Page 7 of Alpha Scorned

I frowned at her. She was right, but the reception area of the counselling and support business I owned and ran wasn’t the place to shout it out. She glanced at my face and grimaced. “Sorry,” she mouthed.

I sighed and shook my head, motioning for her to follow me into my office. It was hard not to roll my eyes at myself. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t a counsellor, not officially. I had no paperwork or qualifications, at least not yet. I was working on it. For now, I merely had understanding and experience with the tragedy that affected many of the people that visited our support service. Doherty and that demon he’d worked for had ruined so many lives… My fists bunched and I squeezed my eyes closed as images of ugly laughing faces slammed into me. My hands shook as I rubbed at my bare arms, remembering the feel of the claws scraping my skin even as other cruel hands grabbed my limbs, pinning me down…

My heart rate spiked, sweat coating my palms. I fought the images, pushing them away, concentrating on using the breathing techniques I’d found helped calm me when flashbacks threatened to send me into a panic. I hadn’t had a flashback for months, but I guessed stress and guilt did that to a girl. I took a deep breath, consciously relaxing my fists and wiping my palms down my slacks.

Becca closed the door. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt that out, but you do look rough.” Her eyes narrowed, concern etched on her face. “Hey, are you okay?”

I had to laugh even though it wasn’t with humour. “No, I'm not okay. I’m far from it. And I know I look rough because I feel it.” I sat down and dropped my face in my hands. I had to push through this emptiness in me. Letting Owen go was for the best.Yeah, keep telling yourself that, girlie.“I, err, had a bad few days, that’s all.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry. Shall I see if Shelly has a gap to talk later?”

I shook my head and gave her a watery smile. After witnessing my emotional wobble, Becca thought I meant with my nightmares. Shelly, our full time counsellor, was the only person I ever spoke to about my bad dreams and panic attacks, and the last time had been months ago. I hated that I’d broken a period of calm, that guilt and now uncertainty were rattling my handle on my past. Now I’d be worrying about having another attack which would only make things worse… Urgh, I had to stop these turbulent thoughts. It was making me worse. I took another deep breath and exhaled, plastering a slightly more convincing smile on my face. Hashing out more memories was the last thing I needed. “Nah, I’m okay, Becs. Besides, she's busy,” I hedged, not wanting to expose any other part of myself to the pack counsellor, especially my messed up emotions when it came to Owen. “Others need her time more than me. I’ll be okay when I’ve gotten back to work here, and once I get a good night's sleep. Devon was really unsettled last night, too.” Deflect. Deflect.

“Yeah? Perhaps all the time differences have upset him a bit. So what are you doing back? I didn’t expect to see you for another week or so.”

Words got stuck in my throat. The inflection in Becca’s voice was curious and gentle, but also told me she was in stubborn mode and she wasn’t going to let this go, not after my display of anxiety. Admitting outloud what I’d done to Owen; even to my best friend, made it too real.

There was a minute or more of silence as I squirmed, avoiding her gaze. It was pointless to fight the weight of her expectation. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what I’d done with Shane to keep Owen at a distance. She’d not judged me for it, though she didn’t understand my reluctance. And Iwasback early. On a huge sigh, I caved. “I know. Things got a bit…uncomfortable.”

“Oh. You saw Owen, then.” It wasn’t a question, but I murmured in agreement.

Becca came and sat down opposite me in the chair usually reserved for my clients. I worked with people who needed an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on, or even some kind of emotional guidance. Which was ironic when you thought of how easily I could help others with their baggage, but confronting my own mess of a life was beyond me.

“I did,” I whispered, pain lancing at me as it did everytime I thought about what I’d done, and the devastation in Owen’s eyes as I’d pushed him away.

“Was it really bad?”

I nodded, swallowing past the ache in my throat. No. No more tears, not over Owen. I’d done what needed doing, and I wouldn’t regret it. It had been my choice to push him away.

“Ah, shit, I’m sorry, Sel. Did you tell him why?”

“No. I-I didn’t get a chance.” I closed my eyes. “He offered me everything and I threw it back in his face…” My voice broke and I rubbed my face. “Gods, by the time I’d plucked up the courage to tell him he’s too good for me, it was too late. He’d gone.” I sighed, and tipped my head back contemplating the ceiling. “I guess it’s for the best. Now no one but you knows why, and I’d like to keep it that way.” I looked at my friend as she sighed heavily. “I can’t risk being thrown out, Becca, you know that. Where would I go? Devon and I would be vulnerable to any Alpha who wanted to force us to join his pack—or worse. I won’t be forced into anything ever again.” Sweat pricked my upper lips, and my hands started to tremble at the thought of being compelled into any kind of physical relationship ever again. I wound my fingers together to stop the trembling. Becca’s eyes fell to my hands and compassion softened her features. She understood. She’d been there. This is what we did. We were vulnerable in different parts of our lives, and we helped each other through it. But Becca hadn’t lost her wolf. No, hers was as present as ever.

“At least now that Owen thinks I’m just a coldhearted bitch and hates my guts, he won't come after me.”

Becca’s head tilted, and she pressed her lips together. “Is that really what you want him to think? He’s a good male, Sel, you know that. He’s honorable and kind. If you told him about your wolf…I’m sure he’d understand.” Her voice dropped a bit. “So would Shane.”

“No!” I grabbed her hands. “You promised. Please. You mustn’t tell Shane, ever. He could throw us out. I can’t risk it. And even if he didn’t, without access to my wolf, I’d be shunned, or have constant challenges if the pack found out about my inability to shift. I’m essentially human without her, and in a shifter community that leaves me, and Devon, vulnerable.”

“But Shane won’t throw you out or let anything happen to you. He cares about you, Selina, and not just because he’s your Alpha. You know that.”

Becca had always had a soft spot for Shane, even though he rarely looked her way. He was always shagging other females, gods she even believed me to be one of his conquests, and Becca still thought the sun shone out of his ass. I felt bad for my friend everytime he found another lover, but she knew what he was like, and she was no better at commitment than him. She was just as into no strings attached sex as he was. Though he never had to search for a partner, he just clicked his fingers and females fell into his bed. The difference between them was, he had no idea a potential mate was right under his nose, whereas Becca knew, and chose to pretend she didn’t.

Damn, we were all so broken from being prisoners of the demons. But that didn’t mean Shane’s understanding would stretch to letting a non-shifter stay in his pack.

“I can’t risk it. Shane is a good Alpha. Damn, he’s my friend, but he might not agree with you if he believes my wolf has deserted me. You know his rules, no humans in this town.” Her silence had my heart slamming against my chest wall. “You promised me, Becca. You can’t tell him.”

She sighed and shook her head a bit. “Fine. But I think you’re wrong. I know you don’t fully trust anyone, Sel. But Shane and Owen aren’t the monsters who hurt you, nor are they the kind of guys who would betray you.”

I looked away from her, my fists curling. “Probably not,” I bit out. “But I can’t risk it. I’m better off as I am, just a regular shifter. I took the Beta position to protect the women of this pack, but things are better now. I’m happy I handed my position over to Robin. She’s doing fine. And being the support for people like us who need someone to open up to makes me happy and feel useful, so for as long as I can hide my problem, I will.”

A frown creased the bridge of Becca’s nose and she opened her mouth to speak, but I’d reached my saturation point. Thinking about a future without Owen because of my own inadequacies was too painful. I forced a brighter smile, guiding her away from the subject of my failures and problems. “Now, who’s on my appointment list today?”

Becca shook her head but got the message and became all business. Since so many new members had joined our pack, the well being and counselling service I’d set up had exploded. It wasn’t just the rape and abuse victims from the prison any more, many people, both male and female, who had suffered abuse of one kind or another from their mates, pack members, or even humans, came to our pack for sanctuary. It was a sickening reality of the supernatural world that those with power so often abused it. And I wanted so much to make the lives of those victims better.

Humans knew supernaturals existed, but since Satan had tried to invade our world, things had become even more unstable. Demons had flooded to Earth, and many hid in the human world, waiting for an opportunity to wreak havoc. There was a faction of supernaturals, the Shadow Sentinels, run by Connor and Ember, who fought to close any new Rifts between this world and Hell. I knew that Owen and his brothers travelled the world fighting demons and closing those small Hell gateways. I knew this because I’d listened well when I’d been Beta for Shane. That was the thing I missed most about that position. I'd had inside information about where the male who’d become my anchor in this world was, the knowledge that he was safe.

A familiar loneliness invaded my chest. Owen had left here with Connor and his brothers to go and hunt for Ember after she’d been kidnapped. He’d offered to take me with him, but we’d both known it wasn’t safe. Devon had only been a tiny baby, and the women who’d been rescued with me had all needed help. I’d stayed to make sure they were all ok, fully intending to join him when it was safe for Devon. But I’d neglected my own emotional health. It had been a shock when I realised my own wolf had gone into hiding from everyone, including me.

---