Page 19 of Between Now and Always

CARTER

Before I read her letter, I shower and shave for the first time in three days.

When I’m dressed, I sit down at my desk and slide my finger under the flap of the envelope and pull out the handwritten letter inside.

Carter,

Hi, how are you? I’m sorry we haven’t been in touch at all since everything that happened at the end of last summer. You know I’m not good with words like you, but I wanted to say a few things and I wasn’t sure if you’d take my call. And…I’m not sure I’m ready to make a call, either.

I was supposed to get married today. I didn’t. Right before the ceremony, I found out that Duke was responsible for James being out that night. He called him and told him I was hurt and needed him to come get me. I don’t know why he did. But finding out was like divine intervention. No matter what I want for my sister, there is no way I could let Duke benefit from what he did.

So, instead of becoming his show wife, I’m leaving Winsome. I’m not sure where I’m going to end up, but I’m excited to be out in the world on my own.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I don’t regret a single second of our time together. Not even what happened in the church. Meeting you filled holes life started drilling into me as a little girl. You looked at me and saw me in a way that no one else ever had. Except me. It’s because of the time I spent with you that I even think I can do this. That’s a gift that’s going to last me a lifetime.

I’m going in search of the thing I’ve always longed for— freedom. I know everything I don’t want. I’d like to find out what I’d choose when I only have myself to consider.

At least I already know that when it comes to men, I’m an excellent judge of character. Because when I had the freedom to choose one, I picked the best person I’ve ever met - you.

Even now when it’s been so long, you’re still everything to me. I miss you. Your love is the most valuable gift I’ve ever received and I don’t want to give it back. I hope that one day, we’ll find a way to be in each other’s lives.

Right now, though, I’m not ready to be everything else we are without the thing that’s at our core…I know you understand.

I’ll be listening for the beautiful music I know you’re going to make. I hope you’re happy. I hope you have a lot of love in your life, and that you’re not settling for anything less than the amazing things you deserve.

You restored my faith in people, in men, and in myself.

I love you in every way it’s possible to love someone,

Beth

My heart breaks and mends with every sentence.

By the time I’m done, I’m not sure if I want to laugh, cry, or howl at the moon. Holding this letter, reading the words that she wrote to me, imbued with all of her love and wisdom and honesty only sharpens the longing I’ve nursed since I walked out of that church.

She didn’t marry him.

I’ve imagined her signing her name with his last name at the end.

I’ve made myself sick with dread thinking of them alone in a house together, with nothing between her and the spiteful glee he gave me a glimpse of that night.

I scan the letter again and stop when I get to the part about Duke’s role in her brother’s death. It’s tinder for the craving I fight with every day. I plagued with a need to make Duke Tremaine suffer.

I soothe the sharpest growl of it by working obsessively. When I’m done with work, I spend two hours in the gym working out the remnants of my aggression.

But, that was just when I only had my imagination and memories for fuel. Now that Iknowwhat he’s done, the workouts and studio time aren’t going to cut it.

I need to do something more. Not that I would pass up an opportunity to get him one on one, but physical retribution wouldn’t be enough. I want him to suffer, what for a man like him, would be insufferable. I want him to have no power, no choice, no freedom. He was born with so much privilege. And he used it to make other people miserable.

Just like the man who spawned me.

My stomach turns queasy when I think about him.

I take a deep breath to try to slow the sudden tripping sprint of my heart. There was a time, before I went to Winsome last summer where feeling this kind of anger scared me because I thought it was the burgeoning of something insidious.

I know better now. If there’s one good thing to come out of of all this, it’s that I know how unimportant DNA is.

Yes, my biological mother took the life of someone she pledged to love. Yes, my biological father is a cruel cold man.

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