Page 13 of Between Now and Always

“I was pregnant when he left,” I blurt. I brace for the revulsion I’m sure he won’t be able to hide. Phil grabs my chin and forces my face upward until our eyes meet. There’s no judgment there, just compassion and love.

Tears sting my eyes and he wipes away the single stream that runs down my cheek.

“Did you…get rid of it?” There’s no condemnation in his voice, just concern and I don’t deserve it.

“I was going to…I mean, I didn’t see any other way. But before I could, I had a miscarriage.”

His eyes harden.

“Does Carter know?”

“No, I didn’t tell him.” I try to pull a deep breath into my burning lungs and can only manage a series of gasps.

“Oh Clo, it’s okay,” Phil reaches across the center console to pull me into a hug.

“No, it’snotoaky.I’mnot okay. There’s not a day that I haven’t longed for that baby. I would doanythingto have a piece of him with me.” Speaking the truth gives life to a new kind of ache — longing for an impossible chance to rewind time, make different choices, and say different prayers.

“There’s nothing wrong with loving him. I know it’s not the kind of love you’d like to share. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

I wipe away the tears that are falling freely now and shake my head.

“You don’t understand. I don’t know howelseto love him, Phil. I can’t stop. I’ve tried.Sohard. Iknowit’s wrong. And I’m terrified that I’ll always feel this way.”

The confession flows from the very center of me. It is my greatest fear.

“Give yourself time. Time where you don’t have to pretend. Process your feelings. You will move on. I know it doesn’t feel that way now but you will.”

No, it doesn’t feel that way now. Rightnow, I can’t imagine not craving Carter.

Not needing him.

Not missing him.

The hurt I’ve been pushing down is a tsunami, unstoppable and with no regard for the destruction it will cause. I can’t afford to let it loose. Not now.

So, I let a sob escape but, I hold the rest in.

He pulls me into his arms and this time, I let my head rest on his shoulder for a few minutes while I put myself back together. Like I have every single morning since my world fell apart.

But this time, I have new truths to use as my mortar and with my brother’s arms around me, supporting me, some of my earlier conviction returns.

“I’m ready. I want to leave before they can regroup and find a way to stop me.

* * *

Phil and I are at the small airport in Austin. Everything I need is stuffed into a backpack and one small suitcase.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” He asks again. He’s wearing dark aviators, so I can’t see his eyes, but his smile has dimmed since we set off from Winsome.

“I’ll be fine. I want to do this like everyone else does.” I slip my backpack onto my shoulders, grab the handle of the suitcase, and roll it to my side.

He hands me a large envelope. “Here, take this.”

“What’s this?” I ask not reaching out for it. He rolls his eyes in exasperation and reaches around me to stuff it into the pocket of my backpack.

“Money. Unless you plan on flying first class to Brazil or something, this should be enough one way to anywhere your license will allow you to travel and a few months of living expenses.”

My heart swells with gratitude and love.

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