Page 38 of There Are No Words

Not that I didn’t read his horoscope, anyway, after he’d finally told me his birthdate recently. Because I did. I’d alsochecked to see if we were compatible—romantically, of course. We weren’t. Not even a little. No surprise there.

The doctor made a move to circle something on the monitor, but I turned my head toward Brady. “Brady,” I started, slightly unsure I wanted to know anymore. Would it change anything? Maybe we should wait.

“Hmm?” he questioned, confusion coloring his expression. “What’s wrong?” He grabbed my hand like he had before, only this time he gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze. “Did you change your mind?”

I nodded but then shook my head. “Yes. I mean, no. I mean, oh, I don’t know.”

“What are you worried about?” His tone and expression told me everything his words didn’t—whether it’s a boy or girl isn’t going to change anything, but if you really don’t want to wait to find out, then we’ll wait.

I licked my lips and took a deep breath in and exhaled. “Nothing. I’m okay.” I turned back toward the doctor and gave him a smile. “Ignore me. Let’s find out the sex of our baby.”

I placed my other hand on top of his and relished in the way it felt, like his confidence was radiating through my body from his touch. I never realized just how much I needed him at these appointments.

“All right,” the doctor finally said, a grin coming across his face. “You’re having a girl.”

“A girl,” I repeated, the words coming out in a hushed whisper. It was as though I could hardly believe it. I covered my mouth with my hand, and tears pooled in my eyes, making it difficult to see clearly.

“It’s a girl,” Brady parroted, his voice hoarse, like he was also feeling emotional.

I peered up at him and nodded, letting the tears fall down my face. I laughed and cried all at once, so excited and happy for everything that was to come.

He wrapped his arms around me, and I sucked in, loving the way he smelled like aftershave today. “I’m going to protect the fuck out of our daughter,” he whispered in my hair.

I chuckled against his body, gripping his shirt with my hands, never wanting to let go. “Is she not going to be allowed to date until she’s thirty?” It was such a dad thing to think.

He pulled back and scowled. “Try fifty.”

“I hope she’s a daddy’s girl.”

He tapped the tip of my nose. “Something tells me she’s going to be glued at the hip to her mommy.”

* * *

Ever since the appointment, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have a girl. A daughter. Should her nursery be pink with butterflies like Mom had done for Perla (hers was the only nursery I remembered)? Would she look cute with those headbands or bows in her hair? Of course she would. Every girl looked adorable with accessories.

And then I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to Mom. She was going to miss all of it. Not that I hadn’t already figured that one out. It was just, now it was more real, you know? She would never be able to meet her granddaughter in person or give me advice on raising a strong, independent girl like she’d raised my sisters and I to be. Since Mom’s death, things just hit differently, and this would be one of those things.

I twisted and turned in bed, unable to find a comfortable position. Why did all these thoughts have to flood my mind at night? And why was my bed suddenly so uncomfortable? Oh,that was right, because I preferred to sleep on my stomach and being pregnant sort of stopped that from happening. Then Brady had to go and tell me sleeping on my back was also not advisable as I got further into the pregnancy. Apparently, he’d read something in that stupid book of his about that not being good for me or Baby. Annoying book. Annoying Brady. Why did he have to be all-knowing?

I’d swear he might have been the only man in the history of the world who knew this much about a woman’s body during pregnancy. If he thought it was earning him points, he’d be wrong.

Okay, fine, so he would be right. I was impressed.

And slightly turned on.

But that would have also been chalked up to the heightened libido shit I had going on.

Pregnancy—the only good thing about it was that I was getting a lifelong friend out of it.

My daughter and I would be friends, right?

Oh, yeah. We were going to be great friends. I pushed all my anxieties from earlier out of my mind and focused on how she’d confide in me about everything. We’d talk hair and makeup and all the gossip from school. And then I’d have to tell her not to stay out too late and never ride on the back of a motorcycle even if she really wanted to.

Naturally, I’d have to give her the sex talk.

Ugh. I was never going to be friends with her, was I? She was going to villainize me. I already had so much working against me.

I rolled over for the nine-hundredth time tonight and stared at the clock on my nightstand. Stupid clock was probably mocking me. I’d been up for the past hour and couldn’t fall asleep. There was something about the two o’clock hour. It waslike the witching hour or something because once I woke up at that time, I was hardly ever able to get back to sleep.

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