Page 118 of The Chase

When I don’t respond right away, she pokes her hand out of the blanket and laces her fingers through mine.

“Share something, anything. You promised me something real, Fitz.”

I did promise. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to give it to her. “I…” I grumble with frustration. “I’m not holding back on purpose,” I tell her. “It’s just…a habit.”

“A habit.” Her forehead creases. “Holding back is a habit?”

“Yes. I don’t talk about what I’m feeling.”

“Why not, though?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I…got used to whatever I said being used against me.”

“What on earth does that mean?”

Discomfort creeps up my spine, until the back of my neck feels cold, tight. The instinct to flee is strong, but so is Summer’s grip on my hand. I draw a breath.

“Fitz?” she prompts.

I exhale. “My parents went through an ugly divorce when I was ten. My dad cheated. Though if you ask him, it’s because my mom drove him to it. Either way, they couldn’t stand each other back then, and they can’t stand each other now.”

“I’m sorry. That sounds rough.”

“You don’t know the half of it. Until I turned twelve, they had joint custody. And then Dad started dating some woman Mom despised, so she decided to sue for full custody of me.Dad got pissed and decidedhedeserved full custody. And that’s when the head games began.”

“Head games…?”

“The custody battle was even uglier than the divorce. They used me to hurt each other.”

Her eyes widen. “How so?”

“Whenever I was alone with Dad, he’d try to coerce me into saying bad shit about Mom. She did the same thing. If I complained to Dad that Mom wouldn’t let me play ball hockey with my friends until I cleaned my room, suddenly there’d be a social worker coming by and asking me if I felt ‘socially isolated’ by my mother. If I told Mom that Dad let me eat sugary cereal before bedtime, a different social worker would show up interrogating me about everything Dad fed me. It was all being documented too. Every word I said went right back to the lawyers.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s awful.”

“They were throwing out accusations of neglect, emotional abuse, ‘nutritional deprivation.’” I shake my head in disapproval. “And I couldn’t tell them how I felt about it. About anything at all, in fact. Otherwise the blame game would start.”

“The blame game?”

“If I was sad about something?It’s your father’s fault.If I was mad?Your mother’s fault.I was nervous about the school play?It’s because your dad didn’t run lines with you.If something scared me?It’s ’cause your mom’s raising a pussy.” I let out a breath as I remember how exhausting it was to have a single conversation with them. Hell, it’s equally exhausting now.

“Did you go to court and tell the judge which parent youwanted to live with?” Summer asks curiously. “Wouldn’t that have solved the whole custody battle?”

“You’d think. I did go to court. Well, it was more of a conference room with a bunch of tables, but there was a judge.”

I cringe even thinking about it. I remember holding a social worker’s hand as she led me into the room and asked me to sit down. My parents were seated next to their respective lawyers. Mom was pleading at me with her eyes. Dad gave me that encouraging look that said, ‘I know you’ll make the right decision.’ Everyone was staring at me. It was fucking brutal.

“The judge asked me to describe my routine at each of their houses.” I absently rub Summer’s knuckles. “She asked me questions about what I ate, whether I enjoyed playing hockey—a bunch of questions that made me realize they’d told the lawyers everything I’d ever said to them. And then the judge asked me who I wanted to live with.”

Summer’s breath hitches. “Who did you pick?”

My lips twitch in amusement. “I pleaded the Fifth.”

Her jaw drops. “You were twelve, and you pleaded the Fifth?”

“Yup. I think I saw someone do it onCSIor some shit.” I snicker. “The judge said I couldn’t do that and urged me to pick. So I said both. I wanted to live with both.” I offer a wry smile. “She awarded them joint custody, which was what they’d started off with. She said she felt it was better for my mental and emotional wellbeing to spend equal time with both of them.”

“Did things get better after that? Did your parents settle down?”

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