Page 22 of Anastasia

Hours passed.I didn’t know how long I had been waiting for some sort of news. I found myself staring off into space with thoughts of never being able to hold her again. My hands were remembering every trace of her skin. I could still feel her cold hand in mine. Visions of the times we laughed and played kept going on in my mind like a movie I wished to see for the first time again.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder. When I quickly turned around, my heart broke into a million pieces. Dr. Flores was no longer smiling. He didn’t have a single bit of hope anywhere on his face like he usually did. There wasn’t even a tight-lipped smile. For as long as I’ve known Dr. Flores, I had never seen a tear in his eye, until now.

“I’m sorry—”

“No! No! She’s not!She’s not! I know Alex. She?she wouldn’t leave me! You didn’t try hard enough! She’s notdead!” I shouted. Tears clouded my vision. Shaking my head back and forth, I kept telling myself it was some sick joke. Alex told him to lie and say she’s dead just so she can laugh because Alex always had this strange dark humor.

“Anastasia, Alexandria didn’t make it—”

“No!” I sobbed.

My body shook and I could feel my veins being pulled from my body. Somebody was suffocating me with sorrow and no one in the world was helping me stop them. The world got rid of the wrong person by choosing the best one. From the way Alex smiled to the way she always held our mother every single night before she went to bed. Alex never cared that our mother didn’t want us, she always saw the good in her. She always saw something that I could never see. She saw the yellow in me while my heart had always felt colorless.

“Why would someone so pure be taken away from me? She never did anything to hurt anyone. She always wanted the best for every single person in the goddamn world! My little sister made me feel like a child with the way she could uplift the spirits of those who were hurt!” I cried.

Dr. Flores wrapped his arms around me and let me cry out every bit of sadness. My shoulders rocked, and my head began to ache, but it was no matter for my heart. My heart hurt the worse, and the only person in the world who could fix it was gone now.

Anastasia

Ishut my sister’s journal and held it against my chest. It was as though I could hear her voice speaking to me as I read every word. As I read her journal, it was like we were having conversations again. My heart ached to hear her voice, listen to her laugh, and voice her beliefs. Alex had always been there, and I felt so empty now that she wasn’t holding my hand and telling me that everything would be okay. I missed her so much. If I could talk to her one last time about anything, I would. If I could look into her hazel eyes and see the gleam of hope and prosperity in them, I would.

I threw myself onto her mattress, hugging the journal as protectively as I could. Sobs ripped out of me as I called for a sister who would no longer respond to them.

I had lost her only a week ago, yet it felt like yesterday. It was the loss of my best friend, sister, and inspiration all rolled into one. I tried so hard to think of a way that could heal the open wound on my heart but only managed to come up short-handed.

The door opened, but I didn’t give it any thought. I glanced up at the intruder only to see that it was my mother. She looked down at me with a sad expression on her face then sat down beside me. I watched her as she wrapped her arms around me, leaving me to weep into her shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” I wailed. The journal was still plastered against my chest, which felt like the presence of my little sister. With the journal and my mother’s arms wrapped around me, it made me feel whole for the first time in my life.

“I know, Anastasia. You have to take it day by day, one step at a time,” she whispered before placing her lips against the top of my head.

“She was the only person in this world who believed in us, Mum. There is no happiness without Alex,” I professed. I could feel her arms tighten around me, but it didn’t end the feeling of loneliness that suddenly erupted through me. It only seemed to aided the thought of being all on my own.

“I’m always here,” she cooed sweetly, pretending like none of her wrongful actions ever happened.

“You say that, but then you go away,” I sniveled before pushing away from her as my eyes glared down into her blue ones. Her shoulders fell in defeat as she watched me. “You may be sober now, but you aren’t all the time! Just tell me why you never chose us? Alex was dying and you still didn’t care!”

“Damn it, Anastasia! I care, okay? I’ve always cared! It’s hard for me to have these negative thoughts and memories all of the time. I need to let things go the best way I know how so I don’t hurt you both,” she explained.

“You did hurt us!” I shouted. She seemed taken aback by my outburst but understanding quickly caressed her features.

“Get out,” I whispered defeatedly. My sight blurred with tears waiting to be released. I was done being disappointed by my mother. Alex may have wanted me to watch over Mum, but I couldn’t do it anymore. The last thing our mother deserved was a helping hand.

“You?”

“Get the hell out of our room!” I seethed.

She spared me one last glance before getting up and walking out the door.

The minute she was gone, I opened Alex’s journal back up and reread her words. The sound of her voice reading each word to me left my mind busy. I could feel the tears drop from my face, but I didn’t even care to acknowledge them.

“Well, Alex,” I sniffed. “I may be your yellow, but you’ve always been my blue. So overlooked, yet full of purity. I could picture your husband and the two?no,threekids you would have. You would even have a dog named Spot that you’d get angry at for jumping on the couch. You’ve always shown the beauty in simplicity, Alexandria. My sea, my whale, my blueberry, and my butterfly—I love you, always.”

After a while, my tears stopped falling. My body felt so numb and exhausted that I didn’t want to move anymore. All I could do was zone out until the sun disappeared and the moonlight bounced off my body. When my gaze fell on Alexandria’s mattress, for a moment, I could see her on it.God, I miss her so much.

Guilt coursed through me when the conversation I had with my mother abruptly made its way into my mind. Deciding to get up and apologize, I let out a loud sigh. I opened the door and walked out, making my way over to her room.

Softly, I knocked on her door but didn’t hear a response. When I knocked again and still couldn’t hear anything, I decided to just walk in. The room was so dark and lifeless. The smell of sweat infiltrated my nose as I turned on the life.

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