouldbe…but that’s not how I’d describe the way I feel. It’s difficult, but everything worth something is. I’m happy to be with you all. To be with Carter. I don’t know how I’ll feel in a month from now, but right now, I’m okay. And I’m an open book, I have nothing to hide. If you want to ask me something, I’ll tell you.”

“Are you still in love with him?” She asks immediately, as if it’s been on the tip of her tongue.

I stare at my feet, trying to decide how I’ll answer. The truth is practically blasphemy. But after spending the whole day with them, I know that these people care about me. Whatever is going on with me and Carter, they’re a part of my life, too.

I look around the room, at the family I’ve always wanted. I can’t lie to them to save my life.

So, I nod.

When Penn covers her face, I have a flash of fear that she’s going to ask me to leave.

Instead, she gets up and comes over to me, and puts her arms around me and holds me.

“It’s going to be okay. We’re your family now, too. And you don’t ever have to be alone again. We will never hurt you. We won’t ever lie to you. And we won’t ever turn our backs on you.”

She pulls back, cups my now wet cheeks in her warm loving hands and looks me in the eye. “Not foranyreason,” she says meaningfully and my heart jumps at the implication of her words and expression.

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