Page 9 of Beltane

“There’s no fucking way that’s happening,” Lex said, stripping off his shirt as he walked toward the bathroom. “It’s time the four of us had a talk—a real one.”

Carter gave me a sympathetic glance before nodding toward the door, suggesting he thought it was time I told them everything. From the sounds of it, they had a lot to tell me, too. Carter followed Lex into the other room, leaving me alone with Ivy, the epitome of American nobility. My heart pounded, echoing in my head, and my throat felt like I’d swallowed an entire ocean.

“Miri,” she said, her footsteps stopping in front of me.

I stared down at the ground, visions of what little memory I had dancing just behind my eyes. I clenched them shut against the burning sobs that almost barreled out of my throat.

Take a deep breath.Inhale…Exhale…

I tried to follow my own directions, willing the bile and shame back down into that dark corner of my soul.

“Miri, my love.” Ivy slowly reached out to grab my fingers, lifting them to her lips, kissing my knuckles with tender touches. “Miri, please let us back in. We love you no matter what’s happened.”

I wanted to believe that. I really did, but I couldn’t. The threat of losing her forever wasn’t nearly as bad as what would happen when she learned the king had been inside my head, twisting and squirming and who knew what else. They weren’t safe around me. Hell, I couldn’t even protect myself. I couldn’t protect this realm. I was useless.

What was I doing there? I should have packed up and returned to London. They didn’t need me. They?—

Ivy’s warm mouth broke my chain of thoughts, pressing against mine with a tenderness I hadn’t felt in so long. My knees shook and my stomach flipped over, and for a second, I let myself believe that I could have her again, that I could be worthy of them again. With that thought, I mentally slapped myself and stepped away, touching my lips as they burned where she’d been.

“Don’t do that,” I hissed.

She winced and cleared her throat. “Okay.”

“Okay.” I shook my head, jutting my chin out as I blinked back my blurry vision. Even hurt, Ivy was incredibly mesmerizing and beautiful. She reminded me of a Goddess come to life, some ancient warrior gifted with wisdom, strength, and compassion. I wanted to fall to her feet and pray for redemption, pray for forgiveness, pray for any empathy she’d grant me.

“If you can’t tell us, I can just—” She reached out, but I moved away.

“No,” I snapped. “Just…give me some space.”

Perhaps I expected her to retreat at my outburst, but she didn’t. Ivy nodded and dropped her arms to her sides, anguish and frustration echoing behind her steel gaze. That made me feel worse. Despite what I’d done to her, despite what had happened to me, I loved her. I never wanted to upset her.

I memorized the slope of her neck as it became her collarbone, now more pronounced and rigid since the last time I’d seen her. We both looked horrid, and I swallowed down the panicked guilt that came with the realization I’d caused this.

The four of us were connected in our own ways. Lex and I softened each other like no one else could. Carter was my best friend and star-crossed lover. But Ivy was my emotional tether. She was the glue that held me together, truly my first love in all the ways that mattered.

If I weren’t me and she weren’t her, I would have proposed we run away together after boarding school and never venture into high society again. She would have been enough for me, if only we had been enough for the world.

“We can bathe together,” I said, moving past her to the bathroom. “But don’t get too close, okay?”

Ivy swallowed and smiled, following me without saying anything else.

* * *

I feltIvy’s eyes on me while I stripped, her blistering stare even more intense for how long I’d ached to have it on me again. Carter leaned over the enormous Jacuzzi tub, swirling his fingers in the water while it filled, and Lex had already gotten in, leaning back against a corner with his head relaxed and his eyes closed. I ignored Ivy’s scrutiny and pushed my trousers down to my ankles, stepping out of them before yanking my blouse over my head. I was just about to climb into the tub when I caught her gaze and paused.

She ran the length of me, and I immediately covered the scars on my thighs with my hands, the ones I’d picked at until they bled, the ones I’d done to myself. But that was a psychological door I didn’t want to open tonight. They didn’t need to know, not yet.

“I’m happy we’re home,” Carter said, holding out a hand to help me step into the water. I refused it, grabbing onto the porcelain sides to ease myself in. The steamy pool soothed my tired muscles, and when I finally relaxed against the sloped wall farthest away from the others, some of the tension from the last few months slipped away.

“It’s not safe for me to be here,” I said. “I should go back to England as soon as we figure out how to break this curse.” I wanted to stay. I’d always want to stay. But I was dangerous to them, and I might always be. I had ruined Ivy’s reputation and my own with it. What more damage could I do?

“Hmm.” Lex didn’t bother to pick his head up, just grunted a sardonic noise that said he didn’t believe me.

“I’m serious,” I snapped as Ivy sank into the water next to me, unraveling her long, shiny hair so it hung in thick waves down her back.

“I’m sure you think so.” Lex raised an eyebrow, his gaze scrutinizing every inch of me.

“Don’t gaslight me,” I said, more bite in my tone than I’d meant. Sure, Lex had reason to be upset. I’d broken his heart and cut him off, something I’d sworn I’d never do. We were married, after all. I’d made an oath to the three of them. It was written right there on my hand.

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