Page 162 of The Dark Mirror

He joined me at the bottom of the stairs. With care, he brushed a trailing curl from my brow and tucked it behind my ear, lingering on the shell. His gaze darted over my face.

‘Nothing in you is terrible,’ he said. ‘Goodnight, Paige.’

And then he left, and I was alone.

The warmth of his touch should have faded in moments. Instead, it fanned across my skin, kindling the flames of memory. To distract myself, I soaked in a hot bath, then took my time drying and scrunching my hair. I changed into a singlet and pulled it down over my hips, intending to forget about that fleeting touch and sleep. Instead, I lay awake, restless.

Arcturus had trusted me with the truth. He had taken my hand, told me that he was glad to be with me. For once, I had done something right.

But he was still blocking the cord.

Before I could stop myself, I got up and went back downstairs. I couldn’t stand this any longer.

I found Arcturus sitting in the parlour with his wine. His eyes were already returning to gold, but they held on to some of my red, like embers.

‘Paige?’

I stayed at the bottom of the stairs, wrestling with myself.

‘I have tried not to ask you this,’ I said. ‘My feelings aren’t your responsibility, and yours aren’t mine to know. I have no claim on them. But for over a year, our spirits have been joined. And now there’s … nothing. You’re not there. I feel like half of me is numb.’

Arcturus broke my gaze.

‘I respect your decision. Whatever it is, I won’t blame you for it,’ I said. ‘I only want to understand why.’

‘There are always reasons. I ask that you trust me in this, little dreamer.’

‘But I didn’t trust you. Not enough.’ I took a step back. ‘Youdoblame me.’

‘For what?’

‘All of it. I knew, but—’

‘Paige, wait.’ Arcturus stood. ‘Do you believe I hold you responsible for my imprisonment?’

‘You should. I left you,’ I forced out. ‘I left you with Nashira.’ His eyes gave a flicker. I couldn’t always interpret their movements, but I saw the moment of realisation. Now I knew for certain. In denying me his emotions, he had also shut out mine.‘I solved your puzzle, even if I was too late,’ I said. ‘The proof of your allegiance, which only I could see. The red drapes in your dreamscape, from the Guildhall. The place you first held me is where you feel safe.’‘Yes.’ His confirmation was as soft as it was shattering.‘It was the same night Oxford fell. That could have been the reason why,’ I whispered. ‘I wouldn’t have assumed it was—’ I shook my head. ‘But I should have seen it sooner. I should never have believed that you would turn your back on me.’‘You tried all you could with the knowledge you had. What more could you have done, if you had seen?’ Arcturus said. ‘I would not have gone with you.’

‘Then I should have stayed with you, so you didn’t have to face it alone.’

‘No. I wanted you to leave, so you would be safe. I wanted you to stay away, so she would never find you,’ he said. ‘If you seek absolution, I grant it, but you have not wronged me.’

My throat hurt.

‘You’re doing it again. Showing me who you are,’ I said. ‘You did that in Paris, and in London. You danced with me just to hear melaugh. You were so kind and sweet and respectful, every single day. And one pathetic charade was all it took to break my faith in you.’

‘Because people have used you, Paige. I have used you.’

‘I forgave you for Oxford. Even if I couldn’t have stopped you being tortured, I betrayed our friendship.’ My voice cracked. ‘I don’t deserve you, Arcturus. I could have come after you again. I could have kept trying, like Terebell did. I had the golden cord – I could have found you – but I thought you were gone, so I chose the white aster. I condemned us both.’

‘You needed to forget, to survive. If you had come for me, Nashira would have killed you,’ he said. ‘You needed to forget. But I needed to remember. As I was tortured, it was your voice that kept me sane. Your face that filled my days and nights. I was in a dark room – but I had another, in my memories. The dark room that we shared in Paris. I could go there whenever I wanted. My torturers did what they pleased with my body, but I paid them no heed, with my gift to console me. In my dreams, I was still in your arms.’

I had given up on trying to stop the waterworks. My hair was clinging to my cheeks.

‘But you don’t want me any more,’ I said.

‘I have never stopped wanting you, Paige Mahoney.’

And just like that, he released the cord.

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