Page 15 of Between Now and Always

His words send a jolt of annoyance through me.

“Mom? What’s she got to do with any of this? I haven’t heard from her since James died.”

“She was his victim, too.”

“Sheliveson his money. She left her children so she could,” I protest.

I think about the blood on my sheets, the baby I never got to hold, but love anyway. My heart squeezes so tightly it brings tears to my eyes.

“I couldneverleave my child,” I say adamantly.

He strokes my cheek. “She’s not as strong as you are. Forgive her for that. Maybe, reach out to her.”

“She’s a stranger to me. I’m sorry, but that’s the last thing I want,” I say, and ignore the way my stomach rolls and coils.

“When you’re ready. Do whatever your heart tells you, honey.” He runs a hand over my head.

“Go, Clover. The world is waiting. Throw a dart at the map and go where it lands.” He smiles and then turns me to face the sliding glass doors of the airport and gives me a gentle nudge.

* * *

I walk to the ticket counter and redeem the ticket Carter bought me. When the agent hands me my boarding pass for the next flight to LaGuardia Airport in New York, I don’t try to stop the tears that stream down my face. I can’t believe I made it this far.

I realize now that I wasn’t sure that I would.

I’ve had this resolve before. When Carter and I had set our sights on forever.

The future was free and clear.

I couldtasteit.

When everything fell apart, it wasn’t just his love that I lost, but the castles I built to the future based on it.

Without it, everything crumbled to the ground and taking me with it,

I hurtled to the ground at breakneck speed and the crash landing shattered me.

But it didn’t kill me.

Even though there were days I wished it would.

And now…I know better.

There is no free.

There is no clear. Not when your father is a narcissistic misogynist with more power than integrity.

Not when the thing that wants to hold you back is stronger than your will to fight your way free.

My new start means leaving everything behind. The only thing I would take from this life are the things that are intractable. My love for Phil, Cameron, Dina, the name and new birthday that were bestowed on me with purpose and love.

I’m saying yes to things I have long denied myself. My steps are light, there’s a wind at my back.

I realize now, that it’s always been there and that my fear was the resistance that made doing this feel impossible.

I sit at my gate, alone and unmasked. No wig, no make-up, no pink. Just me, in my flip flops, jeans, and a plain white t-shirt. The only jewelry I’m wearing are the pieces that James bought for me.

I’ve never truly been by myself. Never had only me to rely on.

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