Page 10 of Beltane

Until the end.

The end hadn’t come yet.

“I’m not gaslighting anyone,” Lex said, finally deigning to look at me. “I don’t need to. You know what happens when we’re apart.” He shook his head, his features softening for the first time since I’d been home, like he’d finally decided to take pity on me. “You know we can’t break the curse.”

My chest caved in on itself. Yes, Siobhan had told them that when they met up with her and her lovers. They’d talked about theFianna,about Siobhan admitting she couldn’t take it back, even if she wanted to.

“There are some other things you should know, things we didn’t get a chance to explain.” Ivy talked about her connection to the king’s mind and Lex training Poppy to go back in time. In the end, none of it worked. The king still took Ivy’s siblings and Poppy had done God knew what with my cousin and Lizzie.

“I don’t know what we’ll do now,” Ivy said. “I don’t think he’ll hurt anyone we love, not until he has the queen.” She rubbed at her temples and laughed. “I can feel him squirming around in here, but it’s like…a nightmare I can’t forget.”

I blinked back tears and swallowed, wondering what this could mean for my secret. “So you’re connected to his mind?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s always been able to get inside my head, planting nightmares, scaring the hell out of me. It’s more like I’m inside his now.”

It was all so complicated and strange, but perhaps she’d be able to figure out what he’d done to me. What would she do when she found out? Worry because she wasn’t there to protect me? Go off after the king like an imbecile, hell-bent on avenging my virtue? I gave a small laugh and sighed.

“Miri,” Ivy said, pushing through the water so she stopped right in front of me. “We can’t help you if you don’t let us in.”

I wanted to tell them, I did, but perhaps I still felt ashamed that I could be so fragile, so vulnerable to attack. Perhaps there was a small part of me that had been grateful he’d come after me instead of them, and what did that say about me? I was a wretched beast, truly.

“I’m your wife, and I love you more than anything else in this world. If I can help you, I will.” She kissed the tip of my nose in a move so tender, I almost started crying again. Ivy wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her lap, tucking my head into her neck. “Talk to us, my love. Tell us what you’re going through.”

“The king…he did something to me…” I sputtered, agony spearing my chest. “I don’t know.”

She leaned back and put her hand under my chin, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “Then show us.”

Suddenly, I had grown so very tired of carrying this weight alone. I didn’t relish the thought of anyone else in my mind, not after whatever Alberich had done to me, but if it was Ivy, if it was them, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. I nodded and closed my eyes, intertwining my fingers with hers, giving her permission. When I felt her presence knocking at the mental barrier between us, I submitted to her dominance, allowing her feminine strength to infiltrate every secret part of me. Lex’s icy aura joined next, quickly followed by Carter’s warmth and empathy. Once we were all connected, she found it quickly, wasting no time before going to the most guarded area of my memory. It played like a movie, the events going backward and forward before reorganizing into the correct sequence.

I’d had dinner with Reginald, then gone to bed, where I’d had an intense sexual dream about Carter. He took me rougher than usual, but gentle enough that it was realistic. When I woke up the next morning, there had been blood on the sheets, but I assumed it was my period. A person knew when they’d been penetrated, the soreness almost unmistakable. But I believed I’d been alone all night, so what other conclusion could I draw?

In the weeks after the photo leak, my body tried to remind me that something else had happened, some violation I needed to reconcile. Combined with the distance from my spouses, I had no other way to cope. Scratching the insides of my thighs became the avenue to deal with the loss of both my memory and my dearest companions, a self-soothing mechanism that made the emotional pain physical and therefore bearable.

We watched as I dragged the razor along the inside of my leg, hissing against the pearl of blood as it trailed down the inside, relaxing into the sharp bite of release that came with it. No one else knew this about me, no one except them.

“Are we having fun yet, Little Thistle?”The king’s antagonizing voice cut through it all, vanishing my self harm in a misty fog.“Bring me the child. Bring me my wife. Then, I’ll give you what you seek.”

Startled, Ivy retreated, pulling out of my mind so quickly, the absence stung. When I opened my eyes, she stared at me with shock and fury rising behind hers, the normal steel color now a molten fiery metal. It wasn’t directed at me; she’d reacted exactly as I predicted. The king had done something to me, and she wanted his heart on a silver platter.

Tears streamed down Carter’s face and he wiped them away, swallowing whatever he truly wanted to say. Sympathy radiated off him in thick, debilitating waves, and it was that more than anything that made me realize why I’d stayed away. I didn’t want them to see how feeble I was, how disgusting and vile. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me.

Me and my stupid pride.

In the end, it was Lex who spoke first. “Why did you think you couldn’t come to us with this?”

“I’m the weakest,” I muttered, sounding small and shattered. “He can mess with me because it’s easier. You and Ivy have each other, and Carter’s luck protects him.” When Lex still looked unconvinced, I steeled my jaw and kept going. “Don’t you see? He can get to you through me.”

“You’re not weak, and you’re not putting anyone at risk,” Carter said, his tone more gentle than I deserved.

“He’s inside my head, even now,” I tried to counter.

“He’s inside mine, too.” Ivy cupped my jaw so she could rest her forehead on mine. “Miri, I am so sorry this happened to you. I promise, we’ll figure out the truth.”

“I don’t need your pity, Ivy.” I tried to break free, to get some space.

She wouldn’t let me, holding on to me tighter. “I don’t pity you.” She kissed me, a soft, tender peck that reminded me of why I’d loved her to begin with. “You’ve been so strong. I wish you’d told me sooner. I wish I could’ve carried this pain with you.”

“I can’t sleep,” I admitted. “I can’t eat. I can’t stop to think about it because when I do, I never want to move again. It’s me he wants. I’m the reason all of this happened. Who knows what he can make me do, what he can make me forget? I could hurt you and not even know it.” I was exasperated by the end, pouring my heart out to the people who had loved me the most.

---