Page 64 of Finding Home

I hold my breath. “What’d I do?”

“Nothing. It’s all in my head. I wanted you so much last night, I convinced myself it didn’t matter that you’d already slept with my best friend. But today, I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about what I did.”

“Guilty?”

“For stealing my best friend’s crush.”

It’s the last thing I expected to hear. Absolute horseshit.

“Claudia always had a huge crush on you,” Aubrey explains. “Even after she had sex with you. In fact, her crush only got bigger after that.”

Jesus Christ. No wonder Aubrey’s been wigging out today, if this is the kind of batshit-crazy bullshit she’s been thinking about.I put my finger underneath her chin. “Aubrey, listen to me. Claudia didn’t know me. She had a crush on an idea. OnC-Bomb. A fantasy she’d built up in her head. And I didn’t know her, either. To me, she was just another pretty face. A groupie who threw herself at me, and I accepted the invitation.”

“How do you know she threw herself at you, if you don’t even remember having sex with her?”

“Because I know I never have sex with anyone, especially on tour, unless it goes down that way.” Aubrey looks skeptical. “It’s true. Whether I’m high, drunk, or sober, I always know not to put myself in a position where someone can claim there was any kind of coercion or persuasion. I’m a high-profile person, Aubrey. I’d rather party with my friends after a show or go back to my room and drink myself into oblivion than mess around with anyone who might claim I did something wrong later on. Unless someone basically throws themselves at me—and I’m talking about themtellingme, clearly, they want to fuck me—then I’m never gonna do it.”

Aubrey considers that for a long moment. “Your life sounds really lonely.”

It’s an understatement. “All I’m saying is you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. No fucking way.”

Aubrey looks out at the lake. “If Claudia were here, I think she’d be furious with me for having sex with you.”

“She’s not here. And if she were, she’d have no claim on me.”

“I’m her best friend, though. There’s this thing called girl code. And I’ve broken it.”

I never saw this coming. Not in a million years. Does this mean Aubrey might put an end to things between us because I fucked someone else, almost three years ago—someone who’s now dead—and I don’t even remember doing it?

I look down at my hands, feeling unexpectedly emotional. For the first time in so long, I actuallyfeelsomething; and now my past is going to fuck it up for me? “Claudia had sex with my body, once,” I whisper. “Almost three years ago.” I look up. “But you’re the first person to have sex withme, the real me, in almost fifteen years.”

Her lips part in surprise.

“Aubrey, you’re the first person in a very long time to actually make me feel something, and I’d honestly be heartbroken if a few minutes with Claudia, a woman who wanted me as a bucket list item, winds up fucking up my chances with you.”

Aubrey holds eye contact, her chest heaving. “Claudia said you fucked her from behind and never kissed her. That’s why I asked you to do it that way. I wanted to experience you, the same way she did. I wanted to understand how she felt with you, compared to the way I did last night. I wanted to see if I could feel a difference.”

“And?”

Her chest heaves, but she says nothing.

“Look,” I say. “No matter what position I fuck you in, you’re always gonna be Aubrey, and I’m always gonna be Caleb. Which means, no matter what, it’s always gonna be different than anything and everything that’s come before. For me, anyway. That’s the truth.” I didn’t mean to admit all that to her. Didn’t mean to show my cards, this quickly.But something inside me knows, without a doubt, if I don’t fight for Aubrey in this moment, if I don’t tell her the truth about how I’m feeling, I’m going to lose her forever.

“Tell me,” I whisper. “Please, Aubrey. What was the result of your little experiment? Was there a difference when I fucked you from behind?”

She swallows hard. “A big difference. When you were facing me, when you kissed me and looked into my eyes, I felt . . . electricity. Like you truly wantedme. Not just sex.”

I exhale with relief. “I do want you. I feel addicted to you.” I also dream about her. Ache for her.Love her.But the rest, I couldn’t possibly say out loud. “If you don’t want me,” I add, “if you’re too hung up on what happened between Claudia and me to?—”

“No, I do want you,” she says, placing a palm on my cheek. “I feel addicted, too. That’s why I’ve been feeling so guilty. If I didn’t feel anything for you, I wouldn’t feel this conflicted.”

I let out a long breath. “The past is the past. We can’t change it, so let’s not dwell on it.”

She chews her lip and nods.

“Will you do me a favor? Don’t call me C-Bomb during sex. Everyone calls me that, even my best friends, so feel free to call me that, any other time. Just not during sex.”

Nodding, she leans down and kisses me, but abruptly pulls back. “Will you do me a favor, too? Please, call me A-Bomb during sex, as much as possible.” She giggles. “That was so fucking hot.”

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