Page 42 of There Are No Words

Okay, that came out wrong.I narrowed my eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Actually, I don’t think I do. If it’s supposed to help me, what’s your problem? Why are you being such a baby about this?”

And there was the problem—she had no idea what I meant. Because I’d never actually said what I wanted. That I didn’t wantAllegra sharing a bed with this stupid penis-shaped pillow or any other penis for that matter. Not now or in the future.

I didn’t want our baby spending weekdays with Allegra and her boyfriend or fiancé or husband, or whatever the hell he’d be to her, and weekends with me. I couldn’t imagine seeing Allegra with anyone else. But she was a great woman, and she definitely wouldn’t be single for long. There were too many things about her that enticed a man.

I leaned my head back and stared up at the ceiling, hoping this came out right. “I don’t want you to date and get married to some other man. I don’t want you sleeping with anyone but me. I want our daughter to have parents who are a couple, not just roommates. Not that we’d even be that if you meet someone.”

Her eyes widened, and she blinked rapidly, stumbling backward, almost like she’d gotten the wind knocked out of her and was having trouble standing upright. “You think I don’t want that for my child? You think I want to ever see you bring another woman around her? Because I don’t. But that doesn’t mean we should just get together because doing that to only break up would be worse.”

I raked my hand through my hair. “How do you know we’d break up?” She sounded so sure of it, like it was a guarantee. Nothing in life was a guarantee, though.

In answer, she only angled her head and smacked her lips.

I closed my eyes and brought my hands to them, squeezing them shut even more as I tried to think of a better way to say this. “I didn’t plan for any of this,” I muttered and immediately hoped she hadn’t heard me because I knew how that sounded.Shit, nothing is coming out right today.

What I meant was I’d never planned on a one-night stand becoming the mother of my child. Not that there was anything wrong with Allegra being the mother of my child. If I was being honest, I knew she’d make a great one—a fucking fantastic one—and our daughter would be lucky to have her as a mother. I supposed I couldn’t have knocked up a better one-night stand. Only I didn’t want her to be a one-night stand. I wanted her to be more. Damn it, why couldn’t she just know that? It might have helped if I just came out and said it, right? Easier said than done. Once I said it, I didn’t know what would happen.

Never mind this beating around the bush bullshit. I couldn’t do it. So, I decided there was nothing else to say, but. . . “I want to discuss the prospect of us being together.”

When her mouth fell open but no words came out, I continued, “I mean, really be together. Like as a real couple without planning on breaking up before we even get started.” As though that wasn’t clear. Fuck, I was an idiot. I should get it tattooed on my forehead.

“You—” she cut herself off, turning on her heel, a hand to her belly as she paced the small area. “I—” She let out a breath, clearly doing those deep breathing techniques she loved.

Damn it.I now knew why men and women weren’t roommates. And for all of those who were, I could only hope they were poor suckers like me. At least then I wouldn’t be in this alone.

* * *

Allegra

What could I say?

All right, well, I had a couple of options here.

1. Bolt. I could tell him I had to pee and leave. That would definitely be believable since I’d drank a lot of liquid and had a small bladder, and Baby certainly wasn’t helping matters lately. Brady had to know that by now.

2. Crush this whole talk of getting together like a bug.Brady, you’re delusional if you think I wanted anything more from you than a great lay. I wanted you to make me feel good. Now I want to move on with our lives.But that would be lying to him because that was so far from the truth, it wasn’t even funny.

3. Tell the truth. After all, people said the truth set you free.Brady, I want to be with you more than anything. I’m seriously attracted to you, obviously, but it’s more than that. I want to hold hands with you and go on dates like a real couple.Of course, then there was always a chance that he’d wake up one morning and change his mind. Other men had. But he was too much of a good guy for that. Especially because of Baby. So instead, he’d stay with us, feeling trapped and resenting me until one day he hated me so fiercely the little family we’d formed would implode.

And I hated every single one of those options. I needed a sign.

“You know what?” Brady asked, and I turned around, our eyes meeting. He looked pained, like he couldn’t handle this. I didn’t blame him. But then why did he have to come out and say something stupid? He didn’t understand that we would never, could never make a good couple. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.” Then he ruffled his hair, clearly frustrated.Same, pal.“And you should keep the damn pillow.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Once again during this conversation my voice had failed me.

Maybe it was best not to say anything at all. Said no one ever.

He walked out the door and closed it behind him.

I heaved a sigh and sat down on the couch. What was I going to do? Brady deserved an answer.

But I deserved time.

Time to figure all of this out.

If I made the wrong choice, I didn’t know if I was strong enough to come back from having a man like Brady stomp all over my heart.

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