Page 67 of Finding Home

“Maybe,” I say vaguely, just as the latest song on Aubrey’s playlist ends, and Aloha Carmichael’s female-empowerment anthem, “Pretty Girl,” begins.

At the sound of her favorite song, Raine slides off her chair and starts dancing for the group on the deck, much to everyone’s delight.

“She’s doing the dance from the music video,” Aubrey explains to Miranda with a chuckle.

“I know that dance!” Miranda shouts excitedly. “I’ll do it with you, Rainey!”

“My Aubbey!” Raine shrieks, pointing at Aubrey. And in short order, both women—my sister and the woman I can’t get enough of—are standing on either side of my baby girl, performing the choreography as a trio. Sort of. Truthfully, Raine is a shit show, in terms of her ability to keep up with the dance. But she’s damned cute while trying.

Of course, Joe, Barb, and I cheer the performance enthusiastically. But midway through the song, Raine points at me and shouts, “Dadda dance!”

My eyes find Aubrey’s. She’s smiling. Egging me on.

“You heard your daughter,” Aubrey teases.

“Come on, Caleb,” Miranda adds. “Dance,Dadda.”

Fuck it. I’m so fucking happy these days, I’ll do pretty much anything to make my daughter smile. I rise from thetable, scoop up my baby girl, and dance around the deck with her in my arms to the beat of the song, while Raine laughs like a hyena in my arms.

When the song ends, Raine throws her head back and belly laughs, making me do the same. And when she tilts her head back up, she does something amazing. Something she’s never done before. Something that rocks my fucking world. She grips both sides of my beard in her tiny hands, kisses me square on the mouth, and says, “I luh you, Dadda!”

My heart explodes. “I love you, too, Shortcake,” I choke out. “So, so much.”

Euphoria. Relief. They’re slamming into me like a hurricane. Making me physically dizzy.

For weeks, I’ve worried I haven’t been doing enough to win Raine over—to impress the judge when the time comes and prove I’m a fit father. For weeks, I’ve worried the unthinkable might happen. That the judge might award Raine to Ralph Beaumont, instead of me. In fact, I’ve started having nightmares about that scenario.

But now that I know Raine loves me, and that she’ll likely tell the social worker that, I feel invincible. Like nothing and nobody can stop me now. This little girl is mine, and I’m hers. And nobody will ever break that bond, ever again. Not even me and my usual self-sabotaging bullshit. I’m done being unreliable and selfish. I’m done being a dumbass. From this moment forward, as long as I live, I’m going to be the best father to Raine, as humanly possible.

I pull my baby girl close and squeeze her tight, feeling like my heart is going to physically burst and splatter all over my newly finished, pristine deck. But after a moment, I realize our embrace is missing something essential.Someoneessential.Aubrey.

Wiping my eyes, I find her beautiful face over Raine’s head and beckon to her; and when she joins our family hug, the wordsI love you, Aubreycrash into me, unbidden.

As we break apart, I avert my eyes from Aubrey, so she won’t detect the truth in my eyes. Paula told me Ralph’s lawyer will probably ask me about my relationship with Aubrey in court, in an effort to prove I’ve improperly influenced her testimony. When that happens, Paula said, I’ll need to be ready to answer with a straight face, “Aubrey Capshaw is my nanny and friend; also, Raine’s beloved auntie.” So, I can’t tell Aubrey the depths of my feelings for her now. But the minute all the bullshit with the hearing is behind us, however, I swear I’ll say everything that needs to be said, without holding anything back.

I put Raine down, and she immediately begins twirling and dancing to the next song on Aubrey’s playlist. When my hands are free, Miranda steps up and wraps me in a warm hug.

“I’m so happy for you,” she murmurs.

“I wish Mom were here to see this,” I choke out.

“She’s watching right now and smiling.”

After one more tight squeeze and an exchange of “I love you’s” with my sister, we decide the time has come to scatter my mother’s ashes on the lake, as planned. Due to my tantrum in New York and subsequent, court-ordered trip to rehab, we never got the chance to properly mourn our mother together. So, this evening, we’re finally going to give Adele Hayes Baumgarten the memorial she deserves.

I call to Aubrey, “Would it be okay if we take Raine with us on the rowboat for the ashes thing?” True, Raine’s my kid, so I don’t technically need Aubrey’s permission to take her anywhere, especially now that I'm free of all those pesky rehab requirements. But by now, I trust Aubrey’sjudgment. Not only about what’s best for our sweet girl, but also about what’s best for me. For all of us. In fact, I think it’s fair to say, just this fast, Aubrey’s become my North Star. My moral compass. My guiding light.

“If Rainey wants to go, and as long as you bundle her up and she wears a life jacket, I think it’s a great idea.” She calls to Raine who’s still twirling and dancing. “Rainey, do you want to go on a rowboat with Auntie Miranda and Daddy to say goodbye to their mommy in heaven?”

Raine stops twirling. “Me, too?”

Every adult exchanges an apprehensive look.

“No, not to you, honey,” Aubrey says gently. “Your daddy is never going to say goodbye to you.”

“Not ever,” I add quickly.

Raine looks puzzled. “Me, too?” she repeats. “I say bye-bye tomymommy in da heaven, too?”

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