Page 36 of Finding Home

“She told you to go. It’s what she wanted.”

His jaw clenches. “Doesn’t matter. I promised I’d be there when she took her last breath, and I broke that promise to her and to myself. Unfortunately, it was totally on-brand for me, though.” He swallows hard. “Before that, I didn’t step up to become a father to Raine. I hid her existence from my family and friends. Before that, I pissed off my bandmates, time and again, in ways big and small, because I didn’t give a shit about anyone but myself. Before that, it was betraying the only girl I’ve ever truly loved. Before that . . .”

The only girl I’ve ever truly loved.Caleb is still talking, but those words suddenly have my undivided attention.

“So, you see,” Caleb says in wrap-up. “My fuck-up with my mother, my fuck-up with Raine . . . It’s all consistent with my lifelong MO of letting people down.”

I take a deep breath. “Humans aren’t perfect. We make mistakes. The good news is you came here to correct your mistakes with respect to Raine. Let that be the beginning of a new era for you.”

Caleb silently takes the exit off the freeway for Billings,and we’re both quiet for several minutes, during which my mind races about that same item on Caleb’s long list of mistakes.Before that, it was betraying the only girl I’ve ever truly loved. Who was she? How and why did he betray her?

Finally, as we’re driving down a major street in Billings, I gather the courage to ask about the titillating topic. “How’d you betray the only girl you’ve ever truly loved? Did you cheat on her?”

“Yes, but it was worse than that.”

I gasp. “You hit her?”

Caleb abruptly swivels his face toward me, his green eyes flashing. “Absolutely not. I’d never do that.”

I sigh with relief. “What’s worse than cheating? Did you cheat with her sister or best friend?”

Caleb stops the truck at a red light and stares ahead through the windshield. When he doesn’t speak, I prompt, “How long ago was this?” Still no reply. “Come on, Caleb. I already hate you, so this couldn’t possibly change my already horrible opinion of you.”

To my relief, Caleb smirks at my comment. If I’d said the same words to him yesterday, I’m not sure they would have come across as a joke. Today, however . . . I’m not sure “hatred” still exists in this space, and I’m sure Caleb can feel that. Do I respect this man to my left? No. Do I like him? Not quite. But now that I’ve seen glimpses of actual vulnerability and humanity in his eyes, I have to admit I’ve softened toward him a teeny-tiny bit.

“When did it happen?” I prompt softly. “Let’s start with that.”

“When I was in my early twenties.”

“So, like, well over a decade ago? That’s a long time, Caleb.”

“And yet, I think about it almost every day.”

The light turns green and we’re off again; and a moment later, Caleb is parking the truck in front of our first destination of the day: a big-box home improvement store. Conveniently, it’s located kitty-corner from the music store where Caleb plans to buy himself a drum kit, so we’ll quickly be able to check off our first two errands before piling back into the truck to drive across town to the sporting goods store.

“Will you tell me what happened?” I ask, as Caleb turns off the truck, making its big engine falls silent.

Caleb sighs. “There’s no point, Aubrey. All you need to know is I’ve hurt anyone who’s dared to love me, other than the guys in my band and a small handful of good friends.” He scoffs. “Although I guess I’ve fucked over my bandmates now, too, with my stunt in New York. Thanks to me, we can’t get insured for a tour, till I complete rehab.”

“Which you’re working on.”

“We had to cancel some really big things, thanks to me.”

“You’ll do them another time.” I touch his arm. “Addiction isn’t voluntary or spiteful. It’s a disease. I’m sure your bandmates understand that.”

He shakes his head. “The thing is, I’m not an addict. I could see the difference between myself and other people in rehab. To some degree, I’vechosento be a dick.Chosento let people down.Chosento be out of control and selfish.” Emotion washes over his rugged features. “That’s why I’m so determined to make things right with Raine. This is my big chance to finally do something right and good. To become the man my mother thought I was, all along.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, feeling touched by his vulnerability. “How have all the rest of your romantic relationships gone for you, since that one in your twenties?Have you cheated on all your girlfriends, ever since, or have you grown and matured?”

“I’ve only ever had the one girlfriend.”

My lips part in surprise. “You haven’t had a single girlfriend in over a decade?”

“I mean, I’ve dated, sure, but I’ve never promised anyone exclusivity again. My word is worth shit, so why bother?”

Does that mean he’s only everlovedthat one time, too? That’d be a shocking thing for a man of thirty-five. Add to that, the fact that he’s been traveling the world with his band all that time, probably doing what he did with Claudia on a running loop, and I suddenly feel like I’ve got a much better understanding of this man. The rockstar who didn’t bother to ask for Claudia’s phone number or to meet with his child before now.

Caleb looks out his side of the truck. “I’ve always known I’m no good at giving love,” he says softly. “And that I’m not a good bet for anyone giving it to me. So, why bother and waste everyone’s time, you know?”

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