Page 17 of Between Now and Always

When our eyes meet, I flinch at the disappointment in his. He snorts in disgust and looks down, as if the sight of me hurts him.

I’m gripped by a keen sense of helplessness. I don’t know what to say. How do I explain that the chapter of my life he’s asking me to probe is one I’m too afraid to revisit?

“I drove all the way here.” The change in subject is so abrupt that I wonder, for a second, if I missed something or misheard him.

“From the airport?” I ask, cautiously because he’s still staring at the ground and his voice is thick with anger.

“I didn’tfly, Carter.” His words are as gritty and rough as gravel, but I forget his anger and gawk at him.

He rotates his head, as if just talking about the drive is making his neck stiff.

“Wait. You drove from New York?” I gape.

“No, from Austin,” he says around a large yawn.

“What were you doing in Austin?” I ask, but guess before I even finish the question.

I should have known that I couldn’t bury my head in the sand and ignore Phil forever.

Pure disdain is etched onto every angle of his face. That fierce, dark look he’s got locked on me was one of the secrets to his success on the soccer pitch. And now, I understand why. I’ve never backed down from a fight with him, but right now I’m thinking about making a run for it.

“I was there meeting yourotherbrother. He’s been trying to reach for months. When he couldn’t, he reached out to me, on fuckingInstagram. He said he had something important to give you, and didn’t want to risk sending it to your agent’s office because it’s highly personal. So, I flew down to see him.”

“Why? You could have just given me the message?” I ask, genuinely puzzled. Jackhatesto travel, especially by plane.

His lip curls again. “Because, ass wipe, I wanted the whole story and I didn’t trust you to give it to me. And boy was I right. He told me that fifteen months ago you found out that Beth was your fucking half-sister. Allyou’vesaid about her is that it didn’t work out.” He makes air quotes around his caustic words.

The blood drains from my face as remorse, fear, and resentment coalesce to turn my gut into a churning sea of contradiction.

I’m sorry that he found out this way. But, my decision to keep my family in the dark wasn’t a whim taken in a moment of panic. It was a deliberate. When I limped back home, I was hanging on to everything by a thread. And the truth, at the time, was too terrible to give voice to.

Now, though, I can see that theliesI told were the real transgression, the truth was… just that.

Jack has been pissed at me before. I’ve given him plenty of reasons to be disappointed over the course of my life. Right now, though the depth of his hurt is on full display and I’m sick with guilt knowing that I’m responsible for putting it there.

“Jackson— I’m sorry.” To my own ears, the words are a feeble and insufficient sentiment. Judging by the unwavering anger in his eyes, he feels the same way.

He lets out a harsh, exhausted sigh and shakes his head. “I know I’m an asshole. I know I’m not warm and fuzzy. I call you on your crap and I’m not fucking sympathetic, but God dammit, you can’t keep shit like that to yourself, Carter.”

He slams his hand down on the top of the piano, the crack of the contact sends a discordant reverb through the room. Anxiety and anger move like a shockwave through me. I can’t help the anxiety.

And I take the anger as my due. I owe him my unconditional contrition.

The painful blow we suffered when we lost my father was compounded by his deceit about his cancer’s return. In the dark days that followed, we promised that we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other.

The first time that vow was tested, I failed.

He shakes his head, his anger framed and muted by disappointment, now.

“I’m yourbrother.I would lay down, right now, and let someone cut me open, take my heart out, and put it in your chest if it would save you.” His voice is nearly a growl, and his throat works as if he’s holding back tears.

“You went through some really major shit all by yourself and kept it secret from your entire family. That’s not who we are as a family. We don’t go it alone. Not when we have each other,” he says angrily.

Full of regret, I drop my head into my hands. “I know. I know. I just didn’t knowhowto tell you. I barely know what to tell myself.” Again, my words fail to rise to the occasion, but I don’t know what else to say.

“You know why I drove here?” he asks.

“Because you hate planes?” I quip. It earns me a scowl.

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