Page 51 of Between Now and Always

Even worse is, that however uncertain I am about his feelings, there’s no ambiguity about howIfeel. I’m not even close to being over him.

And my body isn’t it, either. That kiss we’d come so close to sharing has reignited the rapacious longing that consumed me the summer we fell in love.

I’ve been touching myself constantly. I’m always wet, always hot, always hungry and now I’m about to be in close proximity with him.

Can I hug him in front of them without feeling self -conscious?

Does he have someone in his life who’s coming for dinner?

If we are going to be friends, what happens when the inevitable happens and he starts dating?

He’s a star now, and he’s only going to get bigger. No matter how he feels about me, at some point he’ll move on. I can’t say for certain that I won’t either. Even though right now, it’s the remotest possibility I can imagine.

“You seem nervous,” Porsha whispers as we pull up to the building.

My heart is alternating between racing and stuttering and I can barely speak. I’ve been trying to hide it because I don’t want Joe to know. She’s the only person I’ve told the truth about Carter and I don’t want to have to explain to anyone else.

I roll my shoulders to try and dispel some of the tension that’s building. “I’m fine, just tired.”

“She’s nervous cause she’s got a crush on that boy, and she’s about to see his whole family,” Joe quips and my stomach pitches.

“No, he’s just my friend,” I protest, my heart racing again.

He waggles his eyebrows and smiles. “Look, I’m notthatold. And you ain’t got nothing to be nervous about, he cause he likes you, too.”

“No, It’s not like that. And I don’t want you to say that out loud in there, please.”

Joe’s eyes widen slightly at my vehemence. He shoots a quick, puzzled glance at Porsha and just nods.

The driver pulls open the door and he slides out.

“Maybe, he’ll have a date and you won’t have a choice but to keep your distance,” Porsha says unhelpfully and I whip around to glare at her again.

She raises her eyebrows in a show of innocence, but her eyes twinkle with mischief.

My scowl deepens.

She relents with a sigh, and reaches for my hand. Her expression is solemn. “I’d be scared shitless if I were you, I mean, this is a fucked up situation,” she says.

“Gee, thanks. That’s so reassuring,” I try to tug my hand free and she holds on tighter.

“Let me finish. The fact that you came today is something you should be proud of. You’re the bravest person I know. I’m not even close to being able to face my fears this way. But whatever happens, you’re not alone. I’m here. Joe’s here. We’ve got you. Okay?”

I relax a little and nod. “Thank you. You’re the best.”

She winks. “I know, I’m fabulous.” She gives her head a toss and laughs.

“Are you two coming? It’s freezing.” Joe sticks his head back in the car and we slide out to join him.

The short ride up to Penn’s loft feels like the longest minute of my life.

The door open into her home and we’re greeted by Christmas music blaring, the smells of delicious food cooking, and Penn’s broad smile.

As soon as I see her, she sweeps me into a hug so warm that my nerves settle.

“I’m so happy you’re here, Beth. We’ve missed you,” she whispers and then I almost sag with relief. I want to cry, but I bite them back because I’m afraid if I start, I won’t stop. I squeeze her back and then make introductions.

“These are my dear friends, Joe Freeman and Porsha Tagoe. Guys, this is Penn Bosh, Carter’s mom.”

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