Page 29 of Secret Twins for My Ex's SEAL Best Friend

“Yeah, I spoke with her,” I sighed, “in a way that was…unkind. I was rattled seeing her there, knowing she was…in my class. I was worried. It came from a place of fear.”

“That’s right!” Jeremy crowed, excited that I was using ‘feelings’ words. “Fear. Fear is trauma’s best friend. It’s holding you back, Robert. Can you tell me what coping skills you ended up using that night?”

I laughed a little. “To tell you the truth, I took some sleeping pills to knock me out.”

“That’s not great, Robert,” Jeremy tsked, opening his notebook again.

“Lesser of two evils,” I responded, poking that godforsaken hole in my mouth.

Really, it was the lesser of four evils. He knew what alcohol did to me. He knew about the nightmares. He didn’t know about the fantasizing I’d been doing about Delia in my sleep, the dreams where I sucked on her nipples, where I ran my hands along her body, and she melted under my touch. I couldn’t afford to drink, and I couldn’t afford to dream. I had to be knocked out to avoid it all.

Jeremy looked at me with a disappointed face. I wondered how disappointed that face could get.

What would his face look like if he knew I’d sucked on his ex’s bottom lip while he taught my class in the next room? Or if he knew I’d held a man by the collar and forced him to empty his wallet for Delia?

Jeremy said, “That’s one way of looking at it. I’m more concerned with your health than with vilifying your actions, though.”

“Right. Seems like some people could stand to vilify their actions a bit more than they do,” I grunted, thinking of the man in the bar.

“But we’re talking about you. You’re a good man, and you’re very hard on yourself. Do you agree?”

“Sure, I’m okay.”

No, I wasn’t. I was a bad, bad man. I was a disloyal man.

“Can you say out loud ‘I’m a good person’?”

“I’m a good person,” I said stiffly.

But it sounded like a lie even to me. How could I look into my best friend’s eyes and lie that I was a good person when I knew what I had done with Delia not so long ago?

And when I knew that I wanted to do it again.

thirteen

Delia

The week passed uneventfully. Luckily, Jeremy didn’t push the subject of why I was so resistant to work with Robert, and he allowed me to make up the hours with another client. But it still cast a dark shadow over my week whenever I remembered that it had happened.

When I went to work that weekend, I half expected to see Robert. I thought he might show up, angry that I had decided not to see him that day.

The look on his face had been so broken. I’d seen broken men before – they came through all the time working where I did – but it was especially hard to see on Robert.

But as the night went on and he didn’t show up, didn’t tear through making any proclamations or angrily stomping around, I started to resent him again.

“Goodnight!” Kassandra called to me as she bounced her shoulder to lift her purse strap higher up, and I half-waved at her as I dried a glass.

It had been like this all night. In the moments of stillness, a flash of Robert’s sad face would enter my mind.

Still, the anger shone through. I felt bad for him. Of course I did, but it was somewhat overshadowed by my anger at the idea of him and Jeremy gossiping about me. I couldn’t stand it.

A sloppy drunk who had been at the bar all night came up to me as I dried glasses and slurred, “Hey, what do you think of me and you getting out of here?”

I bit back the words that came to mind and said, “Well, I’m at work, so I can’t really leave.” I flashed a smile, as fake as they came, hoping it looked honest.

He narrowed his dark eyes, and for a second, I was afraid of him. But then the light entered his eyes again, and he slapped the counter lightly, flashing a crooked smile. “Sure, I understand. But I’ve been trying to get your attention all night.”

Suddenly, my body went ice cold as I realized that the night was ending, and I was alone in the bar with this man. I felt like I could see desperation on him. I smiled, trying to placate him, and said, “I’m sorry about that. Did you get what you needed?”

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