Page 67 of Dagger

But underneath it all, I still knew marrying Robert was wrong. If I was honest with myself, at the time, I lost all my fight and took the easy way out, even though it didn’t turn out to be easy at all. I didn’t deserve what Robert did to me, but I made my own bed the instant I’d said I do.

“You didn’t believe in me, John,” I whispered. “But in a way, I didn’t believe in you either. You told me whatever happened, wherever you were in the world, you’d always come home to me. I should’ve waited longer.”

“Don’t take the blame for that shit,” he bit out. “You were told I was dead. What were you supposed to think? You were a kid who’d just lost her dad, my mom, and me. It was no wonder you were confused.”

I smiled sadly up at him. “I don’t blame myself, but I also need to stop blaming you. We were victims of manipulation. We were both young, John. We reacted when we should’ve taken time to think things through, but that’s what kids do. Neither of us had the experience to see through Robert’s bullshit. I want to move forward, but holding onto all this resentment isn’t allowing me to.”

John tugged me closer and rested his hands on my shoulders. “That’s good, healthy. We should move forward, but I wanna do that together, baby.” He lowered his head and touched my mouth with his.

My eyes snapped shut at the feel of him, at his scent.

When I closed my eyes, I could forget. When I closed my eyes, I could imagine I was eighteen again and had my John by my side and the world at my feet.

But it wasn’t real.

“John,” I whispered.

“Don’t push me away,” he begged.

“It’s not us anymore, John,” I insisted.

“It could be,” he pressed, his eyes darting between mine. “This could be us every day for the rest of our lives. I won’t let you down again; I swear on everything that means anything.”

I gazed up at him, noting the sincerity in his eyes and the reverence in his tone.

It would be so easy to fall back into what we had. The problem was, we weren’t those kids anymore. So much had happened, and we’d caused each other so much pain. I wasn’t sure I could take the risk.

If we tried and it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t survive it again. I was already a shell of who I used to be; if I lost John for a second time, I’d give up completely.

Shaking my head, I went to open my mouth, but John pressed his finger gently to my lips to stop me from speaking.

“No, baby.” His tone was heavy with emotion. “Don’t answer now. We’ve got the party today and the wedding tomorrow. Let’s just take the pressure off ourselves and have a good time. I wanna get to know you again, wanna find out what makes you tick. And I want you to get to know me, too. We’ve both changed, and although I know my Leesy is still there, I want to learn about the woman, too,” he bent his neck, rested his forehead againstmine, and told me in a guttural tone, “’cause I gotta say, baby. I like what I’ve seen so far. I like it a whole damned lot.”

His gaze locked with mine, gold and green, just like they used to when we belonged to each other. My heart leaped as John lowered his face to mine and took my mouth again.

Something tugged in my lower stomach, something primal and hot. I had to stop myself from moaning against Stone’s mouth as I felt his whiskers against my chin.

“Do you feel it?” he said huskily, his words reminiscent of the night at the hospital when the twins were born. “Every time you walk into a room, I feel you before I see you. It’s us, baby; we’re connected in ways I can’t explain, and it’s goddamned beautiful.”

“Johnny,” I breathed. “I’m cold inside. I don’t know how to be that girl anymore. It’s as alien to me as breathing underwater.”

“You’re not cold,” he argued gently. “It’s a mask you had to wear to make it through. You’re so conditioned to wearing it that you don’t know how to take it off. I’ll teach you, my club, Belle, Sophie, the kids, we’ll all teach you. My Leesy’s still there; we just need to find her.”

My stomach churned.

I didn’t know if I could live up to what John wanted. It had been so long since I’d been able to trust anybody that I wasn’t certain I had it in me.

“What if I can’t, John?” I asked. “This is me now, so if you think you’ll get back the eighteen-year-old, you’ll be disappointed.”

Stone’s eyes darted between mine, confusion flashing behind them. “Jesus, I couldn’t think of anythin’ worse.” He stepped back and swept a hand down his body. “Dunno if you’ve noticed, but I’m not twenty-one anymore. We’ve both grown up, Leesy. When I say I want the girl I knew, I mean your sweetness and trust. That was what drew me to you and kept me enthralled.I fucked up all the time, baby, but you always had it in you to forgive. Us Stone men tend to fuck up quite a lot. We need women like you to put up with our ridiculous asses.”

I couldn’t help laughing softly.

“I mean it,” he insisted. “It started with Bandit, but even that asshole would be spinnin’ in his grave at the ones who came after. Have you not heard about the ‘Days of Our Biker Lives’ shit my idiot boys rained down on our asses? It began with Bowie. He lost a woman when he was young, and his grieving process took about ten years, during which he proceeded to rail through the majority of Southern Wyoming before Layla came along. She put him on the right track eventually, but not before he fucked and chucked her, too, then lived to regret it. The Church meeting when I found out my boy had dicked my goddaughter before throwin’ her out and making her walk home alone was a fuckin’ hoot.” He shook his head frustratedly. “Then there’s Jailbird Joe, aka Cash. He’s got granddaddy issues shootin’ out of his asshole. Thought it would be clever to get caught in the act of railing a club girl by his woman, all ‘cause he was butthurt. Then, to get Cara back, he decided to knock her up by secretly pulling the wrap off his dick. It was a whole world of fun when she found out what he’d done.” His face deadpanned. “Then there’s GI Joe, Breaker, who’s got a touch of the psychopaths and likes blowin’ shit up—hence your house that’s now rubble. If he was let loose in the real world, he’d probably be languishing in top security for slitting throats and arson. He left his pregnant girlfriend holdin’ twins years ago. Then lo and behold, years later, they meet up again at Atlas and Sophie’s weddin’, creating the biggest Maury Povich moment in club history.” He pointed at his hair. “See that grey? I blame them. Those boys are lucky Bandit wasn’t around to fill their asses with buckshot for their antics.”

I couldn’t help chuckling at the memory of John’s dad shooting at the prospects back in the day. Then my thoughtsflashed to the time he almost put a bullet in my head, and my chuckle died.

It was bittersweet because even though we weren’t exactly friendly, I got closer to Bandit before he died. I’d even go as far as to say I loved him, but that love was mixed with a little sadness and a lot of distaste. It was hard to have good thoughts about a man who always saw the worst in me. He regretted his actions later in life, and we came to an understanding. Still, it didn’t stop my stomach twisting every time his name was mentioned.

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