Page 60 of Between Now and Always

I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my whole life.

This road will lead me straight to a hell I won’t survive. It’s going to hurt. But I already know that pain is an excellent teacher. It succeeded in teaching me lessons that common sense, moral compasses, and love all failed to.

I know what I have to do.

“In every way I can, I love you. But, I can’t live like this…I don’t think we should see each other again,” I say before I stand and walk away.

Free Fall

BETH

My eyes open in time to see Carter shove to his feet and stalk out of the room. If his anger wasn’t clear from his clench jaw, and the curled fists at his side, the slam of the door behind him makes it clear.

I sit there, my feet firmly on the ground but inside, I’m in a free fall. Not because I’m confused about what just happened. But because of the way Carter responded.

I know he’s scared and hurt. Because I am, too. I’ve learned the hard way what happens when I let my fear decide, so I came here despite being afraid because I wanted totry.

He’s got the right to decide that this is not for him. As excruciating as that would be, I wouldn’t hold it against him. But his careless, unilateral pronouncement that our friendship is over leaves me cold and angry.

Whatever the nature of our relationship, I need to be able to trust him. And what he just did, the way he didn’t even stop to consider my feelings, tells me I can’t.

The door to the balcony opens and a gust of frigid air rushes into the room, startling me back to the present. In the disastrous aftermath of our illicit act, I’d forgotten where I was.

I swipe my tear stained face with the back of my hand and try to smile at Jack and Porsha when they come back in.

Jack raises an eyebrow at my failed attempt to hide my despair, and looks around the room, frowning. “Where’s Carter?” he asks.

“Upstairs, I think,” I say my voice tight with tension as I wait for him to make a snide remark. He doesn’t say anything. He glances at Porsha and clears his throat uncomfortably.

“Okay, uh, well, I’ll uh, go see him.”

The thundering of footsteps on the stairs has us turning in unison.

Carter is coming back, but not to join us. He’s got a navy blue, wool winter coat on, and he’s slipping a matching skull cap on.

Penn and Joe come back at the same time.

“I’m to the studio for a bit. Just to clear my head,” he says looking only at his mother.

“Carter, come on. Whatever it is…” Penn says.

“Mom, I’ve got to go,” he says, now not looking at anyone. He’s staring at the window, the muscle in his jaw working.

She sighs wearily. “Jack, will you go with him—“

“I’m not going to drink and I don’t need a babysitter,” he snaps and then closes his eyes, gathering his composure.

When he opens them, the anger is gone and there’s just misery.

“I’m so sorry. I am,” he says and then he turns and heads to the elevator.

Mercifully it opens immediately, and he steps on, and doesn’t turn around. Right before the doors close on him, I see his head drop and wish I could go after him.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I say and walk down the hall before anyone can respond.

I splash water on my face, and then stare at myself. What is wrong with me.

A sharp knock on the door is the only warning I have before Porsha walks in.

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