Page 74 of Beltane

Even though that last person was waiting for me in the SUV out back, thinking about him would inevitably lead to the other two, and then the chasm in my chest would open so wide, I’d have difficulty containing it again.

“You remember your prepared responses, right?” Giana narrowed her brilliant gaze at me, and I nodded. “Good. After the time limit, I’ll get you out of here as soon as possible.”

The stage manager gestured to the podium, holding their hand out to guide me between the curtains. Cameras flashed as soon as I appeared, blinding me as I made my way to the center and faced the swarm of journalists in front of me. They shouted questions, one on top of the other, making it difficult to hear. I caught things like “Lex’s location” and “Miri’s wedding” and “are the rumors true about Carter Scott?”

I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat, visions of our life together flashing through my imagination. Miri’s beautiful mahogany gaze shimmered in the sunlight, flecks of gold and honey mixed with chestnut complementing the same tones in her curly hair. I thought of the way Lex used to hold me down and smack me around, and how we’d laugh at the marks afterward. I thought of Carter in the car, of his dedication to us, to me…his unshakable loyalty.

We were supposed to be unbreakable. We were supposed to be together in the end.

I opened my mouth to talk, reading the first few lines on the teleprompter.

“Thank you all for coming today. At least the weather’s held up.” The audience laughed, and I smiled, trying to seal up the cracks in my politician’s mask. I read the lines as they appeared, reciting the bullshit that had been written for me, the lies that explained why we’d delayed the wedding again and what I planned to do about it. “Once we have a firm date, you’ll be the first to know. With some of the names in this room, you’ll probably know before I do.”

Another round of laughter added insulation to my crumbling foundation, the chips in my fragile glass armor spider-webbing in every direction. I hated the words I was saying. I hated being up here. I always had. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and searched my mind for Lex, for any remains of his energy. We had been connected once, and even if I’d loathed it at first, I had grown to need it. Without it, I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t know how to exist.

I felt like that seventeen-year-old version of myself, facing Marcus’s death and realizing I couldn’t do any of this alone. None of it mattered. None ofthismattered.

That younger version of me rose inside, the one that had blushed the first time Miri kissed her, the one that had run into Carter’s arms when he called her his favorite girl, the one that had secretly loved Lex Fairfax her entire life. She wanted to hide away from the world, to hide away from all of these sycophants that sucked the life out of her and her family.

What would she think of me?

How would she react if she knew I saved the world from a fairy king at the expense of Lex? What would she do if she knew I’d gotten up here to lie to the world and carry on like nothing happened?

It all seemed so…insignificant.

“I intend to return to the office on Monday morning,”the teleprompter read, and I knew I had to say the words, but they weighed a ton. My stomach churned at the thought of walking back into the Capitol, of facing all the maniacs that lived to make my life a nightmare. I’d tried so damned hard, and I just…didn’t want it anymore.

I didn’t want it anymore.

Fuck, perhaps I had never wanted it. This wasmy mother’sdream, and I didn’t let her control my life.

Those words…they made my shoulders soft. They eased the tension in my chest and evaporated the clenching in my gut.

“I intend to return—” I murmured, more to myself than anyone else.

Could I return? Could I finish what I’d started?

“Representative Washington,” someone said, clearly taking advantage of the silence in my pause. “Princess Miriam is getting married in only a few hours? Any comment on that?”

I had a million comments, but none of them mattered, either. Nothing mattered. Only my loved ones. Only being happy and joyful, and none of this had ever brought me joy. Not being in front of the cameras. Not answering their questions. Not being a part oftheWashington family.

I took a deep breath and thought of Lex’s last words to me.

“You live your own life, understand?”

“Yes,” I said, more to the version of him in my head than to the audience, but they took my affirmative statement to mean I had a comment. When I opened my eyes, they hung on my every word.

I had spent twenty-six years crafting this mask for myself, putting it on every day fortheiramusement because I’d been told Ihadto. I couldn’t be in love with Miri because my mother said I couldn’t, because I was supposed to marry Lex and play the part of Ivy Washington, America’s Favorite Political Animal.

But this version of me, the one that had defeated a fairy king and lived with the wreckage of what little I had to show for it, had more backbone than any of the previous iterations. Ivy 2.0 was going to live her own damned life.

“Miri and I…” I paused, taking one last deep breath before pulling the pin from this grenade. “We’ve been in love with each other since boarding school. I’ve loved Lex Fairfax since before I could remember, and all three of us love Carter Scott more than anything else in this world.” The collective audience gasped. “I know the perverted stories you will spin with what little information I’m willing to give you, but I love the three of them. And they love me. And I would argue that the world needs more of that, not less.” Somewhere across town, my mother’s jaw was on the ground. My ancestors were rolling in their graves.

Good.

I was doing things my way from now on. I would stay in Congress, but only so that I could keep fighting onmyterms. These vultures couldn’t have anything I wasn’t willing to give them.

“I’ve gotta go.”

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