Page 28 of Between Now and Always

Porsha works a lot. So I was always alone, at first anyway. I met him outside our building. A cab was dropping him off and I rushed to help him when I saw him struggling to get out.

He had a cast from his ankle to the middle of his thigh and crutches. I helped him into the building and he explained he’d just had a knee replacement surgery. It broke my heart to see him coming home all alone after something like that. I started checking on him a couple times a day.

When he complained about the grocery delivery service getting his order wrong, I took his list with me next time I went.

Somewhere between that and now, we became each other’s family. It was like we scented the loneliness in each other. Mine was by choice, his…I couldn’t tell exactly. He’s divorced and his wife and kid lived in Delaware. He’s talked about the kid coming to visit every weekend since I’ve known him, but it’s never happened.

He’s not quite old enough to be my father, but he hasn’t let that stop him from stepping into that role. He takes care of me because he can’t take care of his own kid.

I press a kiss to his one of his smooth dark brown cheeks.

“Okay, I gotta go, or I’ll be late,” I say and turn to hustle up the stairs before he can stop me again.

“The guys who sings that song you love, they made a video. Dropped it as a surprise - part of their tour announcement. They were on good morning America today and I caught it.”

My swallow is audible and I clear my throat to disguise that it’s a because I’m nervous. I haven’t told Joe about Carter. I can’t. I don’t think he’d understand.

“Blue Clover…saw them on Good Day New York just now. That lead singer looks a lot like that one man you’re always sketching,” he says knowingly.

I turn and start back up the stairs. “Hmmm, that’s a coincidence. But I know the song you mean. I do love it I didn’t know there was a video,” I say with a casual smile.

“The video is real interesting…” he drawls and leans against the doorframe of his apartment, a knowing smile on his face. I ignore it.

Porsha teased me about Carter in front of him last week. He hasn’t asked, but he’s been dropping hints like this ever since.

I keep pretending not to notice. Telling Porsha had been good in some ways, but in others…it had been the reliving of a painful past I was desperate to leave behind.

Not that I have much of a choice. He’s gotten on with his life. He’s famous. Like…reallyfamous.He’s been linked to a few women, but I try my best to ignore that news and have resigned myself to wishing him well from afar.

And talking about this with Joe..holds zero appeal for me.

“Okay, I really gotta go. I’ll catch you later,” I call over my shoulder and run up the stairs as fast as my feet will carry me.

I didn’treallyforget about the video going live today.

I couldn’t. Blue Clover is my secret obsession. I listen to that song on repeat all day at work. I watch all their interviews and I’ve been watching the YouTube highlights from their release tour.

He’swhy I’m rushing today. I watched the clock all day, counting down the seconds until I could come home. I wanted to be alone the first time I watched it. Just in case I needed to cry or scream… or any other overreaction that I wouldn’t want anyone else to see.

I shoulder open the door of our apartment and even though I’m in a rush, I take a second to savor the slightly irrational swell of pride that I feel every time I come home.

It’s beautiful - with big windows that let in light all day long. I slip my shoes off before I step off the mat at our front door and drop them on the small rack I bought just last week. The newly renovated with honey blonde laminate wood floors are warm from the sun’s attention and still smell of the lemon cleaner I mix myself. Because I don’t pay rent or spend time with the man who does, cleaning is how I contribute. I love knowing that the sparkle in those windows wouldn’t be as brilliant if I didn’t put it there.

“Porsha?” I’m pretty sure she not home, but I listen for sounds from her bedroom and the bathroom we share before I walk any further.

She’s got an on again, off again “friend” with benefits who sometimes stays over. He’s walked out of the bathroom stark naked more than – to our mutual mortification. So, I’ve learned to give him fair warning when he’s not alone - for both of our sakes.

I drop my keys and the bag of groceries onto the stone countertop that more than pulls its weight by serving as as our dining table, cooking prep space, and Porsha’s desk. When I finally close my bedroom door, my heart is beating out of my chest.

I walk over to my bed, pull my phone out of my backpack and sit down.

I don’t know why I’m dragging this out, I’ve been waiting for this all day. But I know there will only be one first time that I get to see his first music video and I’m bursting with so many emotions.

Pride, mainly. Because the whole world is singing his song -oursong, and it’s glorious.

My hands shake as I open my YouTube app and type in Blue Clover - Between Now and Heartbreak.

The thudding of my heart has turned into a drumbeat that reverberates through my entire body and my thumb trembles in time to it before it finally lands on the play button.

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