Page 6 of Between Now and Always

It’s small of me, but the thing about that first phone that bothered me the most, was how nearly cheerful he sounded.

I guess, he had no reason not to be.

He’s not the one who fell in love with Liz.

The one who was still in love with Liz.

Not for long, though. I’ve come to slay this dragon.

When I leave here, I’m going to LA to start the promo for our album’s release in three months. It’s going to be exhausting, overwhelming and I want to leave all of this shit behind me.

Ineedto see this.

Music has become even more of a sanctuary for me. When I’m writing, playing, singing, my mind is clear, my heart isn’t constricted by indecision. My music is I’ve stayed sane and relatively sober since the world fell out from beneath me.

It was rough at first.

Jack convinced me that fucking someone would cure me.

So, I tried. I found a girl who looked like Beth, at least from the back. I took her home, fucked her face down and tried to pretend she was my baby. But from the feel of her pussy to the way she smelled, there was no pretending she was anything more than a replacement. I hustled her out of there. And then I fucking cried in the shower.

No, Beth wasn’t just a woman I loved fucking. She owned a piece of my heart, and always would.

So, once I came to terms with that, I decided to focus on the other thing I loved, music.

My band, Blue Clover, was put together by the label. They wanted undiscovered talent and they found it using open call auditions. I thought it was like trying to shoot fish in a barrel, but the talent they put together couldn’t have been a better fit.

I’m the main song writer, lead singer and pianist. Dane is our drummer. Heath is our guitarist and Lucas is on bass.

In the process of writing this album, we laughed, we cried, and went a little crazy, but the end result was some of the most beautiful and heartbreaking music we’d ever heard. I laid my burden down and left everything on the pages of composition sheets I filled with my love story.

Best of all, the label loved it.

Things were starting to feel normal. I had entire days where Beth only came to me in my dreams.

Until last month when Phil changed his tactics. Instead of calling, he sent a text from a number I didn’t recognize. It was a picture of her wedding invitation with three words, “FYI”

Whoever or whatever is in charge of this mysterious world is a fucking sadist. Because that’s all it took to send me back into the hell I’d finally started to escape.

The one where everyone and everything reminded me of her.

The one where I make myself come in the shower to the memories of fucking her and eating her and then spend the day choking on my self-loathing.

The one where I still remember how she tastes and what an addict I am for it.

Then one where I would find myself wishing I’d never met her and then snatching the thought back, feverishly. Just the thought of a world where she doesn’t exist makes it hard to breathe.

I miss the way she winked every time our eyes met across the room.

I miss the way she pressed her nose to my throat and inhaled every time we hugged. I miss the way she licked my lip at the start of our kisses.

I miss our arguments, her laugh, her stubbornness, her magic.

Ourmagic that we used to spin ourselves a cocoon of inspiration, lust, and love.

I’m consumed by thoughts of her and it’s ruining my life.

I haven’t been able to write, or play.

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