Page 111 of The Black Trilogy

An upbeat country song on the scratchy jukebox turned to “Desperado” by the Eagles. I went to sit down, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me into him. Never before had I felt his heart beat so hard against mine. I recalled resting my cheek on his shoulder while we danced as if it had happened last night.

Then his eyes darkened, and he kissed me.

Lost in the music and lost in him, I kissed him back. The magic lasted as long as the song, and then my brain short-circuited. What had I done? I’d wrecked every other important relationship in my life—I didn’t want to lose what I had with my husband by trying to change it into something never meant to be. So I flipped out and took off. See? Avoidance—it was my specialty.

That night, I walked for miles, until the rain soaked me to my knickers and blisters blossomed on my feet. By morning, my mind had twisted my thoughts. What if we were meant to be together? I couldn’t shake the feel of his lips on mine, and my soul craved his touch.

At breakfast the next morning, the words got stuck in my throat. How could I tell him I wanted more of what he’d given me?

It turned out I didn’t have to. As I picked at my plate of eggs, he spoke first.

“Diamond, I’m sorry. What happened last night… I shouldn’t have done it.” He shook his head. “I need to lay off the beer before I make any more mistakes.”

A mistake? I was a mistake? Shattering my already damaged heart was a freaking mistake? I swallowed down tears and pain and lust and longing, and the whole mess settled in my stomach like a bad ulcer.

But he wasn’t done. “Can we turn the clock back? Forget it ever happened?”

What could I do but nod?

That night still played on my mind, years later. Why had he told Nick about it?

“So, what did he say?” I asked.

“Just that the moment felt right, and he’d kissed you.”

“That’s it?”

“Not quite. He said you broke away, looked at him like he’d gone crazy, and sprinted out the bar. He didn’t know where you’d disappeared to, and he spent the rest of the night terrified you wouldn’t want anything to do with him again.”

“He was terrified of nothing.”

“Except losing you.”

“But he said the next day it was a mistake.”

“He only thought it was a mistake because of the way you reacted.”

“I was scared,” I admitted. “Scared that if I messed things up the way I do any time I get close to someone, I’d lose him. And I couldn’t lose him.”

“You never would have.”

“You think? He always was way out of my league. Anyhow, I decided I’d rather keep what we had than put all my chips on black with a chance of losing the lot. Except now I’ve lost him anyway.” I smacked my palm on my forehead. “I’m so freaking stupid.”

“Not stupid, Em. Nobody could ever describe you as stupid.”

“Well, I am. I wish I’d told him how I really felt, because I’ll never feel that way about anyone again. He was it for me.”

My heart ached once more, a yawning chasm that would never be filled. What if Nick was right? What if my husband had felt the same things for me as I did for him? I’d never know. But I did know I’d always blame myself for not having the courage to find out.

“You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You can’t change what happened, so you need to get closure and move on. Learn from the past, but don’t live in it.”

“How do I get closure? There are reminders of him everywhere in this house. Everywhere. He’s all I’ve been able to think about since I’ve been back.” I motioned at the jumper draped over my lap, the photos of us on the wall that I couldn’t look directly at.

“When Jana died, it helped to talk.”

Except six years on, Nick’s voice still cracked when he mentioned her name.

“I’m not one for talking.”

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