Page 31 of All That She Needs

Not anymore.

I was surprised by how quickly I had changed, how rapidly the scales had fallen from my eyes once I opened my mind to the truth. What he did to me was not okay. It never was.

"I need to prove myself to you. To our kids," he continued, his voice lined a quiet desperation as he took a careful step forward. Instinctively, I took a few steps back, needing the physical distance to ground myself. He froze, hands buried in his pockets, fidgeting as he stood there, looking unsure of what to do next. "How can I do that if I'm not here?" he asked, his voice faltering slightly.

"You'll think of something, Aiden. Just like any other divorced couple do."

"We're not divorced yet." He countered.

"Oh, we will, Aiden." I seethed. "I'll make sure of it. I might take it when you hurt me, but when you hurtmykids, that is unforgivable. There's no going back for us."

"What can I do, Asha?" He pleaded, and I was getting tired of hearing it. "I'll do anything. Whatever it takes."

"Tell me, Aiden, if Kayden hadn't confronted you that night, would you have realized your mistake? Would you have ever felt guilty? Or is it only now, when your family has turned their backs on you, that you suddenly feel remorse? Would you still be pursuing her if things hadn't fallen apart?"

He sighed. He knew he couldn't answer those questions. "Just tell me what to do, Asha. Please."

Instead of answering, knowing it was pointless to make him see the truth, I said, "I've packed your stuff. They're in the garage. I'll have Roy send them to you."

He stared at me with his mouth agape, and I knew my words stabbed him so intensely he was lost for words.

"I haven't touched your office, though," I continued, my tone flat and devoid of emotion, mirroring the emptiness I felt inside. "I know there are a few suspicious drawers you always kept locked, so I'll let you sort that out on your own."

"I'm coming back, Asha." His voice hardened, the tension creeping into his words as he fought to keep control. "This is just temporary. I will be back."

I looked at him. My gaze was hard and full of hatred, and I believed he felt it, judging by how he flinched. "You said you'll do whatever it takes," I repeated his promise, and he nodded quickly.

"Yeah. Anything."

"Really, Aiden? Truly?"

"Truly, Asha."

"Okay." I nodded, pressing my hand to my chest, bracing myself for the answer I feared. "Can you stop loving her?"

He froze. His entire body went still, and for a long moment, he didn't move, didn't breathe. I could almost see the gears turning in his mind as he struggled to find the words. I counted the seconds, silently praying he would say the words I desperately wanted to hear—Yes, I don't love her anymore; I only love you. But those words never came. He just stood there, paralyzed by the truth he couldn't bring himself to speak. His silence was answer enough. And in that silence, I felt the last thread of hope snap inside me.

"That's my answer," I said, my words faint. "That's why I can never let you come back. Because it's just a matter of time before you crawl back to her again." I turned away from him, my back now facing him. "You can only see the kids on weekday mornings, and when they leave, you leave. Other times, you call first before you come intomyfucking house."

Part 16: Aiden

I stood there, stuck in my head, staring at the pile of boxes and suitcases in the garage. Few of the boxes were open, revealing my clothes—some of them were shredded and ruined. Nothing was packed properly, just shoved in carelessly. Asha was getting rid of me. Every part of me, as if I were nothing but trash. The realization hit hard, a wave of rejection that made me want to shout in anger, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't lash out because this was my fault. I did this to myself.

I had pushed her to the point where she believed there was no redemption left for us. I should be angry at myself for driving her away, for making her feel that erasing me from her life was the only way forward.

I didn't know what else to do. For the first time in my life, I felt truly hopeless. I was drained; even breathing felt like a struggle. Everywhere I looked, I saw dead ends—constant reminders of how massive my mistake had been. It was like I had dug a hole so deep there was no way out, no way forward. The pressure weighed on me so heavily that the only escape I could think of was to curl up and disappear, to just fade away.

Asha asked me if I could stop loving Vanessa. I couldn't answer. I didn't know what fucking answer that wouldn't hurt her. Because I knew I couldn't stop loving Vanessa just like I couldn't stop loving Asha. I loved two women with every beat of my goddamn heart, and I didn't know how to let go of either of them.

"What do you want to do with those boxes?" I heard Roy's—my driver/bodyguard/friend—voice faintly from behind me, then I felt his presence next to me, and together we stared at the pile of shits belonging to me that meant nothing to me anymore.

"Leave them." I said.

"Asha asked me to take them to you."

"No. They stay." I stubbornly said.

"Where are you staying now?" He asked. I didn't take him with me; I wanted him to drive and accompany my kids instead.

---